..The Tough Love..

(c) Cathedral de Bencao

I refused to be her Preceptor since day 1.

It's not that I don't like her. But I feel that I've given the best teachings to my previous Preceptee  I feel like I'm drained already to have another one. *"Sa inyo daw po ako Ma'am Kim sabi ni Ma'am Claire", uttered the soft-spoken voice. I saw kindness in her eyes I have no way to refuse anymore.

It was Friday, her first day of 12-hour shift. I knew that the girl is trying hard to give her best shots. But it seemed to me that there are so much more from her to give since we are working in a critical unit with critical patients. Tough love, I thought. But she never gave me an impression that it's a mistake deciding and sticking to be an ICU Nurse. She wanted to have her tasks done to the last bits.

That Friday evening, the bus left her. 

I was her In-Charge. 

Days flipped into months. There was an instance that I would go back on Friday just to check on her competencies. And modest to say that I would lay my name on the line so that she will somehow feel that I would want to bring out the best in her. Again, it's the kind of tough love I thought was good enough.

I was surprised when I saw her one day in blue scrubsuits, manipulating a dialysis machine, that girl on the first day I was refusing to teach. I swear, I had my skip beats. I shy away looking at her. She made it through her probationary period!

Some tears are forming at the corner of my eyes. 

I walked out the door. 

I was so damn proud of her.

She reminds me so much of Rolenkim.

He never gave up on me when I was a nobody. He never detested my absolute inadequacies. My worth are on His palms. My life was protected by His mercy. He bent down on the ground, wrote my name on the dust that reads, "My Beloved".

Where can you find a love like that?

I close my eyes.

Even in darkness, He follows me.

Even in abyss, He chases me.

Where can I run that You can't go?

Where can I hide from You?

Where can you find a God who never uses the tough love?

I close my eyes and I gave up on the truth.

He just LOVES me TOUGH!

*Ate Claire said I'll be with you.

..To The Last Bite..

(c) Flotsam of the Mind

I slept with the thought of wanting to eat ice cream. I'm craving for it but the telephone in our accommodation, unfortunately, cannot be use temporarily. So I went to sleep. And the ice cream appeared in my dream. Chasing me. Alluring me with the nuts sprinkled over the top. The chocolate marble intertwined with my favorite vanilla flavor. I swallowed like a toddler seeing a cone of ice cream at first sight.

I woke up and went out to find ways to get that thing that keeps on chasing me in my dreams. And when I had it held on my hand, I savor every lick I could get, not a thing escaped from my taste buds. I was thinking I'm having the best of the ingredients since there were nuts sprinkled on its top. The very thing I imagined before going to bed. I was halfway finished the middle part, sating my crave like I am an expectant mother of twins. Such a voracious eater losing my poise and glamour in every lick. (Yes, I'm still talking of ice cream. Oh c'mon, LOL!) I thought it's the end as I am nearing the last part of the cone. As I removed the covering toward its tip, there's something more waiting for me. The most chocolate-ty bite! Droll!

Having my insomnia back to its business hours, I ponder on this thought. Sometimes we think that what we have is the already "kind of best" God is giving us. It's the limit. It's the cream of the crop. It's the cherry to the cake. Nothing more. God already emptied His barn for you. No more. Waley. 

As you go through life, you will realize that in fact, the best is yet to come. Probably, you may feel that certain state of hiatus. That certain state of plateau. You thought you already met the best man for you but yet he betrayed you after giving your all. You reached the end of your happy ever after. You thought there's no more good men after that heartbreak. If there's any, it's now a battle of trust vs. mistrust. I get the root of that predicament. 

But what if you haven't yet met the  "most chocolate-ty" part of the ice cream? What if what you had is actually just a preparatory phase to your most awaited end?  Will you succumb in the middle of life? Or will you propel forward?

Like the brilliant concept of the chocolate at the tip of the cone, God must have designed life that way. So that we will always, always, and always look forward to the best that is yet to come. You might be bruise now. You might be in anguish now. You might have been betrayed and paddled, and stepped over and over again with the seemingly unrelenting problems. But hey, is the story finished? Not yet. 

Your life is like a theater.

The curtains hasn't been draw open yet to the fullest.

Wait and see how God will transform your most astounding battles into victories.

Countless and immeasurable goodness awaits you.

Don't give up.

The most chocolate-ty awaits to the last bite! =)

..LOVE is the nickname..

I like sleeping a lot. When I say a lot, it means I can hardly noticed my pillow lying on the floor. Or my blanket not serving its purpose of providing me warmth and comfort I felt like there were massive windmills in the room. And worst, raped with consent by Derek Ramsay. (Just go back to the first two options). 

Sometimes, I sleep like I cannot feel I have two legs from hours of walking the space of the ICU. In the middle of a good slumber, the most unholy of all hours when my saliva is at its verge of doing its job, my phone would then ring. There I knew that Popeye is not obsolete. She is dressed in black nightie looking at her phone  reading the caller's name: Robz. In an instant, the saliva disappears, like a morning dew has seen the morning sun rays. "Did I wake you up?". Good morning Sis! No! Of course, no. The quick answer with eyes like those of Popeye. 

I do not regard it as an emergency. Especially if there is a tone of excitement in my sister's voice . As simple as sharing the details of her previous going out with her crush. Or just the coffee shop dream we long wanted to have. Even if the conversation took place with a 5-hour difference in my watch.

Because anything related to my family is always a top priority. Irregardless of the hour of the day. Irregardless if my voice is hoarse from clogged nose. Or the temperature is so inviting for another snooze. It's a pleasure to be the version of Popeye.

I spell Love as Time. 

And Time is equated to Love.

No other noun can replace the other. 

They are interchangeably inseparable.

Like a cord is to a placenta.

Like a heart is to its beat.

I knew what my Love Language is.

Time is the name.

Love is the nickname.