..never be outdone..

photo credit: Bo Sanchez

Years ago, when I'm still cute (as my mom assured me), I joined the inter-school poster making contest. For how many years that I was joining such kind of contest, it was the first time that my mom was present. I can still remember the preparations I made then: made a draft of the theme the night before the contest, planned for the color scheme I'll be using and even the margin design, prayed over with the pencil I'll be using, laid hands over the materials and everything (can you just imagine?lol). I woke up earlier, wore the well-pressed uniform (it was not prayed-over though) and the confidence that I'll win the contest because mom will be watching and cheering.

While the contest is ongoing, I noticed that the materials I brought with me were not enough. My mother, whose eyes never wander anywhere else but to me alone noticed my uneasiness. Having had realized what was going on, she left and said that she'll be back to bring the materials I'll be needing. Thinking that it was only around 9:00 0'clock in the morning and the stores are still close, I wonder where in the world she'll knock doors. I consumed the time doing my art with the limited materials I had. All the while, my mom's back sweating, still smiling while handling me what I needed. In those moments, I know I'll be losing the chance of topping the contest. Seeing her from afar, still giving me the encouraging look that silently says "Finish your art, that's all that matters. We will go home with you as the winner in my heart".

I believe God is like my mom. He isn't concerned whether we will win the game, and not a big deal if we lose either. Surely, there will be times when we will forget what we really needed. And God, whose eyes never wander elsewhere but to us alone will make a way. We might wonder why He is silent sometimes, it's because He knocks heaven's doors to give all that we needed. In the end of all our struggles, we will realize that it's effortless to win His approval, to win His confidence on us, and ultimately His love. Because it's always there, ever present. What is important for Him is we finish the race, win or lose. We can rest assure that He'll be there, with ever loving eyes saying "You are and will always be a winner in my heart. My love for you can never be outdone".

Dear God,

 Thank you for being my number 1 fan. Remind me always,  disturb my life with Your will and not my own. Help me to finish my race with You as my end. I'll never be able to go through a day thinking of not loving You. In my quiet times, let me ponder how You were always there intervening in all the areas of mylife. I have Your eyes with me, and it's a promise I'll have Your love forever.

I choose to stay near You,

Kim

..Yes, I am=)..

I cannot thank God enough for creating me with so much love from head to foot. It's hot outside, and even the couch I am currently nailed at seemed to have a little share of the temperature. (Oh couch, how can I make you believe that it's the temperature that is hot and not the one occupying your space. But if you insists, then let it be. I'm too blessed to be stressed,LOL)

It's past 1300H when I woke up from a good nap. I started the day with a good bath, one that was longer with the ordinary days. I stayed under the water, letting it wash away the day's impurities. I let my thoughts take a halt for the meantime and just indulge with the warmth running through my skin. Felt much of my family's hug. I lingered to the moment when everything is simply taken away by thank you's. I cannot hear anything but the water trampling down my feet and my heart beating with so much gratitude I could taste my tears. The minutes turned to a time I am oblivious of, yet I exists to the moment when all is simply simple. I emerged from the smoky bathroom and wore my blue-laced dress. Fixing my hair, I happened to had a glimpse of my own image in the mirror. God, I'm 27! The reality sinks in and I, having befriended optimism, embraced the blessing wide arms open.

I'd like to share this very moving words from my patient:

"I came to the hospital and paying quiet good amount because you are here. The nurses visit me every now and then, the doctors check on me everytime. I feel people around me. At home, I'm alone. I have kids but they have their own family to tend. I wanted to stay here because people are here"

How many of us see and not just merely look at the people around us? How many of us hear but would not listen to them? Aware of their presence but would not feel for them? Thank God I don't need to pay to have people by my side!

Today, I am celebrating another fruitful year. No party this time, no loud noises, no headturner's get up. I realized that my relationships with people are far more valuable than anything my money can buy. A lesser attachment to material things and a closer grasps of lingering acts outweighed the happiness I kept within. I wanted to be "where the people are", give myself to mirror the love God has for them and simply love life madly, enormously, without inhibition, but to God's will alone.

I am no millionaire, just living within my means. Someday, if the mad world will ally with me, I would want to be a gorgeous Philanthropist=) Wishes are powerful,LOL

Thank you for filling up my super huge, humongous and healing love tank! I'm 27, yes I am!=)

...for there are roads that need to be tread..alone...

I grabbed my bag and hurriedly took a seat at the farthest end of the bus. I said my usual concise prayer, asking for the enormous strength I needed for the day. I can feel a monotonous atmosphere inside the bus. In my view from afar, I can see the routine fixing of the hair which I translated as the effect of having had a dysfunctional alarm clock. From my right view is the yawning and once in a while leaning of head against the seat’s head part. The engine of the bus started, another journey is about to take….

I had deliberately fought the good fight of my own solitude. I don’t know if I should be concern of my love of being alone. I just wanted to take sometime unloading all the things I am oblivious of absorbing. You might think I’m emotionally unstable and this is just one of the melodramatic piece I am capable of doing. Well, there’s a grain of truth in it. But who among you can courageously tell me that you, once in your lifetime had never become emotionally unstable, because you have never yearned for the same tranquility? You will find it difficult to understand my musings if you were perfectly and emotionally grounded; if you never experienced to have some sense of wanting of a definite "space". Pilgrims will agree that they defy whatever is definite, for no one stays in the same place all throughout their lives. We evolve, just as the bus moves forward. It leaves something from behind when it started to move, and expects something that lies ahead as it propels forward.

I am a pilgrim in my own definition. I confess that in my 26 years of existence, I’m still finding my own “space”. I cannot feel the truest sense of inner peace, of genuine lasting happiness, and a sense of plenary gratification. Though if I’ll brag, and which I do not wish to do, because I might in a way be held to being complacent in life and by then I’ll stop evolving and busting through. I thank my God for my instability in some aspects, because it fuels me to continue finding that space. And in search for the things that’s drawing me back to the presence of abyss. It won’t let go, it will continue being dormant till I have fully understood my own journey.

I phoned my mom today. I believe this is the weirdest phone call she had ever received from me....

 “Hi Ma, how’s everything with you?” “I’m at the pharmacy buying my medicines. You might be missing me so much you’re calling me much often these past days”, she said while I’m hearing the drafts of  utility vehicles moving around. “Actually, I call because I wanted to cry. I’m all good don’t worry. I just want you to know that at this moment, I want to cry. Did you ever feel the same before?” I heard her contagious laughter on the other line. “You must really be missing me. I think it’s normal for someone who hasn’t been home for 3 years. You are anticipating what will happen next the moment you come home. Or where will you be after you leave where you are at the present.” I was listening intently to her words. It’s the first time I sought her opinion over matters like this at this moment of different timelines and immeasurable distance. But I felt her want to be with me. “Are you happy, Ma?” my follow up inquiry in cracked voice. “Yes, I’m happy”. “What makes you happy then?” I interrupted. “Whenever I think of you and your sister. What you have achieved and where both of you in the present. As long as you two are ok, I am happy”. I can hear her encouraging tone, making me feel secure that wherever I may go, the pilgrim will end in our home. I hung up the phone with an I love you from her, wiped the tears that had long been felt since the day I had written the worst article.

I was back again in the odd moment sitting inside the bus where I can see the flimsy plant swaying among the wind. It’s cold inside the bus and I can’t gauge the temperature outside. I am presently fix on the plant enduring whatever temperature there is for the moment. It bends without complaining, it dances where the wind suggests. It doesn't fear if by any moment its slender body will no longer tolerate the pressures it receives. The plant must have found its space...that's why it stood still amidst almost everything.

In a while, the sun will rise again. I'll be riding the same bus, but will be trudging a different journey. It might be the same route but different conviction, same path with different experience.

In life though, in our many roads to choose from, there are definitely some roads we need to tread..And some of them needs to be tread...alone. Til we find the space to fit in to.

Still, this life is worth living. Our God is worth praising. I'll sleep for now. It's another day.