..The Longest 20 Minutes..

I rubbed my palms nervously after I removed my overcoat. I felt the cold cross pendant hanging around my neck as I started to unlock my necklace. The inside of the room seemed too narrow as the light is accentuating the coldness I feel. It has been months that I've been postponing this.

I laid my shivering body on the slender metal bed. I wrapped the blanket around me and took a deep sigh. I can’t feel my toes as the machine started to move towards the close-space tunnel. I understand what claustrophobic patients feel. The earplugs I wore didn't serve its purpose as the ticking sounds prompted the ventricles of my heart to pump faster. I kept my eyes close, my head still, and my hands clenching each other. It’s the day of my brain MRI.

I know my eyelashes are moving though I am sure that my eyes are still close. I can’t figure out the space I’m occupying, and the voice that I can’t comprehend from the outside of the room. Thoughts are streaming in my mind and I was afraid if the machine will be able to read them one by one. The first thing that came in my ongoing scanned mind is that, “God, whatever the result is, please don’t let me die a poor virgin”. Thank goodness the machine is not capable to record those thoughts. The ticking changed to a harsh, my-eardrum-will-explode-anytime-by-now swishing sound. And then it slowed down. I moved my toes just to ensure I’m still alive. I remember the 5 kids I wanted to raise, the man I want to sleep with and wake up each day, the lists of my dream travel, the articles I wanted to publish, the books I wanted to read, the words I wanted to learn, and the life that is waiting for me outside this room. I feared to open my eyes.

The sound took a halt. Another one started to create its own melody. This time, more gentle, if it’s an acceptable description. I remember the throbbing headaches I endured. Apart from that, I remember the insurmountable pains I never knew how those came to passing. How I am still fighting the good fight in the race of life. My lashes are still moving, but now dampen by welling tears.

The test lasted for 20 minutes, the longest 20 minutes by far.

 But it felt an eternity to see your life unfolding right before your close eyes.

*Let me search You in the depths of my heart amidst the cold darkness and harsh sounds of life.