..if seconds are left..

I sat on my chair under dim light as I keenly watched the tracing on his monitor. Some lights in the station were already put off. It's enticing to close my eyes, but being assigned to a case of "anything-may-snap-at-any-moment" drove me to stay afloat. Her beloved other half was there, holding his hand in tears while he bravely tapped her shoulder as if saying that everything will turn out right. Married for 25 years, and having no kids at all, I understand where her fears are coming from. To devote yourself to a man in a relationship, and having lasted that long despite all the "we tried everything to have one but nothing worked out" melts my heart. And now there she was, clinging on the flimsiest hope that the man she loved her whole life will get out from the place away from defibrillator, away from another attack of arrhythmia, away from bustling nurses whenever the tracing becomes unstable. And unstable is an under rate word.

Even if the Fundamentals of Nursing taught me how to avoid counter transference and terminating a relationship with your patients, I am poor at regulating my own emotions. Simply because books can never teach human being how and not what to feel. The hardest part of my profession is to deny that at one point, you are emotionally entangled to people you know will never be there for too long.  You take care of them, feed them, change their gowns when it is soiled, give their medicines in due time, wink at them when they are looking at you and smile at their warm "thank you's". At the end of your shift, you realized that it is actually them who is teaching you to live the best of your days. I started this article inspired by someone who hold on to every unstable seconds of his life. I am immensely blessed for that little while I was his nurse, and he was my patient. I was his student, and he was my teacher. And our class that usually takes place in a deathbed, on a 12-hour shift ended when he finally let go of those seconds left.

Time. Relationships. Passion. True enough, we will never put value to anything unless we learn that our life is like a thread stretched out from its roll. At any time, it can snap away. While you might be reading this, there could have been few unsaid words we hoard to ourselves for the people we love. Say it. We might have been delaying forgiveness to the people who hurt us. Give it. We might be consumed of anger and disappointments to the people we trusts. Let go of it. Don't wait for "seconds left" to come before you celebrate life. Live it. "We're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are?" Show it.

..On Failing..

"He got a failed mark". 

This was a morning greeting when I called my auntie the other day. We were talking about my 11 year-old cousin who just entered high school. I hadn't fixed my hair yet while looking at the broad mirror and holding the phone and listening to her grumblings. I must admit that an ache reached a certain part of my heart. Not because I have too much expectations in him. Not because I love him so dearly that I am treating him like a younger brother to me. Nor because I am paying for his tuition by my own free will. It hit me because I know what he felt. Failing itself is not the issue, it's the feeling of having failed someone else that is. How come I won't know? 

When I spent my vacation last June, I saw the medals I received during my competitive years in school. All those symbolic tangible evidence of my hardships were still kept securely by my grandmother, my avid die-hard fan. It reminds me of many things; that I can't wear those metals around my neck to succinctly describe my character, that I can't make them as an extenuating excuse not to live a decent life. But the most remarkable realization was that no matter  how accomplished you are, once in your life, you failed someone. The greater pressure is when that someone keeps on forgiving you, accepting you, blessing you all the more, loving you all day in and all day out, making you feel that there's always a chance to bounce back.

Many years ago, I am like a child fear to approach my grade card to God. I am ashamed, because many times I have "failed" Him. I won't show up in prayers, and would go deaf when He would whisper. But He was persistent in pursuing me. That's how crazy He was. One day, I laid down my failed card to my Father's hand. He grabbed my cold palms, ran His warm hands and lift my down cheeks high saying, "You can always try again. I won't get tired on you. I'm not giving up on you."

How many times do you run from God's mercy? When would you give up resisting Him to do wonders in your life? How long will you run from God?

P.S.

My greatest failure is the main reason why you are reading this blog. Fail many times, bounce back double! God loves you! =)