..dark dawn, bright day..

Since falling asleep is as elusive as sauntering the peaceful shore of my dream beach (wish my waistline is 24 by then), I'm able to make some rumblings here in my hideout. With the unforgiving schedule I have for the past days, it's easier to whine and grumble for the things that are preventing me to have a peaceful sleep. I have a distorted routine: from my prayer time to maximizing the opportunity I'm still with my flat 8 family. Even my scheduled off was totally turned to working days and I could not do anything less than to sigh. There were days I remember that I've been praying fervently for God to send me reasons to keep my enthusiasm despite the grueling, arduous days. And for the many times I've fallen asleep while praying. The days I'm missing my family back home, the freedom I used to enjoy from dust till dawn, the comfort from being taken care of, and the many things I wanted to do alone. And while all the bumps are heading my way, I cannot shy away the endless providence I get to receive. It's hard for me not to notice them since they are the very language of God comforting me, leading me to trust in Him all the more, keeping my belief that being pushed to do things outside of your comfort zone is perhaps God's training ground in making me a better person.  

Because of some inevitable happenings in our ward and all the changes of our schedule, I was forced to  go on an unconventional number of duty days. Yesterday was the last day prior to my long-awaited off. Whenever I looked at the corners of the ward, I can imagine my bed and big pillows waving a  crunchy "hello", seductively lowering my defenses against being awake and empowering me with the thought that I should have been in my room, rubbing elbows with prince charming in my dream. 

Started my day shift with an emergency operation and with the first day of holiday here in the East made me feel like a newborn child grasping for whatever help there is to keep me alive. And because the patient is also a Filipino nationality (I've tried being impartial), it pressured me all the more to have him operated at once. I can't afford to call for a Code Blue (emergency call for patients who went flatline) without my seniors around, not under my watch. I don't know how we did it having only 3 staffs on duty but we were so happy when the Surgeon came to us just after the procedure and said that our "Kabayan" is bleed-free. I'm usually moved by small gestures of  my patients getting well but in times when you are lazy to go to work and things like this happens, it's a big gesture of God working through your "dark dawn". That same day, I was able to have some good bonding with my cancer patient. Looking through his jaundice (yellowish) eyes, I wonder how he knew my name since I'm not fond of introducing my name which is supposed to be a must on first-hand patient contact (I envy nurses who do this). For the many times he said "thank you Kim" to me, yesterday was the crispiest. Maybe because I'm not in a hurry, maybe because yesterday was a day destined for me not only to hear but  to listen to my patient's thank you. Yesterday was a day for me to realized that Nothing Just Happens, as what Bo Sanchez said. Yes, it's my dark dawn going to duty when you anticipated it to be your rest day, but true enough that it was written that I should be on duty yesterday. God doesn't want me to be absent, He wants me to be in the front row so He can teach me another set of lessons in life. And He chose to have it done in the hospital, my Second Place. In time I consider it as dark dawn, God flipped the events and gave me my bright day. Indeed, the things we need to learn in life are just outside our comfort zones!

Are you having dark dawns in your life now? Congratulations! God is holding you a lesson, in a place  of your inconvenience, in a manner that is incongruent of your choices. He is turning your dark dawn to a brighter day. More than you could ever think of! 

Bright Sunday to all! God is Amazing!=)

..Where Do I Begin?: A Question of Pursuit..

Where do I begin? I've been humming this familiar song today while I'm on duty and the call bell from every corner of the station kept pressing it seemed like I'm having a background orchestra. I didn't give in to the fear that nature will rise against my golden voice (ahem) which is very fitting to the concert room I called bathroom. I have been quite a disturbed soul for days that one of the safe ways (if I may say so) is to disperse the "humid air" by humming it away. Life's  a bit of  a joke sometimes. Just when you are ready to saunter a certain road, it seems like another way emerged from a distance. The question now is which road to head? Fear is smirking somewhere between hope and failure, between familiarity and unknown, between comfort zone and courage zone. There are many opinionated people saying what's best for you and that you should do this and you should do that. Where to begin??

My only sister Robz is currently working in a company but I don't understand for what other reasons that she applied to another company. Since she has a good background of working experience as a Software Engineer, being hired was a breeze. I was happy for her since she asked me to pray for it and it was granted. One day, she messaged me and said that she turned down the offer: travel privileges and salary that is enticing enough to leave the job she was at least happy serving at. I feel astounded and drowsy reading her message. I cannot understand though I read it twice until it dawned on me the word "passion". She's been serving the kids every Saturday in He Cares foundation, feeding them and giving them not only a bath but the love they cannot get from the streets. For that of which she finds most joy and fulfillment. Her passion in serving other people is the main reason of her turning down the job that could give her material joy but not inner peace. And because God crowns your efforts double when you choose to serve Him first, my sister was transferred to the main company weeks after and was promoted as Senior Technical Consultant. And she's only 25! There are things indeed that drives us crazy. Choices that will test our capacity to choose  and it's not always easy because it entails giving up: your comfort,  your convenience, your safe haven.

Clarity is what I've been praying for fervently everyday. I believe in Divine Intervention, it's the best compass of all time. No matter how well-arranged your plans are, it will be blown away in a snap when it is not in accordance to His will. And what is His will for me? I go back to the deepest want of my heart. To where I can find inner peace, hope despite the possibilities of failure, of honing the gifts I was blessed with, and the fulfillment in living out my passion. It may not necessarily bring you material fulfillment, but who said you can take anything with you when your time-glass drains empty?

Let me pose this cracking question if you are, like me, in a dilemma between two choices:

If you are on your deathbed, what would you lose in exchange for something you can keep?

The things you can afford to bargain are the things you can let go. What will be left are what will you carry to the next life, figuratively.

Pursue the things that make you feel most alive. Begin and ends where your heart beats stronger.
Happy Mid-week!=)

..of second chance..

The nuisance of my schedule is giving me a drive for a day where I can sit on a corner on untamed hair and elevated legs. I've been thinking to make a post but I needed to wait for my subject's consent to share her story. I have an ardent urge to write it down since I, too, is familiar with the noun "chance". What will you do if the wishing star heard your cry, and grant you a second chance in life?

I met Karen few months back. Young, sweet and the only child in the family, I wonder what prompted her to leave her comfort zone and trudge the unknown. Courage, I smiled alone remembering my own reasons why I opted to have my journey. There was one occasion when she joined us in the rooftop one laidback night. I learned that behind the young and sweet face is a warrior's heart. A child from within forced to fight a tough battle for her beloved sick mother, and mending a derailed relationship with her father. Someone whose trust was tested by betrayal and deception, of a daughter's love contoured by distance and once in a while hello, of strength to be emulated after sometime of feebleness, of faith  that endures amidst confusions and questions. Despite of these, she remained composed and in good faith. The stars that night might have been listening to our sharing, though they were hideously been cast on the peaceful sky.

It was last week when an event happened not only to test her strength but her ability to remain good-hearted in times of great testing. He had a cerebrovascular attack or stroke. She needed to travel to his place, give up her week of work and be with the man he called Papa. I remember the noun "chance" upon learning her situation. I sent her a message, reassuring her that we are here for her and that there must be a reason why she was brought by fate in this place, in a timely moment. It must have been a time for her to talk with him, even if he cannot respond consciously, to say the words of forgiveness even if silence is his response, to patch things up even in the bed of ICU. Is there really a right place for a chance to take place? Should it be well-planned before we recognize that it is happening? My wish of better days for her and of grabbing that second chance while it is still there. You can never trust the beat of your heart. It might cease anytime. I'll be praying for that second chance.

I have known an ample stories to tell. Stories that you might find difficult to believe not until the second chance took place. A friend of mine got pregnant at a time when we are about to graduate from college. Being the eldest and the only girl in the family and the boyfriend is apparently not welcomed by her parents, she took the path of being a single mom. In pursuit of giving the best for the child, she continued her education and finally had her diploma. It was then she met the man who accepted her past, married her and currently enjoying a life outside the country. Or a story of a well-off  blacksheep -in-the-family friend, jumping from one relationship to another, a substance dependent and considered an outcast in her family whose now a full-pledge nurse after years of going back to college. Obviously, in God's economy, nothing goes to waste. He makes all things new, especially those of which the world considers a hopeless case=)

Second chance....I believe all of us are given this opportunity. We fall, we lose, we break, we make, we cry, but we hope again. Because human was made out of the heart of the One who is generous for a second chance, a third chance, and another more chances. He will not give up on you, even how many chances it will take.

Got your second chance? How do you take good care of it?

  

..loved, even at closed eyes..

Time flies fast another page in the calendar was torn. It's definitely October!=) I can't find better way to welcome another month but just to be thankful for all the provisions that I am effortlessly and benevolently receiving from my beloved God. Life is such a funny theater. When the curtains are draw and the lights are on, expect that drama, comedy, and romance rub elbows in a congruently unscripted life. We embrace each in  a certain degree and face each level squarely. At the end of the day, it's not how well we performed or how perfect we delivered our lines. It's all about obedience to your God as your director: to love instinctively,  to give willingly, and to live a life reflecting His heart. When the curtains are closed and the lights are starting to dim, there He will be at the front row sitting, looking at you tenderly, saying "I'm proud of you no matter what!"

As we drove home from the grocery store, I was tired of the day's activities that I happened to lean on my seatmate's shoulder and fell asleep. I realized that no matter what those things that are tiring us and weighing us down, we can quietly lean on God's shoulder. In silence of our hearts, let us be warmed by His unchanging love that is unfathomable to grasp. For anyone around you can hurt you unexpectedly,  can disappointment you big time and can drive your own peace and happiness away. Close your eyes, do not be afraid of the darkness that you see. Trust that even in those closed eyes, a Father's open heart can safely bring you back home unscathed. 

I have my own burdens to carry without anyone knowing. I keep my peace knowing that I am not alone, that my battle has long been won at the Cross. I have the day for my lips to utter those "thank you" instead of "why", and oftentimes, I caught myself  teary-eyed for such an overwhelming pour of supplications. I don't know what else to say, but I know there's a reason for the so much love I have in my heart. I will surely give back to the world what I was endowed with. I hope my own "thank you" will reach at your door steps.

If you could live another day today, how would you let the world know that you are blessed?

..and how would you bless the world?=)