.. Sort and Say Thank You..

I am about to get out of his room during our morning rounds when he called and handed me a piece of envelope. For attending to my impatience since the night I was admitted, he said. I reached for the envelope fearing that he might have planted a time bomb inside it and I might go home in canister of ashes. I opened it in front of him, my eyes seemed to become rounded I almost forgot that my ancestors are of Chinese in origin. It contained cash, and having dreamed of being an Accountant once, I was right that it almost amounted to half of my whole month's salary. I returned it back to him, not placing any time bomb inside it, of course. His smile fainted for a moment, and brimmed wider while he pushed the envelope again to my hands. Take it or you'll not be able to get out of my room. Oh, if only he was John Lloyd Cruz , the last option would be easier.=)

That happened 2 years ago, sometime around Christmas. And if you are wondering what happened to that content of envelope, it was fairly distributed for a merrier season of advent. I could have bought it for a nice gadget, or a signature dress or a bag with a crocodile mark. But none of these happened to crossed my mind. What caught my heart is the piece of note along with the cash of which I kept until this day on my wallet. The simplicity of the words are almost capturing I happened to practice saying it everyday. "Just for appreciation. Thanks a lot".

The year is about to culminate. Another cycle of  inevitable tear-jerker circumstances, unstoppable belly laughs, unexpected surprises, happiness according to how you perceive it, success defined according to what and who is in your top list, and situations that will enhance your heart and relationship skill. Your relationship skill with your family, your friends, colleagues, even the least lovable and adorable people surrounding you. How you gauge your present situation depends on where and to whom you put greater value in the areas of your life. Sorting them according to priority will lessen you from consuming time on finding what makes life beautiful. Because you have it all. Because He provided You with all. He scattered them around you in bounty. Now, sort!

Thank you, is hard to say when you are pacing in least likely situations. But then again, life is not a one-sided coin. I think that God made life like a coin embossed with two pictures. The first side is His picture. And the other side is still with His picture. What God wants to say? You can flip the coin in whatever way and whichever way you want, but still, you have one beginning, and absolutely one end. That makes a picture of a beautiful life. When you have God around. Because all things and people will  pass you by. Life will pass you by. Age will pass you by. Beauty will pass you by. Success will pass you by. Even love will pass you by. Flip the coin and see who won't.=)

Thank you God for not leaving my side however life is tossing me. Thank you for the people you provided to embrace me when the cold wind of life blows, for such a loving and supportive family enabling me to thank You even more, for friends who adds a little crispiness to my list of joys, for the noble job where I am at my best in giving back the love you put in my heart, for all the daily simple situations when You never fail to drop by and wave through strangers, and for the lasting embrace each and every single day I happened to open my eyes. I love you and I opted to remain in Your love. Thank you for loving me without questions ask. Grant me the grace do the same. In peace, I surrender.

Happy New Year to all of us! 

You are in my prayer. 

God loves you super duper!=)

Just for appreciation. Thanks a lot,

Kim

..feeding the hungry heart..

When I am still poor (and still am today, but just a little level up), I always wish that I will win in the lottery. I remember having sorted my long-term goals and short-term goals, and this happened when insanity hasn't caused much damage on my brain cells. One of those listed in that coffee-stained card, I bravely tried to make into reality..somehow. Money was a problem then in order to fulfill that goal, and in addition, I am not into lottery thing. Using the normal brain cells left unharmed, I got an idea from my sister who used to sell cellphone loads. In short, I was an heir of that business (a premonition of a future business venture). With the small amount I have in hand, off I went to see Love.

It was a humid afternoon, and the playground is full of kids. Yes, kids who haven't seen lately the bathroom. I arrived in the place unloading the bags of bread and packs of juice. I acted like I am waiting for someone since I do not want to catch attention from people having their picnics (and I want it secret..as much as possible). I called one kid at a time, asking his name while he is trying to fix his hair. I held out the food on his hand, and in minutes later, he is nowhere to be found. Not until I realized that he was now with a friend, and a friend of his friend, and the friends of his friend's friend..Before I knew it, we're having a children's party amidst the afternoon's heat. They sat down on the grass in groups, not talking of any sort, and I had the best time of my life to thank God that He created bread and juice. One kid approached me with that dried line thing on his nose (imagine it wet)  saying  *"Manang, pwede isa pa?". I reached out in the plastic bag, sadness filled my heart as the supply is nearing empty. It is one of those moments I wished that I am Manny Pacquiao's wife. 

It's holiday once again, and while I'm having my laundry this afternoon, I remember the kids.  They may not know my name, not even remember my face on those two encounters with them, and I too may have forgotten their names. But their eyes, their smiles, the joy I have felt when I touched those hands are so precious to me I can vividly recall them on my mind. I may have fed their aching stomach for a moment, but they fed a certain part of my heart that resonates up to this day. That part that humbles me, that part that detach me from wanting materials things in life, that part that makes me strive more not only to feed aching stomach, but to feed a hungry heart. A heart that hungers for LOVE. I may have gone home that afternoon with nothing on my pocket, but my heart cannot contain the treasure I found in giving. It hides all the joy I cannot find with all of my accomplishments. 

P.S.

I was a bit hesitant to share this story since I want to nurture my other private life. Not even my sister or my family is aware of some of my dwellings. I just would like to convey to anyone out there who might be reading this article that outside of your world, there are just so many reasons why we should LIVE. There are so many people out there who are in dire need, not only for tangible things we can offer, but our presence, our kindness, our time. Sometimes, we are too pre-occupied on how to grow our career, our business, our personal relationships that we lose track of the core essence of living. At the end of the day, who do we live for? What do we live for?

 Feed a hungry heart. You'll get sated in return=)


*Manang is a term used to address an older female.
*Can I have another one?

.. An Echo of Love..

I am on the comfy couch watching our newly  designed receiving area. I guess being sleep-deprived causes an emotional instability, and I thank moment like this when I am prompted to make an article. It's the best solitary thing in the world to do when the rest are savoring a good sleep. The gloomy weather outside is no match to the warmth of the scene on my front view. I remember painting the Nativity few years back when it became our habit to design our flat every holiday season. I am withdrawn by its serenity amidst the lights as my eyes are transfixed on the image. I can lay here still, revering on the canvass with my melting heart. Life has been hard, but life has been good to me. In Every Trial, There Is A Treasure, I recounted as I am driven away by the image of the Nativity..

I was about to enter college. Life was then hard for my family having my mom as our sole provider. It seemed that I am on dilemma taking my course since it entails a multitude of expenses. For a parent rearing 2 kids alone, I would understand if my mom would pre-empt my decision. But she didn't. I got the whole emotional support I needed without a word of uncertainty. My father left us with nothing. Or so I thought. I went home one afternoon after taking my entrance exam when I learned that my father did left us not only something, but the very treasure we needed in life. 

The afternoon of April when he passed away,  the big amount of money of the company entrusted on his hand was never touched. Gold cash. And not a single cent was missing. It was given back to his Boss complete as it was the following day of his death. "You could have used it, he was on emergency state", his Boss said. But it was too late for money to save his life. But not late for my future. I became the recipient of my father's honesty  when his Boss paid my college tuition fees! Miscellaneous included! And this happened 7 years after his death. Just in time when his daughter is in need. A father's love echoes even in grave. 

I received my diploma few years back, with some honors included. Tita Rosit, my father's Boss, my benefactor, who happened to be my Ninang also, was there with me. The hardships and toiling days now counts to be the stepping rock to see a greater, more fulfilling and comfortable life. You see, those dark pieces did not make sense, not until all the pieces fits together to complete the whole picture. Back then, I may have asked God why good people suffer. Fast-forward to the present, I can now answer that good people suffer, so they become better.

I'd like to offer this article to everyone out there who are in pursue of their dreams, who are in doubt for that dream to come true, and still waiting for a dream to be fulfilled. I was once in your shoe, you are not alone. Dragging days may give you failing hopes, and it's ok. What's not ok is to believe that dreams are just dreams. So gather your strength, no matter how faint it is. I believe that help is always out there. It may come from the most unwanted circumstance, unwanted dark piece, and most hurting experience. Believe me, I also thought that it's just a cliche that there is treasure in every trial. Not until I reach the stage of harvesting the fruits of that trials. I'm with you in dreaming your dreams. Keep the faith!=)

..Pedicab and Forgiveness..

We entered the courtroom, he was there handcuffed. I was clutching at my mother's hand as we are nearing the seat. I never saw his features since he was facing the lawyers and the Judge head-down. We were there waiting, with my family still in sorrow for the unanticipated loss. It was a peaceful trial because he pleaded the word we all been waiting for. Guilty. "10 years imprisonment for the case of Homicide", we heard the verdict. I thought that it only happens in movies, but as the Judge held the wooden hammer after he pleaded guilty, I know that justice was served for my father.

Life went on for the whole family after that morning scene in the courtroom. And life was indeed hard for the past years without someone to drew strength from. You have to grow beyond your biological mind age to compensate with the demands of life. There are days when I have to ask God why good people suffer. He is only silent though, as He always was. Days turned to months, and months swiftly turned to years. We endured that dark piece season of our lives. Because God remained faithful despite of my lose grips. In His silence, He blessed me in abundance with the right people to inspire me to remain good when life is not, to keep my joy when smiling is an effort, and to trust Him even when it is daunting.

It was a scorching afternoon when I waited for a pedicab to bring me to school. I'm about to graduate then in high school. I was bothered though when I was noticed not to ride on a certain pedicab. "He killed your father", was the remark. He had availed a parol, 3 years earlier than the verdict. I felt the fear seven years ago when I first entered that courtroom.  For the first time, I saw his face in that pedicab..sweating to make his family's needs. Enduring the afternoon heat to earn a living. I should have felt that hatred when I was only 9, and I cannot understand why good people suffer. But I do not know why my heart aches for that man who gave us that dark piece season.  Maybe because life has its own way of training me to be a better person.

On my father's 10th year death anniversary, 10 days after the date of his death, we received a news that the man who murdered him died the same way as he was killed. My family remained silent for we already surrendered all the pains of loss years ago. As what our Priest adviser said, the universe has its laws. I do not feel vindicated in all honesty, because just like the days when we are suffering and aching with our loss, his family underwent the same turmoil. They also lost a son, a brother, a friend. They also missed countless Christmas Eves without him and days and months and years waiting for his freedom. I believe that in those days that he was inside the prison, missing his youth days when he is supposed to be building a family of his own is enough for him to realized the irrevocable "if only". That ache in my heart has finally sought an answer. When I saw him trying to make things right with the remnant of stigma thrown by the society, I know God is working behind my pains. I know God has healed that hatred. I know God never stops doing His miracles. Because deep in my heart, I have forgiven the man in Pedicab. 

Thank you Lord for breaking me once, and for that dark piece that I held so bright today. Thank you for not letting me dwell on hatred and fear, but for continuously working on my life so I can be able to forgive, to love abound, and to love again and again and again.

This anniversary article is dedicated to those who are in grieve for a loss,  for those who stubbornly not able to forgive..yet, and anyone of you who are having a share of dark piece. Yes, we come to a point of questioning God's kindness and mercy. I can tell from experience. Sometimes, it takes years for us to understand our countless questions because we are utterly pained and bruised. Remain anchored in your faith, because everything comes to an end. My prayers to all of you, and may the miracle of God who is always at work shines your dark piece. You knows, it'll turned out to be your brightest.=)

P.S.
To this writing, I have told my sister of my secret wish for such a long time. That one day, I could visit a prison cell, hold hand with the stranger inside and say "You are forgiven".

..an anniversary Thank You..

I was sitting on the chair next to the calm beach. It's about 5 o'clock in the morning, and I can feel the 15 degrees temperature lashing my every muscle. I remained there, watching the sea and the horizon unveiling its magnificence. I was taken aback by its beauty and stillness, gratitude is engulfing me tight as I recalled the faithfulness of God. He was there and always was. The more that my vision scanned the wide-spaced sea, the more it made me realized that His love for me is wider than this. Sky is the limit. I never felt so close to Him lately than being here watching the streaks of sun rays peeping among the clouds as if saying "I'll change the gloomy sky if you believe in Me". I waited for more minutes, savoring the fresh air and slow-pacing time while I do not worry of anything else except to taste every moment of idleness. There's so much peace in my heart, there's so much love filling in it. The struggles from the past are now memories to look back and thank the Lord for the strength I never imagined I possessed in conquering whatever He had given me. Looking back, the pieces of puzzles in my life made sense. It's true that you'll never know the purpose of that dark piece unless it fits to complete the whole picture. And while I am waiting for the sun to completely occupy the sky, there are pieces of my life's picture come flashing before the horizons. I am thankful for them for they made me feel so blessed. I am thankful for them for they made me the person unreluctant to savor both the joy and pain, ready to face whatever storm that will rock my inner peace. I gaze on the priceless stretches before me, it is as calm as what my heart feels right now. I can embrace life in all its splendor, for I know that life will end anytime. For now, I am just wiping the tears blocking my eyes, they got the way I'm seeing the wonders of life.

On my blog's 2nd year anniversary, I want to share with you those pieces as a way of thanking you all for the precious time you've given me every time you open this page, my hideout, my 3rd place. You may not know me personally but still, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you for making my life so much beautiful.=)

..Date Over Coffee Mocha..

I set my alarm at 3:30 pm and went to bed with the bizarre feeling. Not so long, I was awaken by the noise that signaled me to stretch some muscles and get myself ready. I enthusiastically went to the bathroom and open the shower. I got a chill, not because our heater took sometime to do its job, but because today I'll be out on a date. I shampooed my hair briefly and disregard the conditioner. I don't want to missed the bus and stood the one waiting for me. I wore a white long sleeve because winter is definitely felt here in the East. I didn't mind putting make-up firstly because I do not know how. Besides, my date for today is not choosy. Instead, I just lavished ample amount of moisturizer on my face, enough as not to mistaken it as a frying pan. I grabbed my flats, careful not to make noise since my room mate is salivating from her sleep (sorry Sunshine, you have to prove me wrong in writing this,hihi) My hair is not even fixed, I just have it as is. I always want to wear a natural good-morning-from-bed look. As what I've said, my date is not that choosy.

I rode the bus, excited to be at the place where we will meet. I figured out how to open a topic, since this is the first time I'll be doing this. Besides, it's been a while since I went out on a date. I stepped out from the bus, hurried off to the coffee shop. I silently walked in, and I got the impression that this afternoon was solely created for a cozy encounter. I'm the only customer occupying the space, and for the meanwhile, I ordered a cup of coffee mocha and plain donut. I sat on the corner and laid the Gratitude Journal I brought with me. By the way, it has always been my silent companion. But mind you, it talks the loudest the moment you start reading it. Moments later, there was my date sitting in front of me. I cannot directly look at those eyes. I do not understand but I feel a bit, errr, awkward. He started to gaze at me, same familiar eyes. I tried to shift away from the gaze because of couple of guilts running my mind. I'm honest of my unfaithfulness. He understand. And I blushed. I open the cup and stirred the coffee mocha, my date watching me, smiling from time to time. He's happy I wasted the afternoon on the empty coffee shop. There's not so much exchanged of words but we are communicating. I felt the happiness I always been wanting to have. I looked at the blooming flowers from the oval garden, they are at their best. The sky is slightly changing hues, and I know sunset is at its brink of saying hello. He was still on the opposite chair while I marvel on the beauty that becomes suddenly extraordinary. I tried to close my eyes forcefully, because tears blur my sight. I was in control not to let it fall. I don't want to give a lunatic impression to the In-charge of the shop. I started to sip the beverage, holding it carefully since the air condition inside made me shiver. I rested the cup and looked at my date. I realized how much I miss the moment, to be with someone who understands my silence. To just let me be whatever I want to be. He missed me even more, I can tell. I closed my eyes, feeling the warmth grasping my sweating hands. I was not only held, I was embraced. I savor the moment, with sore in my heart how I've been missing such a beautiful emotion. I was held tight, reassuring in nature, not even a blame was uttered. I was just held.

Soon, I open my teary eyes. The chair is now vacant. I'm still the only customer in the shop. But I'm not alone. There's so much love filling my heart I do not know how to contain it. I opened my Gratitude Journal. I merely understand what I'm writing down. It seemed that my hands have a heart of their own. Lying open beside the sugar pouch and stirrer, I read what I wrote: I dated God over a cup of Coffee Mocha. (smiley included).

P.S.

Because God cannot eat the extra donut I ordered for Him, it was delivered to somewhere else..Hot choco included=)

 I found the utmost joy in my ordinary corner. Thank you God for wasting Your time on me. Let's do this often. A date over a cup of Cappuccino some other time maybe=) I love you!

..the kind of love..

When my sister and I were still kids, we were sickly. I remember the days when our grandmother and auntie would take turns in bringing us to the doctor. We have this formed habit though that whoever of us is sick would sleep with our Lola. It seemed that her bed had therapeutic claim that whoever lay down on that surface will get well. It's as though her hands have that warmth that when it touches your forehead, you believe the fever will not stay long. The milk that she would provide you before going to bed seemed to have a magical spell you'd think it's exclusively manufactured for a sick you. We would sleep then in peace, knowing that her eyes never wanders around and that you are being watched round the clock. Words are not always spoken in between but you know she had said it very well. This is the kind of love that we often receives when we are sick. 

One night in 1996, our house was ravaged with storm. I'm suffering then with high grade fever because of tonsillitis and ear infection. The roof of our house I feared would be stripped and water starts to come in. My grandmother wrapped me with blanket, cradled me on her lap while I was clinging on her arms. I fell asleep despite the storm brushing our windows and doors. I am reassured that as long as she's holding me tight, I am safe and no kind of storm can harm me. This is the kind of love that pacified me.

I was once a fool, too. Falling in love, believing in happy endings, at a price too high to pay. I made decisions without using my conscience and ended up straining relationships. I asked myself if this is the kind of love I'd be happy with. And you know what, if you are at the brink of longing to find answers out of your deepest emotions, you'll know that no matter how hard it is, God is giving you enough courage to make the wrongs right. This is the kind of love I want to live with. The kind that will make you grow in faith and directs you to your purpose, the one that gives you peace knowing that it feeds a good person in you, the one that makes you accept and love both the ugly and beautiful you, the one that makes your heart cherish the ordinary things right at your sight; and they become invincibly extraordinary,  and the one that makes you fall in love all the more with the Author of Life. This is the kind of love I'll die for. 

Everyday, we are facing different silent storms in life. Disappointments, betrayal, missed opportunities, unanswered prayers, failing and losing, the list goes on. Finding love then becomes difficult. We become too weary, We become exhausted. We become too fearful. But God, just like my grandmother,   grabs the blanket at once, wraps you in comfort and encircles His arms around you. So that no matter how lashing the storms inside and outside of you, you'll fall asleep knowing that no harm can reach the strands of your hair. Allow God to cradle you on His lap. Cling on His arms no matter what storm you are facing now. This is the kind of love that God offers. And the good news is, it's FREE.

 I look at the people around me. Their smiles and struggles, their worries and difficulties. I know how wounded the world is, for I am counting myself as one. Of all the wants and desires I have in my heart, this echoes the most: I want to be their kind of love.=)

..not much for a gift..

My sister is also a photo enthusiast. In fact, she can capture simple scenes and turn it explicitly special by just using her iPod I gave her last holidays. She often would say that she wanted to have a DSLR and I pretended not to hear (just to somehow prolong her agony..you'll know why so keep on reading). Days passed and she would upload her captures in her Facebook account. I pretended not to see until I have no choice since one day she asked me "Sis, have you seen the pics I recently uploaded? " I love her that I cannot let the moment passed by without appreciating her efforts. "Yes, saw the pics and they're really heart-warming". And the subtle emotional manipulation would set in when she starts to say "It's only an ordinary camera". Nyay!=)

She never stopped doing the things she really love. And I, watching from afar, could not stand but smile because by prolonging her agony in waiting, I come to prove that she has a knack on Inspirational Photography , a passion aligned to her conviction in letting others see Jesus in simple ways she knew and in serving others through the work of her "ordinary camera".  She was even able to submit entries that were used for an article for Kerygma Magazine, one of the country's widely read  Catholic inspirational magazines. The long wait is over when I cannot contain my own excitement in giving her the desire of her heart. Months before she turned 26, she finally acquired a high end DSLR, more expensive than the one I own. I would admit that it's a bit costly that I thought there was a built-in magnet from my pocket the moment I started to pull the whole amount so she can have her dream camera. But because my love for my sister outweighs the amount of the DSLR, it's not much for a gift.

Looking at the smile on her face and the "thank you Manang Kim" whenever I would check how her new toy is, I know that the amount of money I spent is worth it all. I know that it would be use on the right purpose and intentions. In keeping her waiting, she developed the patience to progress her work, to persevere when it seems to be a "no", to keep on propelling knowing that God's time is always the best time. I believe that God thinks that way, too. He sees the desire of our hearts from afar. We might think that He's pretending to be deaf and blind for keeping us waiting for what we really want.  In those silent moments when we believe that He does not hear or see, it is in those moments He wants us to search in our hearts that what we are asking for is aligned to His purpose for us. That nothing, even an unsaid wish, escapes from His generous and forgiving heart. Sometimes, we think we are asking too much that we mistaken  silence as "no". That a delay is a sign to stop asking. Well, if I cannot contain my own excitement to give what I know will make my sister happy, how much more the good Lord who is faithful in all things to His beloved?

What we desire is not much for God to give.

Because He's a natural Giver. 

Just look at the Cross.

Is it not much for a gift?=)

..touched by a stranger..

This world is full of miracles that is waiting to be unveil, felt and experience by human existence. The depths of how we are to go on living is something beyond our grasp to worry about everyday. We live with close encounters with many shapes, different shadows and hues, perspectives that outline our purpose, and light that illuminates our soul. How many of these do you recognize?

I started my job as a nurse at 21. Everyday, I would travel for an hour with three stops to reach the hospital. One afternoon, I am waiting for the public utility vehicle passing by our subdivision. I'll be on an afternoon shift duty that day and I fear that with the waiting minutes that went by, I'll end up late at work. I walked furthermore and reached the entrance of  our subdivision, and waited for another minutes of no assurance. With the sun scorching my newly pressed white uniform, I started to use my handkerchief to dry the building sweats. A car stopped at my front, a woman on her late 70's opened the window shield and told me to come inside the car. I was hesitant since we were told not to entertain strangers. I smiled at her, trying not to be a slob to refuse a gracious offer from an old woman. But she was persistent and  to make the story short, we traveled together. I can smell the leather of her car, and I was right to conclude that it's brand new (I'm a lucky chick since birth). She introduced herself. She said she's been passing by everyday to our subdivision. She's been serving the Home for the Aged foundation near our place for years now. That afternoon was the first time she saw me and said she's not hesitant with a stranger. I cannot explain why but there's something in her genuine tone that made me spill the beans of my personal life to her. How my sister and I grew up fatherless and how we survived to become what we are at the moment of our  conversation. I am stilled and quieted, having felt the strong connection to someone I never had encountered in the past. I found solace in her words, the wisdom that reflects from the white strands of her hair. Though I cannot remember the rest of  the conversation, I cannot forget how she made me feel closer to heaven. "God has a purpose". 

That was one of the most heartfelt conversation I had with a stranger, a hitch-ride that taught me that if you believe in the inner goodness of a person without knowing her name, her work or her position in society, you're making her feel better about herself and in return, she does what is good. To return the favor to Mrs. Jacintos, a stranger I've known in time I know was set in God's timeline, I am trying to be at least a beautiful stranger to someone else. If my heart is not telling a lie, I guess I recognize that Jesus knows how to drive a leather seat car=)

..the swivel chair laughed at me..

It was Friday and we were blessed enough to have a one-digit census; not so likely for the ward that caters 24 patients or more. It was a peaceful day, the sun outside shines happily as if it will never have a chance tomorrow again to marvel at the sky. I started my notes early, and yawning from once in a while. That's the irony of having a low census; you look for adrenaline rush you used to deal with everyday. I made a quick rounds again and positioned myself on the cozy swivel chair, still yawning upon seeing the clock that seems so slow in doing its job. When you are accustomed of always being on the go, it's a toil sitting still and waiting for something for your hands to work with. I looked at the clock again, with my eyes getting narrow out of being somewhat irritated not having anything to do. I cannot finish the lines in my nurse's notes. The lack of pressure from time constrained led me to procrastination. So there I was, whining of slow ticks of time. Not until the afternoon came and so my admissions did. One after the other, with all the procedures here and there. The pins from my braided hair is at the brink of giving up it nearly fell off from my once neatly tied hairdo. I dragged the swivel chair aside so it may not block the way I'm getting things done. It turned out that the clock seemed to speed up from its pleasant job I wanted to show it that traffic lights consist of RED light. The more that I gazed to its hands, the more my heart seemed to pump harder. It's almost endorsement time, and my notes were left clean and span--I haven't finish any file.

I grabbed the swivel chair to the pantry, did my notes in extended period of time and avoided to see the clock at the wall. Though I controlled my fits of gazing at it, I can feel the coldness of the swivel chair left unused for quite sometime. Now that I'm sitting at it, I'm feeling the comfort I was not able to appreciate earlier when everything was smooth and easy. When I have all the ample time to make things done without sweat. 

Sometimes time stand still, allowing us quiet hiatal periods to see and feel the things around us. But because the world's noise has taken us to be accustomed to restlessness, quiet moments are taken for granted. We want to rush time, we want to rush things. But God is delaying the ticks of the clock to slow us down, to enable us to listen with an open heart. Because it is in those times He wants to speak with us. And it took the swivel chair to laugh at me to realize these.

What are you restless of?

..dark dawn, bright day..

Since falling asleep is as elusive as sauntering the peaceful shore of my dream beach (wish my waistline is 24 by then), I'm able to make some rumblings here in my hideout. With the unforgiving schedule I have for the past days, it's easier to whine and grumble for the things that are preventing me to have a peaceful sleep. I have a distorted routine: from my prayer time to maximizing the opportunity I'm still with my flat 8 family. Even my scheduled off was totally turned to working days and I could not do anything less than to sigh. There were days I remember that I've been praying fervently for God to send me reasons to keep my enthusiasm despite the grueling, arduous days. And for the many times I've fallen asleep while praying. The days I'm missing my family back home, the freedom I used to enjoy from dust till dawn, the comfort from being taken care of, and the many things I wanted to do alone. And while all the bumps are heading my way, I cannot shy away the endless providence I get to receive. It's hard for me not to notice them since they are the very language of God comforting me, leading me to trust in Him all the more, keeping my belief that being pushed to do things outside of your comfort zone is perhaps God's training ground in making me a better person.  

Because of some inevitable happenings in our ward and all the changes of our schedule, I was forced to  go on an unconventional number of duty days. Yesterday was the last day prior to my long-awaited off. Whenever I looked at the corners of the ward, I can imagine my bed and big pillows waving a  crunchy "hello", seductively lowering my defenses against being awake and empowering me with the thought that I should have been in my room, rubbing elbows with prince charming in my dream. 

Started my day shift with an emergency operation and with the first day of holiday here in the East made me feel like a newborn child grasping for whatever help there is to keep me alive. And because the patient is also a Filipino nationality (I've tried being impartial), it pressured me all the more to have him operated at once. I can't afford to call for a Code Blue (emergency call for patients who went flatline) without my seniors around, not under my watch. I don't know how we did it having only 3 staffs on duty but we were so happy when the Surgeon came to us just after the procedure and said that our "Kabayan" is bleed-free. I'm usually moved by small gestures of  my patients getting well but in times when you are lazy to go to work and things like this happens, it's a big gesture of God working through your "dark dawn". That same day, I was able to have some good bonding with my cancer patient. Looking through his jaundice (yellowish) eyes, I wonder how he knew my name since I'm not fond of introducing my name which is supposed to be a must on first-hand patient contact (I envy nurses who do this). For the many times he said "thank you Kim" to me, yesterday was the crispiest. Maybe because I'm not in a hurry, maybe because yesterday was a day destined for me not only to hear but  to listen to my patient's thank you. Yesterday was a day for me to realized that Nothing Just Happens, as what Bo Sanchez said. Yes, it's my dark dawn going to duty when you anticipated it to be your rest day, but true enough that it was written that I should be on duty yesterday. God doesn't want me to be absent, He wants me to be in the front row so He can teach me another set of lessons in life. And He chose to have it done in the hospital, my Second Place. In time I consider it as dark dawn, God flipped the events and gave me my bright day. Indeed, the things we need to learn in life are just outside our comfort zones!

Are you having dark dawns in your life now? Congratulations! God is holding you a lesson, in a place  of your inconvenience, in a manner that is incongruent of your choices. He is turning your dark dawn to a brighter day. More than you could ever think of! 

Bright Sunday to all! God is Amazing!=)

..Where Do I Begin?: A Question of Pursuit..

Where do I begin? I've been humming this familiar song today while I'm on duty and the call bell from every corner of the station kept pressing it seemed like I'm having a background orchestra. I didn't give in to the fear that nature will rise against my golden voice (ahem) which is very fitting to the concert room I called bathroom. I have been quite a disturbed soul for days that one of the safe ways (if I may say so) is to disperse the "humid air" by humming it away. Life's  a bit of  a joke sometimes. Just when you are ready to saunter a certain road, it seems like another way emerged from a distance. The question now is which road to head? Fear is smirking somewhere between hope and failure, between familiarity and unknown, between comfort zone and courage zone. There are many opinionated people saying what's best for you and that you should do this and you should do that. Where to begin??

My only sister Robz is currently working in a company but I don't understand for what other reasons that she applied to another company. Since she has a good background of working experience as a Software Engineer, being hired was a breeze. I was happy for her since she asked me to pray for it and it was granted. One day, she messaged me and said that she turned down the offer: travel privileges and salary that is enticing enough to leave the job she was at least happy serving at. I feel astounded and drowsy reading her message. I cannot understand though I read it twice until it dawned on me the word "passion". She's been serving the kids every Saturday in He Cares foundation, feeding them and giving them not only a bath but the love they cannot get from the streets. For that of which she finds most joy and fulfillment. Her passion in serving other people is the main reason of her turning down the job that could give her material joy but not inner peace. And because God crowns your efforts double when you choose to serve Him first, my sister was transferred to the main company weeks after and was promoted as Senior Technical Consultant. And she's only 25! There are things indeed that drives us crazy. Choices that will test our capacity to choose  and it's not always easy because it entails giving up: your comfort,  your convenience, your safe haven.

Clarity is what I've been praying for fervently everyday. I believe in Divine Intervention, it's the best compass of all time. No matter how well-arranged your plans are, it will be blown away in a snap when it is not in accordance to His will. And what is His will for me? I go back to the deepest want of my heart. To where I can find inner peace, hope despite the possibilities of failure, of honing the gifts I was blessed with, and the fulfillment in living out my passion. It may not necessarily bring you material fulfillment, but who said you can take anything with you when your time-glass drains empty?

Let me pose this cracking question if you are, like me, in a dilemma between two choices:

If you are on your deathbed, what would you lose in exchange for something you can keep?

The things you can afford to bargain are the things you can let go. What will be left are what will you carry to the next life, figuratively.

Pursue the things that make you feel most alive. Begin and ends where your heart beats stronger.
Happy Mid-week!=)

..of second chance..

The nuisance of my schedule is giving me a drive for a day where I can sit on a corner on untamed hair and elevated legs. I've been thinking to make a post but I needed to wait for my subject's consent to share her story. I have an ardent urge to write it down since I, too, is familiar with the noun "chance". What will you do if the wishing star heard your cry, and grant you a second chance in life?

I met Karen few months back. Young, sweet and the only child in the family, I wonder what prompted her to leave her comfort zone and trudge the unknown. Courage, I smiled alone remembering my own reasons why I opted to have my journey. There was one occasion when she joined us in the rooftop one laidback night. I learned that behind the young and sweet face is a warrior's heart. A child from within forced to fight a tough battle for her beloved sick mother, and mending a derailed relationship with her father. Someone whose trust was tested by betrayal and deception, of a daughter's love contoured by distance and once in a while hello, of strength to be emulated after sometime of feebleness, of faith  that endures amidst confusions and questions. Despite of these, she remained composed and in good faith. The stars that night might have been listening to our sharing, though they were hideously been cast on the peaceful sky.

It was last week when an event happened not only to test her strength but her ability to remain good-hearted in times of great testing. He had a cerebrovascular attack or stroke. She needed to travel to his place, give up her week of work and be with the man he called Papa. I remember the noun "chance" upon learning her situation. I sent her a message, reassuring her that we are here for her and that there must be a reason why she was brought by fate in this place, in a timely moment. It must have been a time for her to talk with him, even if he cannot respond consciously, to say the words of forgiveness even if silence is his response, to patch things up even in the bed of ICU. Is there really a right place for a chance to take place? Should it be well-planned before we recognize that it is happening? My wish of better days for her and of grabbing that second chance while it is still there. You can never trust the beat of your heart. It might cease anytime. I'll be praying for that second chance.

I have known an ample stories to tell. Stories that you might find difficult to believe not until the second chance took place. A friend of mine got pregnant at a time when we are about to graduate from college. Being the eldest and the only girl in the family and the boyfriend is apparently not welcomed by her parents, she took the path of being a single mom. In pursuit of giving the best for the child, she continued her education and finally had her diploma. It was then she met the man who accepted her past, married her and currently enjoying a life outside the country. Or a story of a well-off  blacksheep -in-the-family friend, jumping from one relationship to another, a substance dependent and considered an outcast in her family whose now a full-pledge nurse after years of going back to college. Obviously, in God's economy, nothing goes to waste. He makes all things new, especially those of which the world considers a hopeless case=)

Second chance....I believe all of us are given this opportunity. We fall, we lose, we break, we make, we cry, but we hope again. Because human was made out of the heart of the One who is generous for a second chance, a third chance, and another more chances. He will not give up on you, even how many chances it will take.

Got your second chance? How do you take good care of it?

  

..loved, even at closed eyes..

Time flies fast another page in the calendar was torn. It's definitely October!=) I can't find better way to welcome another month but just to be thankful for all the provisions that I am effortlessly and benevolently receiving from my beloved God. Life is such a funny theater. When the curtains are draw and the lights are on, expect that drama, comedy, and romance rub elbows in a congruently unscripted life. We embrace each in  a certain degree and face each level squarely. At the end of the day, it's not how well we performed or how perfect we delivered our lines. It's all about obedience to your God as your director: to love instinctively,  to give willingly, and to live a life reflecting His heart. When the curtains are closed and the lights are starting to dim, there He will be at the front row sitting, looking at you tenderly, saying "I'm proud of you no matter what!"

As we drove home from the grocery store, I was tired of the day's activities that I happened to lean on my seatmate's shoulder and fell asleep. I realized that no matter what those things that are tiring us and weighing us down, we can quietly lean on God's shoulder. In silence of our hearts, let us be warmed by His unchanging love that is unfathomable to grasp. For anyone around you can hurt you unexpectedly,  can disappointment you big time and can drive your own peace and happiness away. Close your eyes, do not be afraid of the darkness that you see. Trust that even in those closed eyes, a Father's open heart can safely bring you back home unscathed. 

I have my own burdens to carry without anyone knowing. I keep my peace knowing that I am not alone, that my battle has long been won at the Cross. I have the day for my lips to utter those "thank you" instead of "why", and oftentimes, I caught myself  teary-eyed for such an overwhelming pour of supplications. I don't know what else to say, but I know there's a reason for the so much love I have in my heart. I will surely give back to the world what I was endowed with. I hope my own "thank you" will reach at your door steps.

If you could live another day today, how would you let the world know that you are blessed?

..and how would you bless the world?=)

..first love never dies..

I was preparing my patient to be brought down for operation. He's at his 40's. His almond eyes that becomes obliterated the moment he smiles remind me so much of my first love. Beside him is his 5-year old boy wearing those pair of glasses, observing my every move and asking me what I will gonna do with his dad. Patient for this cute little man, I said we'll take his dad to the Operating Room to remove what makes his dad sick. The stretcher was positioned in the room and my patient obediently followed the instructions. I am about to give the pre-operative injection when he came out from my back, grabbed the safety bar of the stretcher that was taller than him and tried to fit his circle face on the spaces and said "Daddy I am here. You take care, ok?". I don't know what's with those words from a 5-year old but it touched the kid in me. It took me to a time when we were taken out of the chance to have these words said, to have that kind of moment I will just be forever wish to happen.

I said many years ago that I have forgiven you. For leaving without a word, for a goodbye that was never said and explained. I allowed little consolation to embrace me that it was always for the good, that He knows the best and that everything ends..all the pains, the sufferings, and the longing for days that you are not here. Yes, I have forgiven you from that unwanted goodbye. Nonetheless, there will always be good memories to go back to, a moving painting where I can see you there in the canvas of my vivid memory. You and your almond eyes. Those eyes that I once believed cried for joy when you had us. And with that thought, it will be enough to maintain the colors in the canvas: where you do not fade, where you do not grow old, where you stay forever the man I first loved. You died, but our love didn't. You died, but your love didn't.

Happy Birthday Pap, you'll always be your daughters' first love. It will never die.

You take care, ok?-Kim and Robz

..will you give your heart?..

The lights in the room are now put off. My only source of light is coming from my computer screen. I can hear some musical notes from my roommate's snoring that brought a smile on my creamed-face while indulging with the warmth of my spongebob comforter and once in a while giddy movements of my toes. I have a tiring duty this past days but having some sort of "mental instability" always lead me to being in the state of composure. I have this peculiar feeling of strong conviction that something so beautiful will soon knock at my doorsteps. That whenever I look at the sunshine whenever I have my morning travel to the hospital, I can't help but close my eyes and thank God for the joy He is investing in my heart. The joy that does not come from having expensive stuffs and all, but something that is so intangible yet so very real you cannot do anything less but just be grateful. Call me mad (and you'll make me proud,haha) but there are certain point of the moment when it seems that the Earth has no opposite poles, no longitudes and latitudes, no verticals and horizontals, only that single inconceivable point where you feel that all is exactly one and the same, that God is real and is very present. That nothing there is to be done on that moment but to breathe the love immensely available, given with overflowing generosity you'll say "what more is there to ask for, what more in life is more important than to feel being loved every single day, what more there is that God cannot do for His most beloved?"

I have my joyful palpitations intricately woven in a manner I have very little understanding where it is coming from. I confess that my life's journey is a whole lot like a night traveler with excess baggage. I traversed an unfamiliar road, felt that the night seemed darker with another step and no one I knew will lift a finger once they come to learn my excess baggage. But as just there are guiding stars no matter how dark the night is, the light of gentle grace casts its shadow on my path I was able to finally unload what's keeping me down a slow walk. Indeed, there's nothing bigger for God's mercy, nothing so convoluted that He cannot solve, nothing irreparable that He cannot make new. There's nothing you have done to disinherit His love. Nothing.

Are you burdened lately? Have you ever felt like traveling in the night with nowhere to stop? Has life been unfair you do not want to take another step? If God made that dark night, could He not flip your fate and send out the brightest day?

Give your heart to the Lord, He'll make unconditional amends.  His heart is too big for your indemnities. Just come, He is waiting. I guess, His arm's already open=)

When will you give your heart?

..of being out of service..no more=)..

The calmness of the night was broken with my heart's joy as I was finally able to open my Chameleon's wall! I can't contain my happiness despite the throbbing headache and sorethroat that is inhibiting me from having a good night sleep. I don't mind anyway, it's roughly 1:00 0'clock in the morning. I want to be where I can be myself, nothing to worry with words I am saying and just jubilantly expressive of my thoughts. This is the loveliest thing to do at dawn and I compose myself despite being sick, and even runny nose can never stop me from scribbling down. I have good memoirs of the past days while I am not able to write any articles due to a site glitch. I have intricately spent some "me-time" a couple of days ago. It was one of the moments when I have the strong drive to be still, lingering in my memory the good things that are happening in my life and how the Lord keeps pouring His love on me, my family, our business, and my noble career. I got goose bumps of  the thought how abundantly blessed I am.

I was seated on the corner of the coffee shop, waiting for the next bus going to the villa where I am giving my muscles a bit of stretch and toning up. I removed from my Spongebob paper bag my Gratitude Journal, not minding the store's onlookers who happened to be the worker and my only company at that moment aside from a chocolate donut and Oreo frappe. I love how the green grass soothes my tired eyes from almost a day of sleeping. Faceless people kept passing by the store and I don't care that much. Not even a cute hottie can disturb me from filling up my love tank by spending time with myself. I took a slow walks going to where the bus parked. I reckon that I feel like having a catwalk on the hospital's hallway. Alright, now I can hear you say there you go again, Kim. Since my eyes are incapable of recognizing people from afar, I just gave a smile to someone who called my name. I gave her a "hi" and we hugged. It's a shame though that I happened to forgot her name,LOL. I reached the gym with that eager feeling of blessedness, took the warm up and started making good sweats. The universe connived since I owned the whole space being no one was there at that moment. I smiled here and there, shook my head once in a while in disbelief of how immensely things are going right for me and the people surrounding me. Oh yes, it's not wrong to imagine God watching me sweat  while  I devour with His goodness.=)

I went home so light and happy and happy and happy. Did I just mentioned I'm happy?haha You know, we can always whine about our daily encounters with life's routines. Be it caught in a traffic jam, a missed elevator opportunity and a whole bunch of endless misfortunes. I even whined why I cannot write an article. Well, if it wasn't because of the days that my blogsite is out of service, I won't be able to experienced those things. Sometimes, certain events happened as a re-direction but always leads us to where God knows where we will be happy at. I'm back to where I can be myself and to where I can share what I was gifted with (self-proclaimed). Do not give up on simple glitches in life, especially if you have that feeling that you never should. It's just God maneuvering to bring you back to where He thinks you'll blossom beautifully, usefully, blissfully and happily. I was patient with my glitches, and so I feel the utmost important of writing. I think I'll go mad if I can't write. If that would be the case, it would add insult to the existing injury,haha

Thank you once again for the precious moment you spare with Chameleon. I miss writing, I miss us. (nah, this is just a writer-reader relationship=).

Happy and blessed week ahead!  I'm overjoyed! Kim at your service!=)

..please remember..

It feels good to have your articles shared on someone else's  page. I never thought that this place, my Third Place, a vent out for the words I'd rather scribble than say,  would reached as far as 93 articles as to this writing. Again, I do not claim any glory for anything. I have countless loopholes and feebleness  as may everyone of us has, I believe. I thanked my frailties that it made me revere for what I consider my strengths. I thanked my patent veins and arteries for a fully functioning optimism in my system. I choose to bounce a leap higher after some jaded memories trying to occlude the good flow of my enthusiasm towards life. I reckon that it made my frontal lobe got an itch to make more of logical reasons and for me to heed them. 

Today is one of those days when I am having a good taste of rest. Some kind of like being seated on a remote corner of coffee shop, reluctant to read a good book since the aroma of the brewed coffee waiting to be poured on a cup makes your tummy grumbles; and you cannot define whether it's just a response of your stomach's parietal cells for the stimulated sense of smell or just a tummy-jolt for the joy in doing absolutely nothing. Forgive me for being melodramatic in some sense but you see, I don't often have an ample time since rest seemed to become a luxury. I've been a disturbed soul for the past days and for someone who's a proactive and having a one-digit census in the ward is quite a distortion in my routine. Keeping still has become a torture,LOL At any rate, I cannot just simply ignore the bliss of being quiet, count my blessings, having sometime to rectify plans, staying fit by dropping by the gym and well, cleaning my "memory closet". I concluded in my idle times that you cannot trust your subconscious for there is no guarantee that it will be impervious from once in a while flashbacks. Memory, oh, memory.

The sound from the nearby mosque aided me of the existing time, of which I am oblivious of.

And to the one whom I missed:

I will dance to the colors of prism emanating from the drizzles

I will keep my spontaneity and sense of humor

I will be sated by the warmth under my feet, knowing that I could still feel

I will bask to the smile and tears the memory brings

Until the day it stops guessing
These words, please remember.

I will have you in my memory..

..live anyway..

 One of my simple joys when I'm on bed is to  have my legs elevated on the pillow. The bedroom light was already turned off and my lazy eyes are ready to doze off. Yet, I can't allow to let this day pass by ignoring the wonders of being alive. Though I'll be honest that the past days were dragging days for me, a toil I will not share anymore cause being sad is as infectious as being optimistic. The temperature in the East, I wished, can fry even the little emotional ordeal I'm trying to shrug off. I just have to deal with it gracefully, peacefully, and gorgeously (as needed). 

I went to the bathroom to do my pre-slumber ritual. I turned off the lights simply because I just wanted it off. I cringed for the dark, blamed my unconventional thinking but stayed on the throne anyway. The slimy window, I noticed, emit the flimsiest rays of lights which in turn lightened the comfort room. Looking at the mirror in silhouette moments, I've proven that God's creation is never a mistake=)

You may feel like you are in the dark room right now. You will frown for a moment, be sad for days, cry a little, shed tears; you closed the door for a choice and stayed in the throne of loneliness. It may look like it's impossible for the light to creep through. The hand of hope will surely reach for you, it may not be immediate but it will surely touch you. So live anyway!

There might be dreams that you might think had reached the dead end. People around you seemed to quit believing that one day, you'll get to your destination. The road feels like full of rocks and bumps someone during the night scattered them when you were busy dreaming for your dreams. Keep steadfast, for rocks can be sweep aside and bumps can be overcome with tires of strength and perseverance. So live anyway!

Your job may not be producing your desired fruits. It drains your joy and not making your bank account fat. It seems like enthusiasm was left on the punch out machine and you declare it's out of service. Keep paddling though, for waves will pacify with the rising of  the sun. Pray for your hands that they may be a source of inspiration, for your feet that others may also dream to propel forward. Pray that others may realize that even a hopeless tree can still bear fruit when touch by the greatest Man ever alive. So live anyway!

Your heart may be ruthlessly broken over and over again. Love seemed to be a scarce commodity you think that heaven must have hoard all the cupids. Take heart, and defy the scarcity. For one day. the sleepless nights and tears will say thank you it was all worth it. You still got a heart, and it is very capable to love. So live anyway!

You may be in profound sorrow, impossible situations, and unrelenting ordeals you don't want to give it a try. Stop. Stop listening to the voice that wears you down and tears you apart. The clouds will be driven aside, the sun will majestically take the front and it will blast a glorious rays you know it's worth giving life another try. So live anyway!

I may not be in good emotional physique but I will not surely sit in the throne of loneliness for prolong duration. As what I can reiterate, I'm still a concoction of pessimism and optimism. And I chose to be happy despite of dot dot dot. I'm still so alive. And so I'll live anyway!=)

My battery is running out. It's time to bid goodnight.

Wishing you a blessed weekend! 

God bless everyone!=)

..I'll collide with you if the universe will someday conspire..

" A guy and a girl can just be friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever"- Dave Matthews Band

There's a tinge of fiasco when you think haphazardly. You make rules and then break them. For man by nature is indeed rebellious. Say no and he'll find a sure yes. I'm still a private person and I indulge with my own mysteries. Of course he knew that, being the one who claimed to have known me since then. What will make me flare up and what will soothe my tantrums. Maybe because we were so accustomed with each other we overlooked what was there. You love signs and you look for them as much as you can. While I, I make them happen for you. I wished you knew how to read signs, so you could have read clearly and we could have collide. But I guess we always are destine to be separated by principles, by the situation, by our own personal choices, and that one thing I cannot risk over the thing we hoped for to happen. You tried to live your own bliss and I'm happy. Because that's what I've always been hoping for you. But why we can't get out of the circle? Of which we always end up visiting that point where everything felt just so right? And end up in the realization that reality speaks loud you have to listen to them. Or else, I'll be dwelling in the thought of which you are giving me unintentionally since then. Will there come a time when we can just sit down, I can look in your eyes and I'll never see those stares of blame while you'll never see from mine the stares of  "could it really be?". Will you ever be courageous when I have all the hold backs and fight it all through the end somehow? When you will not put me in a situation where I can avoid the thought that I am a second best? 

I should not be entertaining these questions anymore because it had long been dwelt of head up high. It's just that we are always back to that inevitable point when it seemed that nothing has changed or it's just the way how I looked at it. I hope we can eventually move out and stop the vicious cycle.

This is just another rumblings of a haphazard mind. I'm clinging on to my own rules, of which I hope I will not break anymore. Love can manifest its fragility in some certain ways but it should not deviate us from our bliss. I'm happy with what the past has brought me to the present, and what it did for you too. There are things indeed that once in a while good to reminisce, resolved or not. 

I will continue living with my inner madness. I welcome possibilities, and life's surprises. Who knows, I'll collide with you again someday..if the universe will conspire once more.=)

..the way of the world..

I love the comfort of my newly received mattress from one of my colleagues. As you know, I used to sleep with a sagging foam it made me think I am weighing much more of my usual weight. Having done some self-investigation of the main root of the problem since I've been changing mattress for at least thrice already, I realized I haven't been removing the old one and just been laying over top the new one.  For which accounts why I experience the problem over and over again. I cannot let go of the old foam which is obviously affecting  the new one, no matter how new it is. I cannot, until today=)

Let Go

..of the shallowness of attachment to the things that can only give a fleeting joy, and embrace the ones that are eternally pleasant. There is always peace that comes from wanting less and thanking more. Simplicity helps you define what weighs more and those that does not have weight at all. That's the way of the world.

Let Go

..of pleasing people. They do not know what you are going through. You have an enormous power to create your own pattern by living with your gifts. People will always have something to say, but listen to your faith anyway and live an authentic life with God as your basic need. That should be the way of the world.

Let Go

..of the the clutter from bitterness and hurtful hurts. There is no future in the past. Do not allow the poison of hate to keep on circulating and controlling your life. There's always a better view after a stormy sky. 

Let Go

..of  what the future holds. There is no assurance anyway that we'll have one tomorrow. Live the best of your NOW..where others will see that life exist, life goes on and life will never wait for you. It will evolve whether you like it or not, it will pass you by whether you do something or not. Revere it and don't let it just pass by. Live it NOW.

At the end of the day, who would not want peace of mind? Who would not want genuine happiness? 

Let your soul breathe by letting go. It's the cheapest way of the world.

TGIF!=)

..more than a shot of injection..

I have given the strongest pain reliever ordered for him, but still he kept pressing the intercom button as if it's like a Patient Controlled Analgesia. It's early in the morning, and we just had finished our rounds. The rest of our patients are asleep, enjoying the dark, cold room of which I am envious of having been sleep-deprived for the past nights. The call button from his room I supposed could have been damaged from his unrelenting, impatient call. I cannot divulge the "independent nursing intervention" we did to calm him down which I believe is quite effective considering its psychological benefit. I went to his room, changed his damped hospital gown from ample sweat and well, spoiled him by applying some baby powder just to make him feel that he is being taken care justly. In a few minutes, world peace came back to our ward. 

In my hospital experience as a surgical nurse for how many years now, sometimes I find it difficult to understand the true nature of pain, being the fifth vital sign. What I understand is that there are types of pain that are concealed bearable by sunrise and surface at sunset. I can see it through the eyes of a son wanting his emaciated father to walk again, on a wife's hand on her husband's distended abdomen, wishing the drains are not there, or a patient's blank stares, hoping that he's with his family at the moment. I cannot name names what those pains are but for sure, they exist, they are felt, they are true. 

Oftentimes, because of our own difficulties in life, we overlooked those eyes, those hands, those stares.   I've learned, and I owe it to my profession, that many pains can be cured momentarily by pain killers. It may numb and block the pain receptors in the brain but will never ease the pain in the heart. I've learned that a patient's call of pain does not necessarily a call for a shot of injection. The unrelenting demand, for you to be there in the room and ask you only to turn the television is an occult way to know that someone is there. In a passive way, they just want to be reassured that you understand their pain. That being alone in the room is far more difficult than being incised with anesthesia. As what my patient said, "your smile is an opium, I could get high".

Oh well, I realized that I still have so much to learn in life. And one of those is how to believe if  the patient is telling the truth or not,LOL 

Be an opium to someone else, and be reciprocally get a "high".

Happy August!=)

..never be outdone..

photo credit: Bo Sanchez

Years ago, when I'm still cute (as my mom assured me), I joined the inter-school poster making contest. For how many years that I was joining such kind of contest, it was the first time that my mom was present. I can still remember the preparations I made then: made a draft of the theme the night before the contest, planned for the color scheme I'll be using and even the margin design, prayed over with the pencil I'll be using, laid hands over the materials and everything (can you just imagine?lol). I woke up earlier, wore the well-pressed uniform (it was not prayed-over though) and the confidence that I'll win the contest because mom will be watching and cheering.

While the contest is ongoing, I noticed that the materials I brought with me were not enough. My mother, whose eyes never wander anywhere else but to me alone noticed my uneasiness. Having had realized what was going on, she left and said that she'll be back to bring the materials I'll be needing. Thinking that it was only around 9:00 0'clock in the morning and the stores are still close, I wonder where in the world she'll knock doors. I consumed the time doing my art with the limited materials I had. All the while, my mom's back sweating, still smiling while handling me what I needed. In those moments, I know I'll be losing the chance of topping the contest. Seeing her from afar, still giving me the encouraging look that silently says "Finish your art, that's all that matters. We will go home with you as the winner in my heart".

I believe God is like my mom. He isn't concerned whether we will win the game, and not a big deal if we lose either. Surely, there will be times when we will forget what we really needed. And God, whose eyes never wander elsewhere but to us alone will make a way. We might wonder why He is silent sometimes, it's because He knocks heaven's doors to give all that we needed. In the end of all our struggles, we will realize that it's effortless to win His approval, to win His confidence on us, and ultimately His love. Because it's always there, ever present. What is important for Him is we finish the race, win or lose. We can rest assure that He'll be there, with ever loving eyes saying "You are and will always be a winner in my heart. My love for you can never be outdone".

Dear God,

 Thank you for being my number 1 fan. Remind me always,  disturb my life with Your will and not my own. Help me to finish my race with You as my end. I'll never be able to go through a day thinking of not loving You. In my quiet times, let me ponder how You were always there intervening in all the areas of mylife. I have Your eyes with me, and it's a promise I'll have Your love forever.

I choose to stay near You,

Kim

..Yes, I am=)..

I cannot thank God enough for creating me with so much love from head to foot. It's hot outside, and even the couch I am currently nailed at seemed to have a little share of the temperature. (Oh couch, how can I make you believe that it's the temperature that is hot and not the one occupying your space. But if you insists, then let it be. I'm too blessed to be stressed,LOL)

It's past 1300H when I woke up from a good nap. I started the day with a good bath, one that was longer with the ordinary days. I stayed under the water, letting it wash away the day's impurities. I let my thoughts take a halt for the meantime and just indulge with the warmth running through my skin. Felt much of my family's hug. I lingered to the moment when everything is simply taken away by thank you's. I cannot hear anything but the water trampling down my feet and my heart beating with so much gratitude I could taste my tears. The minutes turned to a time I am oblivious of, yet I exists to the moment when all is simply simple. I emerged from the smoky bathroom and wore my blue-laced dress. Fixing my hair, I happened to had a glimpse of my own image in the mirror. God, I'm 27! The reality sinks in and I, having befriended optimism, embraced the blessing wide arms open.

I'd like to share this very moving words from my patient:

"I came to the hospital and paying quiet good amount because you are here. The nurses visit me every now and then, the doctors check on me everytime. I feel people around me. At home, I'm alone. I have kids but they have their own family to tend. I wanted to stay here because people are here"

How many of us see and not just merely look at the people around us? How many of us hear but would not listen to them? Aware of their presence but would not feel for them? Thank God I don't need to pay to have people by my side!

Today, I am celebrating another fruitful year. No party this time, no loud noises, no headturner's get up. I realized that my relationships with people are far more valuable than anything my money can buy. A lesser attachment to material things and a closer grasps of lingering acts outweighed the happiness I kept within. I wanted to be "where the people are", give myself to mirror the love God has for them and simply love life madly, enormously, without inhibition, but to God's will alone.

I am no millionaire, just living within my means. Someday, if the mad world will ally with me, I would want to be a gorgeous Philanthropist=) Wishes are powerful,LOL

Thank you for filling up my super huge, humongous and healing love tank! I'm 27, yes I am!=)