08 March 2012

..because I chooses to..

They say that the things you'll regret the most are the ones you haven't done over than the things that you did. I don't know the veracity of these words since I'm skeptical when it comes to hearsay. Nevertheless, I don't wish for a moment to be the solid living proof. I am radical and well, psycho most of the time. But it's my insanity that keeps me sane and grounded. Thank God I attended my Psychiatric lessons in college-an accidental everything that fits so uniquely right. 

Looking at the gloomy sunrise, I happened to have a time-travel down the memory. It was as if the clouds was the theater and the sky was the screen. I cringed over what I saw. I hated the actress of the show. I hated the plot. The whole story combined. I hated me. It's as if no matter how I tried to break the chain of an unfathomable nightmare, the whirlwind keeps pulling me down leading me back to that very piece I consciously labored to overcome. I felt the anguish tormenting my soul. I was broken again.

 I could not lavishly proclaim the life I lived. I am just a "Peter" walking on the water. Crippled by a sly wind, drowned by sly pressures of life. Over and over again, I chooses to keep my feet back to the ground. No matter how hard it is to look at myself in the mirror, to not to succumb to my own fears and transgressions. Because I want to make myself believe that everyone has his or her own stories to tell. That it just so happened that mine had an insolent part. And there's no way of getting things back; what I've lost and what I allowed to be taken away from me. The resonating chasm won't just let me enjoy my peace. Which is so unfair. Unfair because I have been wounded and all just to pull back the pieces. That one day I may be able to look back again in the mirror, loving who I am seeing just as she didn't left me since the day I hated her. I can't cry for I had already learned how to tame my tears, that one day when I'll be able to feel that warmth on my cheeks again, it would be because I had overcome the abyss. 

Time seemed to evolve in a double slow motion. I can feel the weight on my chest. The tear ducts are out of my control, they have their minds of their own. I wept.. I am human.. I am back on myself..

Though Chameleon does exudes optimism, she has her own stories of struggles, of being wounded, of brevity, of healing. I looked up to the same sky that reminded me of my pains. I know it will be there to humble me to look at other people with worth and dignity . Because in every gestures, of the unsaid story in their eyes are the people whose stories was once mine. 
I'll continue to endure, I'll continue to live, I'll continue being healed..because I chooses to. 




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