...The Girl Who Lived...

(c) Robz Tan

The humid air gently made its gesture towards my direction. It’s been a long while for that gentle touch. Watching people passing by from where I am seated, I content to guess where each one is going, where probably they may have been, what particular destination they have in mind, what wonders they have to tell, what stories lie behind the restlessness.

I have a knack for few weird habits: People-watching. Counting colors. Sitting alone.

In a world where everybody despise and fear being alone, sometimes I have to face myself squarely and shamelessly ask the Kim I’m seeing. "I love my solitude", the answer came back rushing. 
Is it wrong? Am I different because I love what same people dislike and likes what mundane thinkers wouldn’t grasp? 

32 beautiful years.

But sometimes, I’m caught off-guard of life’s surprises. 

The latest changed every single moment I’m breathing…

Evening of June 8.

I had an ordinary day.

But anything ordinary can snap away.

A-n-y-t-i-m-e.

I was inside the cab with friends. Talking about how Corona virus is throwing its toll in one of the biggest hospitals in Riyadh while we are on a traffic halt, we were immersed in the conversation as to how this situation can go further.

In a split seconds, there was a loud noise. 

My head was bang back and forth due to an intense impact for a cycle I cannot understand right behind the driver’s seat. 

Another collision followed.

It took sometime before we realized that we are rubbing elbows with the thing called “accident” in real reel.

I was in a state of shock. 

“Oh God!” The only words I was able to utter.

In a glimpse brought by dizziness, I saw my patients lying on the ICCU bed. 
Will I be one of them? Is this how my ordinary day gonna end? My family. My dreams. My scheduled travel. How about them?

More than the physical pain I’m undergoing, my heart was rip to pieces.  
I haven't said goodbye.

Lying on bed that night, I was too fearful to shut my eyes I’m struggling hard to be awake. What if they’ll never open again?

Fighting the tumult racing on my insides, I let the last drop of tears fell from the corner of my eyes. “YOU know better than I”. And I close my eyes.

There’s just no words to utter the moment I saw the dawn welcoming me on a half-close curtain.

The slate is clean. 

The morning anew.

Another day.

I’m alive.

I’m waiting for the final touches to fly to Casablanca, Morocco. The sun is scorching outside it’s as if it holler its sense of dominance in the sky. Having seen the reflection of myself on the mirror this morning, and the scar on my forehead that reminded me (and will be reminding me) of that unforgettable night, I know deep in my heart I’m alive for greater reasons. For greater purpose.

And I’ll not squander  T I M E. 

I’ll not miss out  L I F E. 

Yes, there were days when it’s just too difficult to hardly hang on. Days when the world makes it hard for me to execute my desire to love humans. Days when it’s just too much to let out a cry I’d rather hear my own sobs. Days when it’s hard to talk to God and believe that He truly cares. 

But after seeing the shadow of death, there are many things I’ve forgotten.

I’ve forgotten what I’m angry about. 

Or what worries me yesterday.

I’ve forgotten what gave me sleepless nights.

And tearful days. 

I’ve forgotten what difficulty there is to hang on.

And what makes it hard for me to love humans.

That forgiveness springs not from the will to forgive, but in forgiving willingly.

That life has its expiry date. So does sadness. And pain.

That the easiest thing in life is not in holding on, but in letting go. And trusting God.

Because even how gently death knocks, it’ll never wait until you’re ready.

Being literally shaken on that space where life is incredibly too short to describe, it drove me to only one thing: L I V I N G

And I mean it living well.

If only everyone could see what I’ve seen, perhaps our I love you’s are more sincere. 

Our apology not delayed.    

Our plans have timetable.

Our hugs tighter.

Our thank you’s aplenty.

There will be no “maybe next time” for coffee.

Or “tomorrow” for a good book to read.

Or “if I have time” for a movie date.

Or “if I saved enough” for travel.

Or “I’ll think about it” to love. 

This life is too hard to understand. 

But truest to its brevity, and cliché as it is, we start living when we know we are dying.

So everyday, learn to die.

Die to our greed.

Die to our selfishness.

Die to self- righteousness.

Die to self-glory.

Die to materialism.

Die to our pride.

Die to our reasons.

I know God has saved all my tears all these years. (Another jar please!haha)

Today, as I turned a year older and wiser, more tears are rolling down my cheeks.

So please, God, collect these tears too. 

And hand it to the person whose intentions are unquestionably pure. 

Who genuinely deserves  every drop You saved.

Because these tears are tears of joy…from the Girl you allowed to live. 

Again.