..Chuckie and the pink bag..

I am standing on queue waiting for my trip back home. The weather is gloomy, and the drizzles just started. I can still feel the effect of the hangover from the previous night of "occasional drinking". I left my heart to that place that so far made the best of my vacation. There's a small grief while I'm clutching the pink bag that was given to me. I feel like upon returning from that trip, that something was left behind, and that the days are over to retrieve it. My attention was transfixed to those afternoons of watching waves flippantly chasing one after the other, the grandiose clear sky my hands are incapable to put on a canvass, the laxity of time that passed gracefully because you are at the moment detached from the world's uproar, the silent moments you count your blessings and thanking God for all the undeserved explosive gifts. I will always treasure those mornings of sweet waking, of getting up with messy hair just to watch the sunrise among the calm horizons, watching people walking on the sand because it is their joy, people walking going to work, and I honestly don't envy them, people walking to stay fit, people walking because they needed to. And me, there at the beach side, forgetting about what walking is and simply being taken away by serenity. Those priceless nights where you cannot gauge how wide the sea is but you believe anyway that it has no end, the lights you cannot appreciate by day time, but only when the darkness sets in. Those, I wouldn't exchange for the world...

The little boy's voice interrupted the ripples I am savoring. It's started to rain, and he was consuming the limited space of shade outside the gate from where I am standing. It's needless to say what he wants at the moment, for his hand was shaking while he lay it open wide for something. I grabbed the Chuckie drink I put on my pink bag and was about to give it when the woman on my side prevented me. Don't tolerate them, she casually told me. I waited for sometime and watched the little boy. I can feel a connection, probably because I feel gloomy within. "Hindi ko kaya", I told the lady beside me.  I handed him the chocolate drink, and he ran away. She just stared at me, and I looked at the direction to where the little boy ran. Jesus would do that.

Among the crowds that day, how many of them are having drizzles within? How many are on the battle of walking through tough past, inconceivable future, and a puzzled present? How many are rejected just because we are heading other's voice and not ours? How many Jesus would you turn your back to?

Thank God for Chuckie and the pink bag! 

..let the rain fall..

It was one afternoon of no turning back. I sat on one of the empty chairs being the early bird. The wide transparent glass gave a view of the mountain hiding behind the formed clouds. The scenery of grass-covered field is at its greenest while the sun joyfully hailed its rays in the sky. My flight has been delayed, and  it's tempting to fall asleep. But I'd given homage to the sight right before my eyes. The parched runway slowly turned gray as the sun seemed to be a little bit shy it slowly lose its splendid glow. The clouds became heavier covering almost half of the mountain's sight. It's obvious what transpired in the next few minutes. The heavy downpour started. I sipped the can of soda while my hand is shaky probably due to the room's temperature. I watched the grass standing still despite the blow, receiving all that the sky is pouring in. The once soul-soothing landscape is now all in the memory. 

I waited in patience, trying to figure out a "kick" from within while finishing my brownies. Slowly, the tip of the mountain appeared from where I am settled. It's like a curtain was removed before the great show. And there it was, the sun peeped in a lazy manner. The picture in my memory formed real again, bringing back the soothe in my soul. 

Like life, we cannot guarantee a safe ground for almost everything. One instance everything is sunny, another instance, our world becomes gloomy. Downpour can shake the landscape of security we have, and rain will fall somewhere, eradicating our ideal view of the world. It's easy to throw a thousand why's and wallow in defeats, but we can choose to be sober like the grass. If your life is being raged with all the problems in the world, remember that usually, the grass is at its greenest after the bouts of heavy downpour. Allow God to wash you, let the rain fall. 

..you'll never be your age again..

Photo Credit: Robz Tan 

I feel like I got a good massage after a warm bath, a moment for a while to shy away from all the days of toil. The water trampling on my feet creates a hush I savor for more few minutes. The tan lines on my shoulders are still very visible, and I love it. It has many stories to tell, but as private as I am, I would like to keep it as private as it should be. My mentor sent me an assignment but as of the moment, it still hangs open for me to even make a jumpstart. It made me think to outline my priorities in the next couple of years. Yes Sir Bo, I plea for extension =) 

I just turned 18 (ahem)  a couple of days ago, and I can feel a bizarre jolt whenever I'd think of the things that made my sanity on ground. Madness to life, I have lots to tell so I cannot be an object of your envy just in case...

-Games are not my cup of tea. I've never played Farmville, Plants vs. Zombies, and Candy Crush Saga. If cops would handcuff and throw to jail innocents of online games, I'll be the lone occupant, the President and Muse behind bars.

-I only learned to carry make-up when I was 27. As I mentioned before, my guy will never be pressured because I'm a low-cost maintenance girlfriend (soon). If you would raid my bag, I'm sorry to disappoint you that it contains old receipts..from ATM receipts down to credit card receipts dated don't-ask-anymore-ok. But be glad to know I dumped it all before turning 28=)

- I often forget to bring a towel to the bathroom. When my alarm would wake up almost all the people in our flat, it's automatic that my feet would drag me to the bathroom. And only after I have a good bath would I sometimes realize that people who go to take a shower should bring a towel with them. Or you'll end up tiptoeing with your old big shirt. Been there, done that.

- I cheated twice in my life. The first time was when I first made a love letter. I do not know how to make an introduction that I needed to copy lines from the Bible. The second, when I chase after a love I'll never have.

Years are turning fast. Chances come and go, some of them are one-way road. The sun will still shine 10 years from now, but you are not sure if you are still there on that sunrise .So wear that bikini while your waist line can be measured, while your skin can still lock moisture, while the lines in your face are the lines of laughter, and the structure of your body can support your jump shot, while you are still at your best shape, and you don't need an external memory to remind you how it is to be happy. Dream the wildest dreams your imagination can afford and live life as if it was the day you were born. Where everything is new, everything is something you look forward to discovering and learn, where there are no "if only", "I shoulda' and woulda' and coulda'". Don't be afraid to make mistakes and look stupid at times, for happiest people in the world are the ones who do not need to think what others will think. They live within their outlines, by simply being who they are. Lastly, don't be sorry for loving someone. It's the most contagious disease in the human history.

Live the life you always wanted. For you'll never be your age again.

..on flying by Business Class..

I stepped out from the plane with a heavy heart. My 42-day vacation is over and so far, the best laid-back days I could ask for since the day I started earning on my own. I arrived at Singapore Airport with drained enthusiasm but I needed to get going. I presented my connecting boarding pass to verify my gate number expecting that by midnight, I'll be on a trip back to Riyadh. And the big, unexpected humungous twist happened. I was informed that my flight would be 12 in the afternoon the following day..THE FOLLOWING DAY. So if my Mathematics skill is not yet rusted from all-out swimming, that would be more or less a 12-hour stopover, with my baggage already checked-in, my heart bruised from melancholy of missing my family back home, and with only books on my bag. I breathe as deep as I can, inhaling the priceless, tax-free air. I walked around like a backpack traveler, my mind wandering how to kill time.."Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.", my memory grasped this verse. I continued my steps and realized that I'm lucky being in an air conditioned place, lights are shimmering everywhere I don't need to carry candle to watch over my steps. I am determined. I will enjoy the present situation, I will make the most of this total shift of adventure. Afterall, I wanted to be a traveler.

I was advised to avail a $45 voucher ; my first blessing after the jolt of  excitement returned. Good thing that there are Filipinos everywhere I was guided with much relief. I was amazed of the thought that I could actually have a gastronomical indulgence for free. I sat on one of the most busy coffee shops in the area, sat like I'm really are a traveler, ordered for a Grande White Choco Mocha and  two pieces double chocolate muffin. Oh yeah, life's sweet with detours sometimes. I opened the book I cannot managed to read on my previous trip. As I sip my cup, it's as if Joel Osteen is preaching to me live..

"I can guarantee you that your difficult situation will never improve as long as you stay in a negative frame of mind. But if you'll develop an attitude of faith and expect events to change positively, then at the right time, that situation will turn around...Your attitude should be "God I know that You are at work in my life. Although the miracle I've been watching for didn't happen today, I know I'm one day closer to it! I'm one day closer to my answered prayer, and I'm not going to get upset. I'll not allow myself to get discouraged. I know that your timing is perfect, so I'm going to stay in an attitude of faith and keep trusting You to do what is best."

I was able to sleep in the middle of my inmost storm that night, in a place where the sun will still shine. Sometimes, our feet bring us to places and situations we expect less. It's easier to complain, to be discouraged and fall into mediocrity and complacency. I learned that God often uses those situations of inconveniences to show us a better way to get out of it, a clearer path to follow ahead, a redirection over what it seemed to be a rejection. That afternoon, when I was able to find my gate for boarding, a miracle I didn't expect was given to me. I was handed a Business Class boarding pass. It shook my world that it's like "a good day to die for" I needed to go back and clarified in the encounter if indeed, it was meant for me. I received a warm smile saying, "it's definitely for you Miss Tan". Should I complain? Of course not! I'm in no ground to question the gift!=) Just at least another digit in my age will be added, I was able to experienced the best roller coaster adventure at 27.

Life's funny that way. When you embrace what's in your present, you expect a best life now.

Happy Sunday!

..She embraced me once more..

Monastery of Mt. Carmel

My half-inch sandals paved noise as I walked into the familiar floors. The sun is high as I waited for the hour of Great Mercy. Its rays entered into the windows and struck a vibrant effect on the turquoise color of the high ceilings. I bowed down to show respect for Her. My hands are a little bit sweaty as my steps culminated into the pew where I always find my resting den. The flowers were arranged in specific lengths, and there are still used candles that were not yet changed anew. The piano is covered in brown clothe at the right far corner. You cannot underestimate the power of melodious songs it creates when the notes are hit right. I pulled the cushioned footrest, barely looking at Her while at the back of my mind, She knew I was coming. And before I was able to kneel, tears have been dropping my cheeks. I looked at Her tender eyes, and gentle sobs begin to fill my empty space. I don't know what to tell Her, nor where to start. I covered my face with my closed hands, pouring out a prayer I cannot say, letting Her know that I am here once again asking for Her strength, imitating Her composure in silence, surrendering the things I don't have the power to control, and the courage to brave the roads yet to unfold. I was not afraid to show Her how vulnerable I can get, because there's nothing I can hide from Her genuine face. The same face I struggle to hold on to when it feels like I'm a waning candle steadfastly illuminating the light needed by someone else. And the soft sobs turned into inconsolable ones..

I heard footsteps coming toward the altar as I buried my face to the wipes I held on my hands. The men carried a new piano placed before the altar. They looked waywardly at my direction, being the one left alone there and I didn't give much care. The man in his 40's started to hit soft keys, and it filled the place with hymn. At the farthest left corner, a responsorial psalm reads.."My Lord is kind and merciful".. 

I sat down on the pew, examined the whole place, trying to memorize its details so I will not forget. The hour of Great Mercy has passed. The inside of the church fell silence again. I am there, emptying the heavy loads I cannot tell to anyone. I know I was prompted to come to Her today, for She always been my liaison to Him.

She listened.

She held my hands.

She embraced me once more.

..a promise fulfilled after 7 years..

I live in a house with few furniture, it's small that sometimes my mother and I would bump into each other. It's small that my mother would invade my privacy (sleeping with mouth open), and I can run from bathroom to our room with estimated 7 steps ( and now you're counting). Yes, that's how small our house is. But within that confined space, I learned how big the world is. 

 I was only a college student having our Psychiatric Immersion when I first visited St. Mary's Home For The Aged. I was surprised that it is actually near our home but didn't know that it existed until that day I first step foot on its gate. We held an activity knowing our elderly and had a chance to have a private time with them. I can vividly remember, although most of the time my memory is not serving me well nowadays (and I'm only 27) that I promised myself to go back there one day. Then life happens. School requirements overlapping one by one, pressures from graduating with decent grades (at least), and passing the Board Exams. Then I was able to received a decent marks on graduation, had my license to practice, and off I went to search my place in the world. The promise I once conceived vanished as goals started to occupy most of my bucket list. Life threw various experiences that somehow made me tough, made me more ambitious and I can tell in a way that I was blessed far more than what I prayed for. I traveled certain parts of the world, but mostly, when I am among the horizons of sand dunes or in the long walks of beach, there's always something that pulls me to go back to that core where I can feel most at peace.That core, that peace, is a luxury for someone who is restless and jovial. Today, I've known how big the world is, how small I am in that big world, but that life can always have a beautiful flip if we learn to give more of our self.

I entered the gate of St. Mary's Home For The Aged today. The bars are rusting and the upholstery in the little area where we held the activities 7 years ago welcomed me as well, for the holes are as visible as the gate. My family was with me and the morning smile of one of the Lolo's there gave an ambiance of melancholy. The chairs in the gymnasium were arranged in rows, prompting me that they have visitors for today aside from our unnoticed visit. I gazed on the garden filled with different plants and variants of flowers..
“Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will He clothe you"... We went directly in the gymnasium with the sack of clothes we arranged the previous night and waited for them while the caregivers are giving them a bath. I breathe the air that relieved all my worries for all the responsibilities waiting for me after this vacation. But then again, I came here to see them and offer myself in whatever way I know. Then Lola Bukay came in view, vibrant in her golden years, cheerful as ever when I was still a student. I gave her a hug and told her that I met her before, 7 years ago. One by one, the rest of them appeared fresh from morning bath. One of them is on wheelchair. She cannot remember her age or if she had taken breakfast. I ran my hand on the veins under her flimsy skin, held her for sometime while the saliva is leaking from her mouth whenever she speaks. Her head is a bit bowed down probably due to aging muscles on her neck. I bowed down too so she can see me. And when I saw those senile looks, I know how beautiful life is. I'm back to that core. I found that peace.

I have so much stories to tell you, of how a mom married to a doctor with an only child is there, or how being single without a family brought an 84 year old and had chosen to live his remaining days serving his fellows. I have so much to tell how that home on top of the hill is a paradise for the elderly who were left in their sundown days. I have so much to tell, but their stories are my fuel when the engine of my hope is a bit rusty, when life is pulling me down to knee. And so I chose to keep their stories in my heart, carry them wherever I am, and re-live it in trying times.

The gate welcomed me without ever asking where I came from, what I am capable to give, what I've been through in life. It opened its vast door with open arms, as if saying, "it may have taken you so long, but you are back. You may have been a different person now, but it doesn't matter anymore. You are back. You have trudged various outlines of life, you were bent , screwed up, well-spent, but you are back. It may have taken 7 years, but you fulfilled that childish promise. Receive my peace now that you are back".

P.S.

St. Mary's Home For The Aged is housing 20 elderly at present. They are located at Brgy. Alangilan Bacolod City. For any donations, you can visit their office at Redemptorist Church near University of St. La Salle.

 But if you want to have some life, visiting them is the next best thing!

..a date on the street..

I waited for sometime while my eyes scanned the surroundings. There are many inevitable changes that took place after 3 years since I've been there. Now the sky is filled with gloomy clouds, and drizzles will fall anytime without notice. I sat on one of the benches and waited, but I saw not even one of them. I stroll around holding the plastics of food that I bought earlier hoping to find just even one of them. I was persistent not to go home until I will find them. And on the grassy edge of the playground, my heart beats faster as Rachel, 12,  is inhaling that plastic container with toxic inhalant. Her blonde hair, mostly covering her face is enough to say that she hasn't been to wash room for days. I called her, and she finished washing her hands on a portion of stagnant water probably from the last night's downpour of rain. With her is Joemarie, age he cannot identify. He grown a bit from the previous years I saw him but just as Rachel, his hair is now blonde. We sat on the bench, and they hastily eat, the kind of hunger you would not wish your love ones to experience. I am aware that moment how it is to have nothing, and how a something could mean everything. I know what refuge is for I know how it is to feel lost. I know what sunshine means for I've been under drizzles many times. My momentary thoughts were distracted when Joemarie said that there are still many of them, and I told him to call them so they too can eat. And without fail, they appeared one by one. One of them asked me if I'm alone, I just nodded as she continued to eat two breads at the same time. She pre-empted my asking if she can bring as well for her mother. Who can say no?

My most hated moment came when the foods are running out of stocks. I can feel some drops of rain fell on my cap. The clouds are growing heavier, but then a portion of the sky is shining. As I watched them eat, I know that I am only feeding their temporary hunger. After this, tomorrow will be another struggle day. I just hope that  another Jesus in Blue Jeans will pass by and provide them with something that is more permanent. I have a long way to go when it comes to self-giving and serving, of delaying gratification and putting other's needs first. I don't have everything in life, but these kids are teaching me how to embrace what life is giving me. It's enough that Joemarie can remember my face, but forgotten my name, and just seeing them again is God's grace.

I texted my mom how I felt so good. And before I left, a beautiful rainbow appeared across the sky just beneath where we are sitting. 

I just had an appointment with God. 

I just had a date on the street.