..coded black..

Very severe smoke inhalation. That was my case. Ashes and burns covered all over my face. I was lying on the ground, taking the remaining oxygen the earth has provided for me. My lungs are on the verge of collapsing. I was given oxygen via face mask. I inhaled to the deepest breath I can, making sure that it reaches my every alveoli. I heard the ambulance nearing my location. They mounted me up on the stretcher and hurriedly took me to the Emergency Room. I am nearing to my final destination. The clutters and chatters of bystanders and the attending doctors upon my arrival I clearly heard. They put a name tag around my wrist. I  felt the hand opening my eye  to see if my pupil's responding to light. A stethoscope was also placed over my chest, just to confirm that he had made the right assessment. In an ordinary  busy hospital day, in a moment I readied  myself for ,I heard the final diagnosis: Pupil dilated, no heartbeat. Declared arrested.  They put a black bandage around my arm, covered me with white cloth and pushed me to the empty room. In a cold hospital lobby miles away from the people I love, when half of the world is busy with their lives, there I laid lifeless. And in  few minutes that I waited, I heard the voice saying--External Disaster Drill culminated.

This is one of our hospital's enumerable activities in preparation for the accreditation. I was chosen to participate in the drill, I just never expected to be given the role of playing someone who died. So that's how it felt to be coded black, or dead. Though it was only a drill, I still felt my tummy turning back and forth as if today's gonna be my last show on the face of the earth. Steve Job could have been right when he said that dying is a potent change-agent. If you know the end of your time, you'll do the best that you can to LIVE. After the drill, I thanked God for the chance to experience how it is to die. Now I know.=)

..how can I not believe?..

It's been another week of memories. Sometimes, I just wanted to be in my second place most often to hasten the days. Yes it's really tiring being a nurse. But so far, it's one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. God really knows how to keep me going. Even in my desert days, He never failed to send me oases.

My shift's about to end last Tuesday. My patient who happened to be an Indian nationality is for discharge. He was transferred to our ward because of trauma accident in the site of his job. Unluckily, his insurance was disapproved. In short, he has to pay the entire hospital bill in gold cash. He was summoned by the manager on duty. I was inside of his room and heard all the words no one wanted to hear. None of  his facial expressions escaped from my gaze. For someone who's also a foreigner, I feel for him. For someone who had been there in his situation is like seeing the memories on rewind mode. It's hard for us nurses to witness such a scene. We can care for our patients' need no matter how hard they are to be meet but when it comes to matters like this, we can barely witness. Or so I thought.

I went out of his room with the picture of what had happened illustrated in my mind. That's  the difficult part when you are bound to sympathize because you can't get away of the need to do something. And a voice inside me says I need to do something. I don't know how but I went back to his room. I asked for the amount  he's oblige to pay and though I'm not a mathematician, it costs almost half of my year's salary. I again felt the heaviness as I saw his tears started to well his eyelids. "My boss is hard to dwell with when it comes to money matters", he said as I interrogated him of the possible source of help. I suggested if he can ask help from our insurance approval section who happened to be an Indian nationality. And if they can provide the police report the manager is asking from them so he can be free from paying cash. "There is a medical report but it would be available tomorrow for stamping". Then it's another additional payment should he cannot discharge today. I really wanted to lay my hands over him and say a prayer, but as touching him might convey a different meaning, I closed my hands together and say my silent prayer. I believe it was such a pure intention, that He will provide means in an impossible situation. I went out of the room again and continue my other obligation. In a matter of I guess 15-20 minutes, my patient's relative handed to us the clearance! It was not clear to me how that happened. We were just talking of their dilemma and there it was, the paper clearing them of financial burdens!

We were not able to talk again before they left but as they wave their hands goodbye, I knew it was and only Him who did the impossible possible.

I left my second place, the hospital smell, with overwhelming joy. God indeed, is the best specialist of "Impossible". This is a blessed week,. I just love being a nurse!

"How can you not believe Kim?"-God

..a candle intended for me is intended for you, too..

Photo credit to Saleh

The moon lights the clear sky with few twinkling stars. I can feel the wind now subsided from emanating humid touch on my face. It's such a perfect night on the rooftop, the citywide is immersed with glowing lights from households and streetlamps. I took sometime taking shots of the quiet city from where I stand. Since it's my friend's 28th birthday, we brought with us two bottles of drinks. I said my birthday wish for her that went like: "Lord, I hope You will entrust him to me . But since my friend is now celebrating her 28th, I'd rather wish you grant her the boyfriend she's asking before You grant mine=) And the moon knew our silly laughs and jovial wish!

The past days were a bit of toil for me. Not because I have major issues in my personal life but because the people I love has. I always look at the sunset with the optimism of the rising sun. Everything that the day brings commence at sunset-the toxic duty, irate patients and their relatives, demanding doctors and sometimes, uncooperative work mates. But you cannot stop the sun from rising at the East-and this comes with my hope that the people I cared for will see what I'm seeing at the dawning of sunset. 

Though I have my own things to ponder upon, I cannot just be naive. I cannot act as if I do not care because it's hard to pretend that you don't. Then the others' weight become yours too. And you become dense, the magic "sponge" becomes soaked. Don't get me wrong but I love to listen, I love to impart what I have in anyway it can go along, I love to be on somebody's shoe and be part of their own walk. But at times, there are moments that you wanted to try to fix it all and you get weary realizing that you are not the Genie in the bottle. 

My secret way to get through is to ask. I often ask favor. I often ask someone to visit a church and light a candle for me as my alibi. Then out of pity for me, or let's just say subtle emotional manipulation (haha), I would receive an affirming answer. It's then I would start my secret job (which is not a secret anymore) to utter my prayers, hoping that the light emanating from the candle will aid the hand that eagerly lit it. That in every melting wax comes with it the melting of the pain they bear. There would be some of you who are now in such an inevitable situation of pain. And as of this writing, I too is feeling that pain for such a dearest friend. Whatever situation you might be undergoing now or struggling to overcome, remember this short story of Aladdin and the magic lamp shared to me by my spiritual mentor:

Aladdin discovered a dirty lamp. He then, without any second thought rubbed the lamp and the magic happened. The rest is history...But why did Aladdin rubbed the lamp in the first place? Because it was dirty.

We are the lamp. And we are all dirty.

And because we are dirty, God will never give up rubbing us until that magic happens. Yes, it would absolutely hurt. You will feel every pressure, mourn on every friction. But God will never leave you undone, until you are being cleaned up..until the magic happens.

Can you do me a favor? Please light a candle for me=)

..inspired by Red..

Have you ever experienced dragging your feet off  from bed and finding anything to keep you going? I happened to read an article way back 2 years ago. It was about someone who is undergoing an emotional ordeal. Basing on the tone of his ink, he was running from his love ones on the fear of rejection. It's as if he wanted to "pay" the sins he didn't specified by running away..By cleansing his soul, he imposed self-punishment. He turned away from the people he loves and who loves him. These lines hit me the most.."With tears in my eyes, I've fallen asleep. I woke up the next day, and I knew I was never alone".. I re-read his story over and over again, feeling his own pain and desolation. I understand his own idea of running away to keep himself and the people around him from hurting. Whenever I'm feeling the weight of the world about to touch my shoulders, I always remember his lines. Human as I am, bumibigay din ako minsan..

Today, I happened to read again another article from him. It is very comforting knowing that I found a hint that he's on his way of healing from whatever wounds he used to run away from. Let me share to you his article I received just today:

His waking moments are filled with thoughts that bring the morning to a standstill. The sun has barely touched the corners of his room, yet his heart already looks for the moon’s soft glow. For this man, each day has become marked with wisps of silent struggles between laughter and tears, of strength and weakness, of hope and despair. His soul  and happiness is locked inside the gridiron battle between reason and emotion impervious to those around him.

The heart longs for another's presence who once shared its space; yet, to place one's meaning and happiness on another person does not only invite longing and pertubrbation, but also creates a void.

And for the man who is trapped in the invisible battle of reason and emotion, true peace and joy can only come when one surrenders to the healing love of Jesus Christ.

 

Hi Red,

 

Thank you for touching my heart again by the story of your pains and your healing. I will never forget those lines. And just to inform you that I remember you upon seeing sunrise.

 

 

.. My October sets out brightly inspired! and for now, I will sleep soundly tonight..=)