..this side of heaven..

It's one of those days when I just want to feel sheltered from the enumerable drafts of life. That's the hard part when everything seems to be alright, you look for driving force to stay up and afloat. 

I pushed the door and settled myself in my favorite corner. As usual, I'm the luckiest girl being there alone and savoring the sultry side of being single. I've been thinking of making a post, but I was not able to bring with me my laptop. I ordered my usual favorite drink and lazily sat on those comfy sanctum. It's a big relief and surely became my habit to spend afternoons with myself. It seemed like nothing's wrong in the world, and that it is incapable of throwing injustices to gentle souls. I was not born a pious person, nor my little acts of piety save me from those moments when I become vulnerable to what I call "fits" of melancholia. "Dry your tears" said by my Indian friend when I came to her and said that I don't feel good when I woke up that day and unknowingly, tears are falling from my eyes. I can't even give a ring to my mom to avoidfrom giving her some things to worry about. As what I can reiterate, it's not always good when life gives you everything that you needed.

I asked for a paper and a pen from the guy in the counter, I tried to write some notes but I decided to be still and just enjoy the moment of doing nothing. I left the coffee shop and went inside the nearby store. I had a cone of vanilla icecream and chocolate chip cookie. Extra calories to brighten my day. I continued reading the book I can't finish for weeks due to some shifts of schedule. "Why bad things happen to good people?" If I have not known the author, I might say he had read my second year anniversary blog with the same question.=) 

The heaviness I felt was somehow relieved. I am not the type of person who would wallow in those moments of "fits". I have my ways to shake things off and call it a day no matter what. Even if it means spending time alone, or reading a good book while licking some vanilla icecream, or riding the bus with chocolate chip cookie. I reached my phone the moment I came home and called the person whose laughs shrugged off the weights of the world I felt in my heart. Can I ask you something?  "Are you going to get married?" she pre-empted on the other line and I can imagine her shining eyes. In the years to come, my subtle answer. I want to ask you something. "So you're getting married", she persisted. The line was cut off due to a poor signal. I phoned her again and asked, "Ma, how do you keep your being happy?" She was silent for the moment, and I'm holding back my tears for I knew I made her think that something is wrong with me. "I watch derby cocks". And I get a good laugh despite my crying spells. I told her that I'm serious and she said, "As long as you are happy, your sister is happy, everything is alright with me". That's it? "Yes, that's it. And come home".

I still have so much to learn when it comes to embracing the small graces in life. Even when things come to worst, the going gets tough, the tough gets going and the wind whirls up in an untimely manner, I cannot hate anything about life. For even in the darkest part of this world, in the most hurting situations and unwanted circumstances, God has always a way of showing us this side of heaven. My mom showed it to me.=)

..frog's bones taught me to pray..

It was a summer, and I was then a freshmen student. While others are enjoying the sun, I am on the other hand swimming...among the notes and handouts of my Zoology class (that branch of Biology that deals with animals). I am not a tea-lover, but eversince I started jotting down notes about embryology and classification of what-he-said-about-that-fungi thing, my Auntie was happy that tea bags in the kitchen were consumed before the expiry date. I reminded myself that the Theory of Evolution is important in tracing the human development but I object with Charles Darwin whenever I look at myself at the mirror while stretching my arms to get some break. Apes can't do that, right? I mean, appreciating one's worth?haha And so the days went by with going to the class and smelling the formaldehyde from the cadaver just beside your table with scattered bones displayed around just to remind me that indeed, I am enrolled in a nursing school. I'm just wondering why I need to catch some slimy frogs and bring them to school while taking care not to let one jump out from the bottle in every brake of the public utility vehicle I'm riding in and at the end of the day, careful to learn how to make a cut on its chest with a scalpel and watching its lungs inflate right at your very eyes. Poor kero keroppi.

The bell rang which signaled that we should form a line for the practical test. I fall in line at the very front, since my cute teacher said it will be a random call anyway. I'm counting with my fingers the number of hours I'll sleep in luxury after all the "swimming" without water when my name was called-first. So that was a random....act of torture. "Arrange the frog bones in 2 minutes according to its anatomy. The whole class will get 10 points each to the total score if you can perfect the structure", my cute teacher told me. Ah, so this is a subtle type of emotional manipulation. And it was one moment I realized that my teacher was not that really cute at all. I moved forward, gave him my paper while my hands are sweating. I can hear some cheer from my back and to tell you, I can faint anytime by then. My 2 minutes started, and my hands are confused whether I'm holding the frog's lower limbs or upper limbs. How can I be sure when I do not use frog bones as my stuff toy. So I arranged, and re-arranged. The last piece I'm holding will determine if it's a make or break. I put the last part before my time is up, and surrender everything to faith.

I went out of the class and sat at the swing near the large mango tree at the parking lot. I remember my classmates who are still inside the torture room, making the most of their very best to earn the hard-to-get grades. I feel less tensed as the swing paced in rhythm. I grabbed the rosary in my pocket, and said the prayer under the shade of the mango tree. I don't know if my best was enough, but the only thing I asked was that all of us will pass the terror age of Zoology class. Afterall, no one wants to catch frogs and bring them to school..all over again. I waited for my friends, and my smile won't fade away when I was told that we all got a plus 10 points each. 

Faith has wings. Oftentimes, it is sharpened by prayer. Mine, at one point, was impelled by frog's bones. It taught me to pray-harder.=)

Be a F.R.O.G.--> Fully Rely On God. 

..spell out a morning dream..

.."stay wherever you are at the moment, learn the lessons you need as much as you can, carry them in your heart..then you can go"..

I woke up confused from roughly 4 hours of sleep. My hands are aching probably because I've been in a constant position all throughout my dream-filled sleep. I looked at the clock and compared it to the time in my phone. The dim light from my bedside table affirmed that it is still dawn. I remained laidback for the moment, said my brief morning prayer and kissed the rosary I was holding since the night I went to bed. There are moments indeed that in an instant rush of seconds, everything feels in place, your heart is beating the right rhythm, and life is such a beautiful gift worth celebrating for. I went to the kitchen, my hair lay unfixed and pace in a manner  when I feel that my love tank's been delightfully refilled. I made a cup of hot choco , sat on the couch with legs elevated and savored the goodness of life. I recalled the dream I had earlier, though I cannot see exactly whom I have a good conversation with. Though my memory is a bit tainted sometimes, I can deliberately remember the words that conjured in that dream.

.."stay wherever you are at the moment".. 

People have this manufacturing business they are not aware of. They manufacture complains. They manufacture what is wrong in their lives. In return, they produce whining consumers. That's what happens when you overlook the present and overly worried of the future. Many years back, I decided to get out of my comfort zone. I don't know where life and my decisions would lead me since I'm already waiting for my dream US visa at that time. My mom can't understand why I need to leave all that and seek another road, an entry level again. Looking back while I'm savoring my cup of hot drink, I know that certain things need to take place, because those experiences are like dots. They need to be there so I can be able to connect with the trail. I met people, learned another language, understand how to read gestures, get closer to the real realm of life when it seemed to be falling apart. I get to love myself more, love the people I left behind and love the faith that I can't survive without. I feel God has never been this close to me when I was far away from my comfort zone. And miracles happened when I stayed where He planted me at the moment. I build stronger relationship with my family, appreciate the profession I fell inlove with and the daily experiences of being a friend, a nurse, a subordinate, a person He wanted me to be. I may not be enjoying the summer in Seattle, but my "now" feels a greener pasture. And the best is yet to come. Cheers to the present moment!

.."learn the lessons you need as much as you can"..

When our water heater malfunctioned, I was prompted to use the pail to obtain hot water from our kitchen's faucet. Everyday that I went on day shift duty, the scene would be like this. And it's the height of winter for how many weeks. Imagine the muscles I earned for doing such. Since I am using a pail and  a dipper in taking a bath, I need to get used of bending down every now and then. This took sometime, and I get accustomed to doing the routine that when winter subsided, I still wake up and would go to the kitchen and enjoy bathing with the pail and dipper. One day, while I'm doing my laundry, I was asked why I'm not gaining tummy waves despite of my appetite. I just smiled remembering my daily exercise of bending now and then when our heater was way too far of doing its job. 

In life, we will experience many "malfunctioned heater" if that would be a good analogy. We will be prompted to do things we were not used to do. We will be asked to learn new things that are not our cup of tea. If you are fixated of the misfortunes of the moment, you will only see the downsides of the situation. Stretch a muscle, defy routines and learn new skills. Improve your net worth by learning to adapt with those malfunctions. If life would be all good and sunny, we become mediocre. We will exist in complacency. If you are having troubles now, thank God for it. Embrace it if you can. He is allowing you to see some good shape and curves in life=)

.."carry them in your heart"..

I am an enthusiastic traveler and I enjoy long hours of trip. I remember my first plane ride. I arranged my baggage that night and my mom, being a stage-mother sometimes keeps on nagging me not to bring what is unnecessary . So I unpacked. Then packed again. Because I do not know what are those unnecessary. It seemed to me that what are in my baggage are all important. I arrived early in the airport. Then when weighing time comes, I turned my back to my mom as if saying, "I should have listened". So there I was, removing things in the middle of the crowd. And handsome guys are around, nyay.

What do you carry in your heart? Are they all necessary? It's hard to go on a long travel with excess baggage. You'll just be overly concerned of the weight and not the wondrous things that travel entails. Unpack your baggage, binned the ones that hinders you of becoming a loving person. And chose what you carry in your heart. 

.."then you can go"..

"To where Lord are you taking me? Teach me how to hear Your voice, that I may dream Your dream for me." This is my melancholic prayer while I am indecisive to sign a new contract. It's consuming me that I feel like I do not already know what I really what in my life. It seemed that my emotional agony has been heard when my supervisor talked to me. I listened intently of the pro's and con's. Then heard her finale words, "after this, then you can go". And sure thing, I felt at peace. I do not need to be alone to hear God's voice. Sometimes, the message is sent in different forms. I said earlier that our experiences in life are like dots. They are scattered everywhere in a clean sheet of wide paper board. We cannot understand the picture while the dots stand there alone, unattached. Recently, I was able to understand my another dot in life. When it feels like a trail is being solved, a picture is being formed. I don't want to pre-empt anything, but I believed in God's set times. I trust in them, just as I trust the many dots that are yet to be connected in His perfect time. By then, I can go with all these great things I carry in my heart. And share it to another set of souls. 

Life is good when you believe it is. Happy weekend!=)

..oranges and self-emptying..

"I am decided. I'll do it all the way." And because of that, I lost 2 kg. Nah, I love the stretch of your imagination but don't get me wrong. I've been on a fruit juice diet the past Lenten season, no rice, no meat. I'm a health buff, but I'm not on a rigorous self-deprivation just to get the figure. Eversince I was born a Catholic, I'm always a failure to do Kenosis or self-emptying. I'm a type of always on the go, restless but ironically, a fanatic of solitude. For the record, it's my first time to observe a week of fasting and penance. Fasting from all the things that usually robs my peace and time for the greater ones that deserve my attention. Morning and evening, I would go to the kitchen and patiently took time slicing oranges and making my own fruit juice, my source of energy while work is impossible to dismiss from my array of tasks. After sometime, I would feel some jitters as my tummy starts to protest for solid foods. So, this is how hungry kids from the streets feel when they would go to sleep without nothing. It takes a strong determination to shut my eyes when the roasted chicken was served at our pantry, not to mention the fried rice. So, this might be the feeling when you eat and then someone would stare at you from the outside, wishing that you will not consume the whole meal so that they can get a share out of it. It was a dreary start to be honest, and temptation is always somewhere peeking in every corners. The only thing that keeps me pacing is the thought that if I cannot deny myself of the basics, how can I give myself to God and allow Him to fill me. Being "hungry" taught me to depend more on God's provision. It sharpened my trust, led me to know what it is to be poor, not only with things that keep my body going, but with what I need to keep my spirit alive. Solitude from self-emptying magnified my blessings, belittle my doubts, deepened my relationship, provided me an ample time for prayer and thanksgiving--something I overlooked from a busy career.  

Losing some weight is a reversible problem. It's nothing compared to what I gained. Knowing that despite of who we are, what we have done and what we have failed to do, there's just One Man willing to go through hell just to give us heaven. True love is not a hearsay. True love lives. He lives.

..when birds bowed down ..

Photo Credit to I Heart It

How do you begin to sum up a life?...

I sat and laid my keys on the cloistered coffee shop. I chose that time of the day to eschew noise from the other customers. I woke up with dwindling enthusiasm (yeah, optimist do have that). My confidante knows why. I sat as usual to the corner near the glass pane where I can see the leaves swaying and  birds keenly looking for feeds on the grass. They would fly then back to the ground then fly again. Why birds are like that? They have wings to search but they keep coming on the level ground. Humble act. They were orchestrated to bow down no matter how high they fly. Or else, they won't survive. My order arrived and I was distracted from that thought. I opened my Kindle and continued reading a newly downloaded book from my sister.  How do you begin to sum up a life? This was the question that added to my feeling of nostalgia. I put it back to the table, careful not to spill a drop of hot choco that I was stirring relentlessly as I cannot shake off the lines that provoked such powerful emotion. I grabbed the fork and knife and started slicing the cheese croissant that was served hot, fresh from microwave. I was about to drew the first bite when the passerby smiled. That's the only disadvantage of sitting on a transparent corner. You get distracted, or you become the source of distraction. I took the sip of hot choco and look at the man on the counter. His good understanding of English prompted me to try throwing the question at him. I repulsed with the second thought that he might think  I'm out of my mind (without noticing the existing injury to my brain cells) and drive me out to my comfy space. I instead bit my lips, keeping in mind that I am living in a city that knows no democracy and public relation of opposite sex is a gross disobedience in the rule of thumb. Another customer came in and made his order (eavesdropping's an easy task when you monopolize the space). That was the time I formulated how to begin a conversation. He started operating the machine grinding the ice for a frappe when I asked, how long you've been here? And he continued doing his job. I'd like to think that he didn't hear me. Maybe. It was the first time I felt a man is not interested in  a woman. And I promised myself never to ask him again. Sometimes, when my insanity strikes, I fear for myself. Pwamis.

Back to the question, the birds I saw earlier led me to at least make a sane answer before stepping out of that coffee shop. That many times in my life, I experience moments of being "high". Success is not foreign to me, and I don't want to brag anything about that word, for I am still a persistent traveler. Many times though, like those birds orchestrated to bow down , I get a taste of being grounded back to the level ground. I don't complain for in my sullen weaknesses, I found more grace. It brings me to a point that enables me to understand people going through the same experience in life. That my loose grips are occult blessings so I can hold closer to Him. That makes me survive. And the day goes on. 

So then, I can start up to sum up my life by beginning to enumerate my wounds, my struggles, my afflictions. From there, too, I can start elaborating twice the blessings extracted out of those blemishes. Many calls it insanity. I call it opportunity.

When the sky turned to dusky red, I took the last sip of my drink. I will remember this day when birds bowed down. Wherever my feet will lead me, or my mind will reach the endless possibilities, I will  have this thought that strength is at its fullest when we learn to humble ourselves and receive the unfailing love of the One who made bowing down a part of creation. 

"Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe".-Have A Little Faith

..staying connected..

As the main door of the hospital swung open, I had the taste of  warmth of the evening air. Since the bus  hasn't arrived yet, I sat on the nearby ally and watched the people passing by. It's a busy hour for people who wanted to be well. There's a sight of a father throwing his baby boy in the air in giggle, a daughter pushing the wheelchair of her old mom, children running and playing, footsteps in rhythm, doctors arguing of what's-the-final-diagnosis-of-who, smoking guard sitting on his post, and the musical noise and clutters from people everywhere. I saw the highest tower in the city glistening in prudent, changing its lights as if dancing to the pedestal. I saw my shadow from where I am sitting and my hair being blown away by the gentle wind of which the scent of my shampoo reminds me that it's been past 12 hours since I opened my eyes and called it a brand new day. I just sat there, swinging my legs in patience, thanking the One who gives all the noise and clutters, the very moment when I am tired from work and He would give me some moments to look at the world in its truest sense, to feel the unhurried wind caressing your hair, to fill your lungs with every joy of just being there...present, alive, with a beating heart. 

A little girl holding her bag of sweets throw her beautiful smile at me before the bus came. I recognized that smile. It's the answer to my wordless prayer last night when I am lying in my bed, exhausted, holding that scapular that came from Carmel, my favorite church. I held it between my hands tightly, no words could I think of saying. I just held it tight, and tears kept falling from my eyes. I knew by then that I already said my prayer. And that I am well-understood in my silence. 

The things that the world offers complicate our rules to happiness. Today, I may have not attended church, I may be absent from the family's meal, I may have been in a hurry to catch up a ride, or a loose grip of the spirit. But there's always a moment when God is pulling you on the other end of the rope towards Him. It may come as noise and clutters from strangers, a smile from a kid, of just the dancing lights from the tower. Does it matter? Why should it be? It's the peace in knowing that God is making ways to stay connected with us. Feel that connection in the most simple ways. I just did today.=)

I'm always in touch with you.-God

..from strips to brand..

Sitting in a corner and seeing my toes made me realized that I indeed have a busy week and myriad of line up tasks. A comfy couch and a functioning laptop are enough to unleash the pressures of the day. Wherever is my whereabouts at this very moment does not count anymore. As long as my heart beats, air is not overpriced, and love is like shadow that guides me around, I know I always have enough. 

Seeing the sky in a glimpse while my eyes are starting to become heavy, I could not hear anything but just the heaving of the evening air. I could stare at the plain sky in all silence while wondering how wide it can get, and how impossible for me to get out of it. God's love is like that, I assured myself without any hint of doubt. And while the music is playing, I remember a thought that made my eyes teary.

When I was a kid, we have an old neighbor who used to make rags out of excess textiles. Something that has no use, crumpled and rejected by the tailor, extra pieces from sewn garments and considered as "patapon" or garbage. She's very old that I'm afraid she'll sew her fingers and not the extra cut outs of textiles. To my amazement, I spent hours watching how she craftily made each pieces of those "garbage" of different styles, textures, designs, hues and colors fit into that sack that has no use. In a day or two, those cut outs, those worthless and useless pieces become a whole thing, one thing projects beauty, worth and use that she can sell and made value out of it.

In life, we are susceptible to trample down, being robbed by our peace of mind, cut into pieces by different afflictions we do not have any control of. Because as what my mentor said, the thing that blocks our journey towards our destination is LIFE itself. Life pops up, and anything can happen there's no way we can ascertain. We feel shattered at times and stripped into pieces. We do not know how to put things back together, or how to fit into this world of standards. It's a challenge how to find your worth, your value. It dawned to me that oftentimes, we are like those sheets of textiles. We undergo moments of feeling rejected, crumpled and of no use. But just like our old neighbor, God never wastes what He has created. He mastered the art of turning garbage into valuable things, of putting a worth on what the world sees as worthless, of converting what is useless to what is useful. And when He laid His hands on those "patapon", magic happens.   For in an in-depth view, even garbage has no escape from God's unyielding desire to love. Because in His economy, nothing, absolutely nothing goes to waste. 

I know you have a lot to tell the world of how it is being unfair to you. But give God a chance to tell you how the world is too small for Him to hold, how your past mistakes are too small over how cosmic His heart is, how the mammoth problems you hurled is too light-feathered for Him to carry. Oftentimes, being cut out and stripped are just a camouflage of how He is preparing You to be His masterpiece. Be patient in your being broken, hurt and wounded. He will sew the pieces together, make the best out of those cuts, form it into one such beautiful thing and put the best market value in it. And by the way, it will be a limited stock. It's branded by God.

Why it made me teary-eyed? Because I'm not too far from those binned textiles. Not until my Great Tailor sewed those pieces and put His brand on my strips---->"God's Beloved".

Happy Weekend!=)