..Don't Trade What You Can't Afford to Lose..

With all the good things that seemed to have taken me aback, I lust for "slowing down".

It's not that I'm complaining for all the scandalous blessings that I am receiving, for heaven knows how I feel so unworthy for my buckets of "thank you God". 

But in a world fixated by "more", I'm loving the idea of "enough".

Last July, I celebrated my birthday in a different way. Partly because there's no loud music and drinks, and well, being tipsy is not tolerated in my conservative family. ( Don't tell my mom my binge drinking experience). There's a grain of truth in what they say that as you matured, you clearly identify what's more valuable in life. Family, for one, is something you cannot trade with anything else. 

I want to write articles about anything under the sun, but truly, I confess that I write better when I talk about family.

I am a nurse by profession, but when a family member is sick, God knows I can easily forget I am a licensed one. An ICU nurse, for that matter.

I could be a sister to anyone, but when Robz is calling me Manang, I swear my heart burst for joy.

I can be a daughter to my older colleagues, but when my mother would hug me to sleep, I know she never learned to let go of her little girls.

I was eavesdropping to a mother talking about her kids, about raising them and the struggles of being a single parent. She got my heart when she said " I can take losing all the battles in life. But not the battle when it comes to my children. Not them."

It was early dawn and I cannot sleep. Probably because the aircondition in the hotel where we stayed for a night is too cold for my skin to bear. Probably because I can't get over with the joy of having us together in one table, dressed smartly, as we never did in the past. Or probably because I love the habit of stalking my family, all in one room, hiding in the comfort of thick blankets and the spacious bed. Probably because it's too much to contain that of the many blessings thrown at you, it's not a sin to filter the ones that makes you a better individual.

In that vacation, my relationship between me and my sister was tested  when we had an almost come-to-life argument about my booking in my out of the country travel. Tension was already building between our exchange in messages. It came to a point when I decided dropping the travel if it will cost our relationship. I was amazed when my sister said, "I'll do everything that I can so you can get the booking". Under the drizzles in our roof, my tears made a louder sound.

That's when I realized that in life, choices are at hand. It's a question of priority; and relationship should be the least, or as much as you can avoid, not the one to suffer.

Tomorrow is Sunday, how's your relationship going on? 

Have you trade it lately with the busyness in career? 

If you can't afford to lose what is deemed important to you, then probably it's time to give it a second thought. 

..The Unexplored Part of Happiness..

Long way back months before going home, I was able to had this hearty conversation with my Auntie. For a normally thinking person, a question thrown like  "when you were my age, what were those things you wished you did that you weren't able to do?" might give you a hint that the one asking this is a) in a questionable emotional state of equilibrium b) "may pinagdadaanan" (going through something) c) avoiding future regrets.

I have spent the better parts of my vacation thinking about the concept of Quarter-Of-A-Life crisis. That which as I defined n. something incomprehensible that you are trying to comprehend. 

On tougher nights, I would cry in sobs I don't want to hear. On brighter days, I simply stay where I needed to be.

I was in Calaguas Island for days. 

I slept in a tent beside the shore, under the canopy of stars. The lights are off at 7 o'clock in the evening. No Facebook, no Instagram. You can hear the splashing of waves against the boat anchored securely on mangroves, giving a blinking red light among the shimmering horizons. There's no trace that a city is existing at hand. There's only you, your God, and the things in your heart. 

Looking at the blinking light, I wondered why I waited for me to turn 29 before doing these things. I've been working hard for years that I felt I failed to reconnect with myself. Success is so tempting and I understand why many bask in its glory and attention. But it could be so blinding that it diverts your energy to fleeting moments. Moments you have given up, like sitting inside the tent watching the sea and breathing the unmolested air of serenity. Moments of sipping a cup of coffee with your love ones, talking how the neighbor's daughter got pregnant at 18, and laughed why her own daughter hasn't brought any man at home. Moments when you removed your costly Birkenstock sandals, and realized that there's nothing more tactile than walking barefooted and feeling the earth's heat. Moments you woke up sweating from long hours of sleep as the afternoon sun peeks inside your see-through tent roof and you brace yourself saying, "where all those years gone? 

A study conducted in Harvard University states that many people today goes to bed more stressed out and burned out. The house and car mortgage, the iPhone6 plan, the WiFi bills, the condo rentals, and the thought of your next profile pic. There are more people who are nurturing envy since a friend just checked-in in an out-of-the-country, where-the-who-is-with-whom status, more people less grateful since they too have practiced the Art of Comparing. 

The social media can do.

The world is so challenging and it's a battle of the fittest. But perhaps, the goal is not to get out of life surviving. Because surviving is impossible without accepting that not all questions have answers, so as not all incomprehensible can be comprehended--haunting as they are.

I saw the kids pumping water for taking their bath. I asked them to smile as I focused my lens on their direction. They did without asking why. 

I guess, I should learn to do the same thing. 

I should abandon everything to the One who are all-knowing. That's the only way to explore the unexplored part of happiness.