..life's a train..

We come to faced many of life's crossroads. In my life's hilarious journey, I was once in a dilemma to take one road over the other. To choose between the one I am familiar with or the other one I haven't been to. Fear is the most difficult obstacle. It can derailed you in an instant and hinders you to go on.

November 16, 2009. It's been 2 years since I took courage to traverse the road that never had occurred in my million thinking. I stepped inside the train of life called Journey bound to a destination I never once imagined to be this beautiful. There's no turning back as the machine started to give a hint that I am on my way to another place, another time, another experiences, another memories.

The train stopped. I dropped off my fear, entrusted my fate to my Lover knowing that I'll be safe with His guidance, having His Love as my ultimate light. I came to met my family away from my own dear family. Homesickness, I understand is another obstacle I came to struggle with. But the passing of days taught me to become more stronger, persevering in serving our patients, carrying love everywhere, compassion to aid in my difficulties, prayer to boost my determination, and seeing God  anywhere knowing that He never left eversince I decided to take a major turning point in my career. The blessings kept pouring until to this writing. They say you can never go to where you will be without having to look back on your history. Here are some of the photos I found as I went back down the memory lane: 

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Our first party attended after stepping foot on the barren land. Is wasn't that barren afterall=) 

This our very first New Year away from our family. As I remember it vividly, there was no plan of celebration since we were still establishing rapport with each other. But then again, we might really be destined to celebrate life with joy. This was the start of everything..the rest, is a happy history=)

Celebrated our first 6th monthsary. We are happy people, especially in front of the dining table!!!

Our first flat 8 family portrait. We are indeed camera-shy type so to say,LOL. This was taken on my 1st birthday here in the East.

Yayo and Feda's Ranch Party. I told you, we are shy-type people=)

Hahaha I am speechless. Maybe because this is a "bangag-ers" photo. celebrated Chen and Britt's controversial "off-limits" party!! censored photos are available but to protect our dignity, be satisfied with the above photo, LOL

Find it hard to look for a photo where our eyes are normal in color. But since DSLR did not exist yet in our flat during that days, please bear with me as I share to you the 10-10-10 birthday celebration of Madel and Ate Maricar in black and red motif. 

Winter is definitely here as we had our first rooftop experience in line with Marj and Pip's winter party celebration. 

Ended the year 2010 with so much improvements in flat 8. Decorated the flat for Christmas celebration. Though we did not won the prize for the best flat contest, we have the best memories for the year 2010--the stronger friendship and bonding!

Welcoming another year of celebration as Carla turned 26! It's a Holsten night! No "bangags" this time!=) This was Feda's last party attended since she flew back home in early February.

Ehem..it's not full-moon. In tagalog, hindi "kabilugan ng buwan",LOL Celebrated Marj Uy's birthday with our first DSLR shots! Improving=)

No plans and theme for Shine's birthday party. But we always find ways. Spent her birthday with simple dinner and rooftop memories thereafter. Who said it wasn't celebrated afterall?=)

 

The past years were a tremendous blessings! Looking back, I could have think twice of pursuing such an unpredictable journey. I could have backed out and let the train go on its journey. Looking at the present, I'm sure it was not a mistake I had given it a try. To my flatmates, we are down on our last year. I can already hear life's train machine starting to jump-start for the next journey. I don't know where will be the next stop, if we will still be together in that travel, or if we will ever rub elbows again. I'm just thankful that during one of my life's stopover, I've come to know you all, made memories in my life's map; something I could have not known should I let fear conquered me 2 years ago. I love you guys. We'll continue the journey. May we meet or not in the next stop, I don't know. Life's full of unpredictable twists and turns. Life's like a train. It will have a stopover. And in my life's journey, you are all of of those many beautiful stopovers! I love you Flat 8! Happy Anniversary! =)

..she's more than a sister..

Photo credit to Lee's Photography

My sweetie pie,

How time flies. It's been another 365 days since I wrote my first love letter for you. And it has been twice the 365 days I'm missing you. As I look back down the memory lane, I cannot helped but smile at how we were able to surmount life's enumerable storms.  You and me back to back, one strong shoulder for the one who's feeble. One's source of strength when the other is at verge of losing hope. If I can compare our relationship, we are like the opposite ends of a seesaw, and God is our lever. Your weight on the other end of the pole is not a burden for me just as mine was never to yours. There were times when God allowed us some downfalls. But that's why He created a seesaw with opposite poles so that when the other is down, the opposite would aid the other to meet halfway to a balance. And it is never impossible since God is at the center of it.

I am so humbled of how we emerged better souls after all the blows. On your 25th, there is nothing less I can wish for you. We have gone through way ahead of  the whips and cords of  life. Expect that it will occur once in a while. What's important is for us to use those scars to heal other's wounds. And expect that I will just be on the other end. I may not be so strong to lift you up everytime but never be afraid when you are down. Never lose nerve to undergo downfalls because that's what made us to what we are now and to where we will be in the future.You can always rest assured that I am just on the other end seeing you through, pulling you through, loving you all the way up and all the way down.

Someday, when the 365 days will turn to a 60th or the 70th times, I will still look forward that there will be you and me holding hand in hand in our golden wheelchair. We'll both watch our own family growing in love for others and most especially, serving and loving our Lord. If someone will ask if we are sisters, I will deny it. Because you are not just a sister. You are more than that to me.

I love you so much Robz, and I would not have chosen life any other way. Happy birthday my other pole!

Love,

Manang

..of shooting stars..

For the past days, I have a repeated prayer. You know the feeling of  anticipation? That something wonderful is about to come? Is it hope? Or the universe really knows how to conspire? 

When I was a kid and the moon's bright, I love going out of the house and just watched the peaceful sky. They say that when you see a falling star and make a wish, it will be granted. I'm a type of person who would believe in what I see, but on the discreet side, I'm also a hopeless romantic. I'm a sucker of romance and happy endings. I believe in fairy tales and prince charmings. I even believe that shooting stars have extended ears for wishes. In my journey of love so far, I never missed out to say my wishes on shooting stars. Some of them are for the people that I love. Some are for the highest good. Rarely I wished for my personal profit. But then as I said, I recently felt the "anticipation" of something wonderful. One night as I lay my tired body in bed, I looked up to the ceiling of our room. The dimmed light added a feeling of nostalgia. I don't know how to start my prayer. The feeling is intense. Tears are already starting to fill the edges of my eyes. And it fell before I knew it. I know I wasn't able to utter words but I already said the prayer. And it was genuine, it was real. On the night that followed, we had a picnic under the blanket of clear sky at the rooftop. On a windy evening, I saw the shooting star painting the sky gracefully. I said my silent wish, this time for myself. As it speedily culminated to nowhere, hope shines my heart... As it always does.

An excerpt from my note entitled "Solitary Star"..

....I'll be a solitary star for the meantime. I know someone out there is seeing the light coming from my a not-so-starry-starry-world. I know you are in search for me and be glad to know that I  am patiently waiting..for the right time will come we'll together build our own starry starry world=).....

Sweet November!=)

..coded black..

Very severe smoke inhalation. That was my case. Ashes and burns covered all over my face. I was lying on the ground, taking the remaining oxygen the earth has provided for me. My lungs are on the verge of collapsing. I was given oxygen via face mask. I inhaled to the deepest breath I can, making sure that it reaches my every alveoli. I heard the ambulance nearing my location. They mounted me up on the stretcher and hurriedly took me to the Emergency Room. I am nearing to my final destination. The clutters and chatters of bystanders and the attending doctors upon my arrival I clearly heard. They put a name tag around my wrist. I  felt the hand opening my eye  to see if my pupil's responding to light. A stethoscope was also placed over my chest, just to confirm that he had made the right assessment. In an ordinary  busy hospital day, in a moment I readied  myself for ,I heard the final diagnosis: Pupil dilated, no heartbeat. Declared arrested.  They put a black bandage around my arm, covered me with white cloth and pushed me to the empty room. In a cold hospital lobby miles away from the people I love, when half of the world is busy with their lives, there I laid lifeless. And in  few minutes that I waited, I heard the voice saying--External Disaster Drill culminated.

This is one of our hospital's enumerable activities in preparation for the accreditation. I was chosen to participate in the drill, I just never expected to be given the role of playing someone who died. So that's how it felt to be coded black, or dead. Though it was only a drill, I still felt my tummy turning back and forth as if today's gonna be my last show on the face of the earth. Steve Job could have been right when he said that dying is a potent change-agent. If you know the end of your time, you'll do the best that you can to LIVE. After the drill, I thanked God for the chance to experience how it is to die. Now I know.=)

..how can I not believe?..

It's been another week of memories. Sometimes, I just wanted to be in my second place most often to hasten the days. Yes it's really tiring being a nurse. But so far, it's one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. God really knows how to keep me going. Even in my desert days, He never failed to send me oases.

My shift's about to end last Tuesday. My patient who happened to be an Indian nationality is for discharge. He was transferred to our ward because of trauma accident in the site of his job. Unluckily, his insurance was disapproved. In short, he has to pay the entire hospital bill in gold cash. He was summoned by the manager on duty. I was inside of his room and heard all the words no one wanted to hear. None of  his facial expressions escaped from my gaze. For someone who's also a foreigner, I feel for him. For someone who had been there in his situation is like seeing the memories on rewind mode. It's hard for us nurses to witness such a scene. We can care for our patients' need no matter how hard they are to be meet but when it comes to matters like this, we can barely witness. Or so I thought.

I went out of his room with the picture of what had happened illustrated in my mind. That's  the difficult part when you are bound to sympathize because you can't get away of the need to do something. And a voice inside me says I need to do something. I don't know how but I went back to his room. I asked for the amount  he's oblige to pay and though I'm not a mathematician, it costs almost half of my year's salary. I again felt the heaviness as I saw his tears started to well his eyelids. "My boss is hard to dwell with when it comes to money matters", he said as I interrogated him of the possible source of help. I suggested if he can ask help from our insurance approval section who happened to be an Indian nationality. And if they can provide the police report the manager is asking from them so he can be free from paying cash. "There is a medical report but it would be available tomorrow for stamping". Then it's another additional payment should he cannot discharge today. I really wanted to lay my hands over him and say a prayer, but as touching him might convey a different meaning, I closed my hands together and say my silent prayer. I believe it was such a pure intention, that He will provide means in an impossible situation. I went out of the room again and continue my other obligation. In a matter of I guess 15-20 minutes, my patient's relative handed to us the clearance! It was not clear to me how that happened. We were just talking of their dilemma and there it was, the paper clearing them of financial burdens!

We were not able to talk again before they left but as they wave their hands goodbye, I knew it was and only Him who did the impossible possible.

I left my second place, the hospital smell, with overwhelming joy. God indeed, is the best specialist of "Impossible". This is a blessed week,. I just love being a nurse!

"How can you not believe Kim?"-God

..a candle intended for me is intended for you, too..

Photo credit to Saleh

The moon lights the clear sky with few twinkling stars. I can feel the wind now subsided from emanating humid touch on my face. It's such a perfect night on the rooftop, the citywide is immersed with glowing lights from households and streetlamps. I took sometime taking shots of the quiet city from where I stand. Since it's my friend's 28th birthday, we brought with us two bottles of drinks. I said my birthday wish for her that went like: "Lord, I hope You will entrust him to me . But since my friend is now celebrating her 28th, I'd rather wish you grant her the boyfriend she's asking before You grant mine=) And the moon knew our silly laughs and jovial wish!

The past days were a bit of toil for me. Not because I have major issues in my personal life but because the people I love has. I always look at the sunset with the optimism of the rising sun. Everything that the day brings commence at sunset-the toxic duty, irate patients and their relatives, demanding doctors and sometimes, uncooperative work mates. But you cannot stop the sun from rising at the East-and this comes with my hope that the people I cared for will see what I'm seeing at the dawning of sunset. 

Though I have my own things to ponder upon, I cannot just be naive. I cannot act as if I do not care because it's hard to pretend that you don't. Then the others' weight become yours too. And you become dense, the magic "sponge" becomes soaked. Don't get me wrong but I love to listen, I love to impart what I have in anyway it can go along, I love to be on somebody's shoe and be part of their own walk. But at times, there are moments that you wanted to try to fix it all and you get weary realizing that you are not the Genie in the bottle. 

My secret way to get through is to ask. I often ask favor. I often ask someone to visit a church and light a candle for me as my alibi. Then out of pity for me, or let's just say subtle emotional manipulation (haha), I would receive an affirming answer. It's then I would start my secret job (which is not a secret anymore) to utter my prayers, hoping that the light emanating from the candle will aid the hand that eagerly lit it. That in every melting wax comes with it the melting of the pain they bear. There would be some of you who are now in such an inevitable situation of pain. And as of this writing, I too is feeling that pain for such a dearest friend. Whatever situation you might be undergoing now or struggling to overcome, remember this short story of Aladdin and the magic lamp shared to me by my spiritual mentor:

Aladdin discovered a dirty lamp. He then, without any second thought rubbed the lamp and the magic happened. The rest is history...But why did Aladdin rubbed the lamp in the first place? Because it was dirty.

We are the lamp. And we are all dirty.

And because we are dirty, God will never give up rubbing us until that magic happens. Yes, it would absolutely hurt. You will feel every pressure, mourn on every friction. But God will never leave you undone, until you are being cleaned up..until the magic happens.

Can you do me a favor? Please light a candle for me=)

..inspired by Red..

Have you ever experienced dragging your feet off  from bed and finding anything to keep you going? I happened to read an article way back 2 years ago. It was about someone who is undergoing an emotional ordeal. Basing on the tone of his ink, he was running from his love ones on the fear of rejection. It's as if he wanted to "pay" the sins he didn't specified by running away..By cleansing his soul, he imposed self-punishment. He turned away from the people he loves and who loves him. These lines hit me the most.."With tears in my eyes, I've fallen asleep. I woke up the next day, and I knew I was never alone".. I re-read his story over and over again, feeling his own pain and desolation. I understand his own idea of running away to keep himself and the people around him from hurting. Whenever I'm feeling the weight of the world about to touch my shoulders, I always remember his lines. Human as I am, bumibigay din ako minsan..

Today, I happened to read again another article from him. It is very comforting knowing that I found a hint that he's on his way of healing from whatever wounds he used to run away from. Let me share to you his article I received just today:

His waking moments are filled with thoughts that bring the morning to a standstill. The sun has barely touched the corners of his room, yet his heart already looks for the moon’s soft glow. For this man, each day has become marked with wisps of silent struggles between laughter and tears, of strength and weakness, of hope and despair. His soul  and happiness is locked inside the gridiron battle between reason and emotion impervious to those around him.

The heart longs for another's presence who once shared its space; yet, to place one's meaning and happiness on another person does not only invite longing and pertubrbation, but also creates a void.

And for the man who is trapped in the invisible battle of reason and emotion, true peace and joy can only come when one surrenders to the healing love of Jesus Christ.

 

Hi Red,

 

Thank you for touching my heart again by the story of your pains and your healing. I will never forget those lines. And just to inform you that I remember you upon seeing sunrise.

 

 

.. My October sets out brightly inspired! and for now, I will sleep soundly tonight..=)