.. Sort and Say Thank You..

I am about to get out of his room during our morning rounds when he called and handed me a piece of envelope. For attending to my impatience since the night I was admitted, he said. I reached for the envelope fearing that he might have planted a time bomb inside it and I might go home in canister of ashes. I opened it in front of him, my eyes seemed to become rounded I almost forgot that my ancestors are of Chinese in origin. It contained cash, and having dreamed of being an Accountant once, I was right that it almost amounted to half of my whole month's salary. I returned it back to him, not placing any time bomb inside it, of course. His smile fainted for a moment, and brimmed wider while he pushed the envelope again to my hands. Take it or you'll not be able to get out of my room. Oh, if only he was John Lloyd Cruz , the last option would be easier.=)

That happened 2 years ago, sometime around Christmas. And if you are wondering what happened to that content of envelope, it was fairly distributed for a merrier season of advent. I could have bought it for a nice gadget, or a signature dress or a bag with a crocodile mark. But none of these happened to crossed my mind. What caught my heart is the piece of note along with the cash of which I kept until this day on my wallet. The simplicity of the words are almost capturing I happened to practice saying it everyday. "Just for appreciation. Thanks a lot".

The year is about to culminate. Another cycle of  inevitable tear-jerker circumstances, unstoppable belly laughs, unexpected surprises, happiness according to how you perceive it, success defined according to what and who is in your top list, and situations that will enhance your heart and relationship skill. Your relationship skill with your family, your friends, colleagues, even the least lovable and adorable people surrounding you. How you gauge your present situation depends on where and to whom you put greater value in the areas of your life. Sorting them according to priority will lessen you from consuming time on finding what makes life beautiful. Because you have it all. Because He provided You with all. He scattered them around you in bounty. Now, sort!

Thank you, is hard to say when you are pacing in least likely situations. But then again, life is not a one-sided coin. I think that God made life like a coin embossed with two pictures. The first side is His picture. And the other side is still with His picture. What God wants to say? You can flip the coin in whatever way and whichever way you want, but still, you have one beginning, and absolutely one end. That makes a picture of a beautiful life. When you have God around. Because all things and people will  pass you by. Life will pass you by. Age will pass you by. Beauty will pass you by. Success will pass you by. Even love will pass you by. Flip the coin and see who won't.=)

Thank you God for not leaving my side however life is tossing me. Thank you for the people you provided to embrace me when the cold wind of life blows, for such a loving and supportive family enabling me to thank You even more, for friends who adds a little crispiness to my list of joys, for the noble job where I am at my best in giving back the love you put in my heart, for all the daily simple situations when You never fail to drop by and wave through strangers, and for the lasting embrace each and every single day I happened to open my eyes. I love you and I opted to remain in Your love. Thank you for loving me without questions ask. Grant me the grace do the same. In peace, I surrender.

Happy New Year to all of us! 

You are in my prayer. 

God loves you super duper!=)

Just for appreciation. Thanks a lot,

Kim

..feeding the hungry heart..

When I am still poor (and still am today, but just a little level up), I always wish that I will win in the lottery. I remember having sorted my long-term goals and short-term goals, and this happened when insanity hasn't caused much damage on my brain cells. One of those listed in that coffee-stained card, I bravely tried to make into reality..somehow. Money was a problem then in order to fulfill that goal, and in addition, I am not into lottery thing. Using the normal brain cells left unharmed, I got an idea from my sister who used to sell cellphone loads. In short, I was an heir of that business (a premonition of a future business venture). With the small amount I have in hand, off I went to see Love.

It was a humid afternoon, and the playground is full of kids. Yes, kids who haven't seen lately the bathroom. I arrived in the place unloading the bags of bread and packs of juice. I acted like I am waiting for someone since I do not want to catch attention from people having their picnics (and I want it secret..as much as possible). I called one kid at a time, asking his name while he is trying to fix his hair. I held out the food on his hand, and in minutes later, he is nowhere to be found. Not until I realized that he was now with a friend, and a friend of his friend, and the friends of his friend's friend..Before I knew it, we're having a children's party amidst the afternoon's heat. They sat down on the grass in groups, not talking of any sort, and I had the best time of my life to thank God that He created bread and juice. One kid approached me with that dried line thing on his nose (imagine it wet)  saying  *"Manang, pwede isa pa?". I reached out in the plastic bag, sadness filled my heart as the supply is nearing empty. It is one of those moments I wished that I am Manny Pacquiao's wife. 

It's holiday once again, and while I'm having my laundry this afternoon, I remember the kids.  They may not know my name, not even remember my face on those two encounters with them, and I too may have forgotten their names. But their eyes, their smiles, the joy I have felt when I touched those hands are so precious to me I can vividly recall them on my mind. I may have fed their aching stomach for a moment, but they fed a certain part of my heart that resonates up to this day. That part that humbles me, that part that detach me from wanting materials things in life, that part that makes me strive more not only to feed aching stomach, but to feed a hungry heart. A heart that hungers for LOVE. I may have gone home that afternoon with nothing on my pocket, but my heart cannot contain the treasure I found in giving. It hides all the joy I cannot find with all of my accomplishments. 

P.S.

I was a bit hesitant to share this story since I want to nurture my other private life. Not even my sister or my family is aware of some of my dwellings. I just would like to convey to anyone out there who might be reading this article that outside of your world, there are just so many reasons why we should LIVE. There are so many people out there who are in dire need, not only for tangible things we can offer, but our presence, our kindness, our time. Sometimes, we are too pre-occupied on how to grow our career, our business, our personal relationships that we lose track of the core essence of living. At the end of the day, who do we live for? What do we live for?

 Feed a hungry heart. You'll get sated in return=)


*Manang is a term used to address an older female.
*Can I have another one?

.. An Echo of Love..

I am on the comfy couch watching our newly  designed receiving area. I guess being sleep-deprived causes an emotional instability, and I thank moment like this when I am prompted to make an article. It's the best solitary thing in the world to do when the rest are savoring a good sleep. The gloomy weather outside is no match to the warmth of the scene on my front view. I remember painting the Nativity few years back when it became our habit to design our flat every holiday season. I am withdrawn by its serenity amidst the lights as my eyes are transfixed on the image. I can lay here still, revering on the canvass with my melting heart. Life has been hard, but life has been good to me. In Every Trial, There Is A Treasure, I recounted as I am driven away by the image of the Nativity..

I was about to enter college. Life was then hard for my family having my mom as our sole provider. It seemed that I am on dilemma taking my course since it entails a multitude of expenses. For a parent rearing 2 kids alone, I would understand if my mom would pre-empt my decision. But she didn't. I got the whole emotional support I needed without a word of uncertainty. My father left us with nothing. Or so I thought. I went home one afternoon after taking my entrance exam when I learned that my father did left us not only something, but the very treasure we needed in life. 

The afternoon of April when he passed away,  the big amount of money of the company entrusted on his hand was never touched. Gold cash. And not a single cent was missing. It was given back to his Boss complete as it was the following day of his death. "You could have used it, he was on emergency state", his Boss said. But it was too late for money to save his life. But not late for my future. I became the recipient of my father's honesty  when his Boss paid my college tuition fees! Miscellaneous included! And this happened 7 years after his death. Just in time when his daughter is in need. A father's love echoes even in grave. 

I received my diploma few years back, with some honors included. Tita Rosit, my father's Boss, my benefactor, who happened to be my Ninang also, was there with me. The hardships and toiling days now counts to be the stepping rock to see a greater, more fulfilling and comfortable life. You see, those dark pieces did not make sense, not until all the pieces fits together to complete the whole picture. Back then, I may have asked God why good people suffer. Fast-forward to the present, I can now answer that good people suffer, so they become better.

I'd like to offer this article to everyone out there who are in pursue of their dreams, who are in doubt for that dream to come true, and still waiting for a dream to be fulfilled. I was once in your shoe, you are not alone. Dragging days may give you failing hopes, and it's ok. What's not ok is to believe that dreams are just dreams. So gather your strength, no matter how faint it is. I believe that help is always out there. It may come from the most unwanted circumstance, unwanted dark piece, and most hurting experience. Believe me, I also thought that it's just a cliche that there is treasure in every trial. Not until I reach the stage of harvesting the fruits of that trials. I'm with you in dreaming your dreams. Keep the faith!=)

..Pedicab and Forgiveness..

We entered the courtroom, he was there handcuffed. I was clutching at my mother's hand as we are nearing the seat. I never saw his features since he was facing the lawyers and the Judge head-down. We were there waiting, with my family still in sorrow for the unanticipated loss. It was a peaceful trial because he pleaded the word we all been waiting for. Guilty. "10 years imprisonment for the case of Homicide", we heard the verdict. I thought that it only happens in movies, but as the Judge held the wooden hammer after he pleaded guilty, I know that justice was served for my father.

Life went on for the whole family after that morning scene in the courtroom. And life was indeed hard for the past years without someone to drew strength from. You have to grow beyond your biological mind age to compensate with the demands of life. There are days when I have to ask God why good people suffer. He is only silent though, as He always was. Days turned to months, and months swiftly turned to years. We endured that dark piece season of our lives. Because God remained faithful despite of my lose grips. In His silence, He blessed me in abundance with the right people to inspire me to remain good when life is not, to keep my joy when smiling is an effort, and to trust Him even when it is daunting.

It was a scorching afternoon when I waited for a pedicab to bring me to school. I'm about to graduate then in high school. I was bothered though when I was noticed not to ride on a certain pedicab. "He killed your father", was the remark. He had availed a parol, 3 years earlier than the verdict. I felt the fear seven years ago when I first entered that courtroom.  For the first time, I saw his face in that pedicab..sweating to make his family's needs. Enduring the afternoon heat to earn a living. I should have felt that hatred when I was only 9, and I cannot understand why good people suffer. But I do not know why my heart aches for that man who gave us that dark piece season.  Maybe because life has its own way of training me to be a better person.

On my father's 10th year death anniversary, 10 days after the date of his death, we received a news that the man who murdered him died the same way as he was killed. My family remained silent for we already surrendered all the pains of loss years ago. As what our Priest adviser said, the universe has its laws. I do not feel vindicated in all honesty, because just like the days when we are suffering and aching with our loss, his family underwent the same turmoil. They also lost a son, a brother, a friend. They also missed countless Christmas Eves without him and days and months and years waiting for his freedom. I believe that in those days that he was inside the prison, missing his youth days when he is supposed to be building a family of his own is enough for him to realized the irrevocable "if only". That ache in my heart has finally sought an answer. When I saw him trying to make things right with the remnant of stigma thrown by the society, I know God is working behind my pains. I know God has healed that hatred. I know God never stops doing His miracles. Because deep in my heart, I have forgiven the man in Pedicab. 

Thank you Lord for breaking me once, and for that dark piece that I held so bright today. Thank you for not letting me dwell on hatred and fear, but for continuously working on my life so I can be able to forgive, to love abound, and to love again and again and again.

This anniversary article is dedicated to those who are in grieve for a loss,  for those who stubbornly not able to forgive..yet, and anyone of you who are having a share of dark piece. Yes, we come to a point of questioning God's kindness and mercy. I can tell from experience. Sometimes, it takes years for us to understand our countless questions because we are utterly pained and bruised. Remain anchored in your faith, because everything comes to an end. My prayers to all of you, and may the miracle of God who is always at work shines your dark piece. You knows, it'll turned out to be your brightest.=)

P.S.
To this writing, I have told my sister of my secret wish for such a long time. That one day, I could visit a prison cell, hold hand with the stranger inside and say "You are forgiven".

..an anniversary Thank You..

I was sitting on the chair next to the calm beach. It's about 5 o'clock in the morning, and I can feel the 15 degrees temperature lashing my every muscle. I remained there, watching the sea and the horizon unveiling its magnificence. I was taken aback by its beauty and stillness, gratitude is engulfing me tight as I recalled the faithfulness of God. He was there and always was. The more that my vision scanned the wide-spaced sea, the more it made me realized that His love for me is wider than this. Sky is the limit. I never felt so close to Him lately than being here watching the streaks of sun rays peeping among the clouds as if saying "I'll change the gloomy sky if you believe in Me". I waited for more minutes, savoring the fresh air and slow-pacing time while I do not worry of anything else except to taste every moment of idleness. There's so much peace in my heart, there's so much love filling in it. The struggles from the past are now memories to look back and thank the Lord for the strength I never imagined I possessed in conquering whatever He had given me. Looking back, the pieces of puzzles in my life made sense. It's true that you'll never know the purpose of that dark piece unless it fits to complete the whole picture. And while I am waiting for the sun to completely occupy the sky, there are pieces of my life's picture come flashing before the horizons. I am thankful for them for they made me feel so blessed. I am thankful for them for they made me the person unreluctant to savor both the joy and pain, ready to face whatever storm that will rock my inner peace. I gaze on the priceless stretches before me, it is as calm as what my heart feels right now. I can embrace life in all its splendor, for I know that life will end anytime. For now, I am just wiping the tears blocking my eyes, they got the way I'm seeing the wonders of life.

On my blog's 2nd year anniversary, I want to share with you those pieces as a way of thanking you all for the precious time you've given me every time you open this page, my hideout, my 3rd place. You may not know me personally but still, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you for making my life so much beautiful.=)