..and I knew.. it's not him..

With the constant silence for how many months, I was surprised to see his name on my phone's inbox. For the reason that was not so clear to me, he didn't talked to me anymore..nor share his quarrels with his GF, which is  most of the time the core topic of our conversations..the silence was disheartening, but I didn't threw even one question. I went on with my daily routines, planned how to improved my career and unconsciously forgotten about a 'bestfriend'..till one day, he texted me..again. He said he's ok and I'm glad to hear that everything went well after some glitches in his studies. The one text turned to an almost everyday texting session..and to cut this intro short, it led to "something". I don't want to elaborate what that "something" was.. He is there..I am here..and to add to a clashing situation, he is in a relationship. But then again, human by nature is  rebellious..In addition to the texting sessions were phonecalls..and there I became familiar with graveyard shifts.. and the forbidden words  lovers would say..

One day, he came home and said he wanted to see me. My ID and EGO are in conflict..but  the urge to see him is  irresistible..For the longest time, we'll be bestfriends again..in addition to that, there exist the "something" in between.  He held my sweating hands, and my heart felt much alive once more..I held his hands too, making sure not to let him noticed that I'd given it a squeezed ..Right there and then, I realized how much I missed him.. but at the back of my mind is the great worry..and guilt about someone waiting for his comeback. But I rationalized my actions..I'm happy, he's happy..

They say that it's dangerous to be so happy because it will be reciprocated with sadness,. I believed it the  time when he went back  again to "reality". I shed tears without his knowing.

The days that followed was agonizing. Though there is no strings attached and labels to our occult status, I admit that I was hurting. Hurt by the fact that I let my protected wall fell apart for someone who is not legally mine. Hurt by the fact that I cannot admit to myself and to him that yes, I am falling..in an inconsiderate situation. I have several questions in my mind and I wanted answers. So one day, I packed my things and travelled alone..just to put a rest on my queries..I texted him that I am currently in the city.
I prayed for a good sign...
I said I'll visit a particular place..he said he'll come with me..(a start of a sign). We rode going to that particular place..in the middle of the silent trip, his phone beeped, and I knew who it was. He said he's going back and that he cannot accompanied me anymore..I said ok, and to let me know if he arrived safely.

I reached my destination alone..prayed in that place tearfully..painfully..  HE has given me the answer to the sign I'm praying for,.because the moment he stepped down and decided to go back, he had already chosen..and I knew it was not I..and it was not him..and it was not meant to be..