..please remember..

It feels good to have your articles shared on someone else's  page. I never thought that this place, my Third Place, a vent out for the words I'd rather scribble than say,  would reached as far as 93 articles as to this writing. Again, I do not claim any glory for anything. I have countless loopholes and feebleness  as may everyone of us has, I believe. I thanked my frailties that it made me revere for what I consider my strengths. I thanked my patent veins and arteries for a fully functioning optimism in my system. I choose to bounce a leap higher after some jaded memories trying to occlude the good flow of my enthusiasm towards life. I reckon that it made my frontal lobe got an itch to make more of logical reasons and for me to heed them. 

Today is one of those days when I am having a good taste of rest. Some kind of like being seated on a remote corner of coffee shop, reluctant to read a good book since the aroma of the brewed coffee waiting to be poured on a cup makes your tummy grumbles; and you cannot define whether it's just a response of your stomach's parietal cells for the stimulated sense of smell or just a tummy-jolt for the joy in doing absolutely nothing. Forgive me for being melodramatic in some sense but you see, I don't often have an ample time since rest seemed to become a luxury. I've been a disturbed soul for the past days and for someone who's a proactive and having a one-digit census in the ward is quite a distortion in my routine. Keeping still has become a torture,LOL At any rate, I cannot just simply ignore the bliss of being quiet, count my blessings, having sometime to rectify plans, staying fit by dropping by the gym and well, cleaning my "memory closet". I concluded in my idle times that you cannot trust your subconscious for there is no guarantee that it will be impervious from once in a while flashbacks. Memory, oh, memory.

The sound from the nearby mosque aided me of the existing time, of which I am oblivious of.

And to the one whom I missed:

I will dance to the colors of prism emanating from the drizzles

I will keep my spontaneity and sense of humor

I will be sated by the warmth under my feet, knowing that I could still feel

I will bask to the smile and tears the memory brings

Until the day it stops guessing
These words, please remember.

I will have you in my memory..

..live anyway..

 One of my simple joys when I'm on bed is to  have my legs elevated on the pillow. The bedroom light was already turned off and my lazy eyes are ready to doze off. Yet, I can't allow to let this day pass by ignoring the wonders of being alive. Though I'll be honest that the past days were dragging days for me, a toil I will not share anymore cause being sad is as infectious as being optimistic. The temperature in the East, I wished, can fry even the little emotional ordeal I'm trying to shrug off. I just have to deal with it gracefully, peacefully, and gorgeously (as needed). 

I went to the bathroom to do my pre-slumber ritual. I turned off the lights simply because I just wanted it off. I cringed for the dark, blamed my unconventional thinking but stayed on the throne anyway. The slimy window, I noticed, emit the flimsiest rays of lights which in turn lightened the comfort room. Looking at the mirror in silhouette moments, I've proven that God's creation is never a mistake=)

You may feel like you are in the dark room right now. You will frown for a moment, be sad for days, cry a little, shed tears; you closed the door for a choice and stayed in the throne of loneliness. It may look like it's impossible for the light to creep through. The hand of hope will surely reach for you, it may not be immediate but it will surely touch you. So live anyway!

There might be dreams that you might think had reached the dead end. People around you seemed to quit believing that one day, you'll get to your destination. The road feels like full of rocks and bumps someone during the night scattered them when you were busy dreaming for your dreams. Keep steadfast, for rocks can be sweep aside and bumps can be overcome with tires of strength and perseverance. So live anyway!

Your job may not be producing your desired fruits. It drains your joy and not making your bank account fat. It seems like enthusiasm was left on the punch out machine and you declare it's out of service. Keep paddling though, for waves will pacify with the rising of  the sun. Pray for your hands that they may be a source of inspiration, for your feet that others may also dream to propel forward. Pray that others may realize that even a hopeless tree can still bear fruit when touch by the greatest Man ever alive. So live anyway!

Your heart may be ruthlessly broken over and over again. Love seemed to be a scarce commodity you think that heaven must have hoard all the cupids. Take heart, and defy the scarcity. For one day. the sleepless nights and tears will say thank you it was all worth it. You still got a heart, and it is very capable to love. So live anyway!

You may be in profound sorrow, impossible situations, and unrelenting ordeals you don't want to give it a try. Stop. Stop listening to the voice that wears you down and tears you apart. The clouds will be driven aside, the sun will majestically take the front and it will blast a glorious rays you know it's worth giving life another try. So live anyway!

I may not be in good emotional physique but I will not surely sit in the throne of loneliness for prolong duration. As what I can reiterate, I'm still a concoction of pessimism and optimism. And I chose to be happy despite of dot dot dot. I'm still so alive. And so I'll live anyway!=)

My battery is running out. It's time to bid goodnight.

Wishing you a blessed weekend! 

God bless everyone!=)

..I'll collide with you if the universe will someday conspire..

" A guy and a girl can just be friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever"- Dave Matthews Band

There's a tinge of fiasco when you think haphazardly. You make rules and then break them. For man by nature is indeed rebellious. Say no and he'll find a sure yes. I'm still a private person and I indulge with my own mysteries. Of course he knew that, being the one who claimed to have known me since then. What will make me flare up and what will soothe my tantrums. Maybe because we were so accustomed with each other we overlooked what was there. You love signs and you look for them as much as you can. While I, I make them happen for you. I wished you knew how to read signs, so you could have read clearly and we could have collide. But I guess we always are destine to be separated by principles, by the situation, by our own personal choices, and that one thing I cannot risk over the thing we hoped for to happen. You tried to live your own bliss and I'm happy. Because that's what I've always been hoping for you. But why we can't get out of the circle? Of which we always end up visiting that point where everything felt just so right? And end up in the realization that reality speaks loud you have to listen to them. Or else, I'll be dwelling in the thought of which you are giving me unintentionally since then. Will there come a time when we can just sit down, I can look in your eyes and I'll never see those stares of blame while you'll never see from mine the stares of  "could it really be?". Will you ever be courageous when I have all the hold backs and fight it all through the end somehow? When you will not put me in a situation where I can avoid the thought that I am a second best? 

I should not be entertaining these questions anymore because it had long been dwelt of head up high. It's just that we are always back to that inevitable point when it seemed that nothing has changed or it's just the way how I looked at it. I hope we can eventually move out and stop the vicious cycle.

This is just another rumblings of a haphazard mind. I'm clinging on to my own rules, of which I hope I will not break anymore. Love can manifest its fragility in some certain ways but it should not deviate us from our bliss. I'm happy with what the past has brought me to the present, and what it did for you too. There are things indeed that once in a while good to reminisce, resolved or not. 

I will continue living with my inner madness. I welcome possibilities, and life's surprises. Who knows, I'll collide with you again someday..if the universe will conspire once more.=)

..the way of the world..

I love the comfort of my newly received mattress from one of my colleagues. As you know, I used to sleep with a sagging foam it made me think I am weighing much more of my usual weight. Having done some self-investigation of the main root of the problem since I've been changing mattress for at least thrice already, I realized I haven't been removing the old one and just been laying over top the new one.  For which accounts why I experience the problem over and over again. I cannot let go of the old foam which is obviously affecting  the new one, no matter how new it is. I cannot, until today=)

Let Go

..of the shallowness of attachment to the things that can only give a fleeting joy, and embrace the ones that are eternally pleasant. There is always peace that comes from wanting less and thanking more. Simplicity helps you define what weighs more and those that does not have weight at all. That's the way of the world.

Let Go

..of pleasing people. They do not know what you are going through. You have an enormous power to create your own pattern by living with your gifts. People will always have something to say, but listen to your faith anyway and live an authentic life with God as your basic need. That should be the way of the world.

Let Go

..of the the clutter from bitterness and hurtful hurts. There is no future in the past. Do not allow the poison of hate to keep on circulating and controlling your life. There's always a better view after a stormy sky. 

Let Go

..of  what the future holds. There is no assurance anyway that we'll have one tomorrow. Live the best of your NOW..where others will see that life exist, life goes on and life will never wait for you. It will evolve whether you like it or not, it will pass you by whether you do something or not. Revere it and don't let it just pass by. Live it NOW.

At the end of the day, who would not want peace of mind? Who would not want genuine happiness? 

Let your soul breathe by letting go. It's the cheapest way of the world.

TGIF!=)

..more than a shot of injection..

I have given the strongest pain reliever ordered for him, but still he kept pressing the intercom button as if it's like a Patient Controlled Analgesia. It's early in the morning, and we just had finished our rounds. The rest of our patients are asleep, enjoying the dark, cold room of which I am envious of having been sleep-deprived for the past nights. The call button from his room I supposed could have been damaged from his unrelenting, impatient call. I cannot divulge the "independent nursing intervention" we did to calm him down which I believe is quite effective considering its psychological benefit. I went to his room, changed his damped hospital gown from ample sweat and well, spoiled him by applying some baby powder just to make him feel that he is being taken care justly. In a few minutes, world peace came back to our ward. 

In my hospital experience as a surgical nurse for how many years now, sometimes I find it difficult to understand the true nature of pain, being the fifth vital sign. What I understand is that there are types of pain that are concealed bearable by sunrise and surface at sunset. I can see it through the eyes of a son wanting his emaciated father to walk again, on a wife's hand on her husband's distended abdomen, wishing the drains are not there, or a patient's blank stares, hoping that he's with his family at the moment. I cannot name names what those pains are but for sure, they exist, they are felt, they are true. 

Oftentimes, because of our own difficulties in life, we overlooked those eyes, those hands, those stares.   I've learned, and I owe it to my profession, that many pains can be cured momentarily by pain killers. It may numb and block the pain receptors in the brain but will never ease the pain in the heart. I've learned that a patient's call of pain does not necessarily a call for a shot of injection. The unrelenting demand, for you to be there in the room and ask you only to turn the television is an occult way to know that someone is there. In a passive way, they just want to be reassured that you understand their pain. That being alone in the room is far more difficult than being incised with anesthesia. As what my patient said, "your smile is an opium, I could get high".

Oh well, I realized that I still have so much to learn in life. And one of those is how to believe if  the patient is telling the truth or not,LOL 

Be an opium to someone else, and be reciprocally get a "high".

Happy August!=)