..conquering my Goliath: The Cambodia Travel..

After making through the days of staying under the heat of the sun, travelling hours by land and by water, and the type that which your clothes haven't even dried yet, I'm up again to saunter a different kind of travel.

I have a confession to make.

I have an ostensibly poor sense of direction.

Though I love my solitude most of the time, I'd never went through any travel by myself. It's one of my Goliaths.

This year as I turned to crispy digits of 29, I figured out how it is to get out of my secluded cocoon and experience something I always wanted, but never done before. 

To travel alone.

I ensconced myself in a 10-minute drive Paradise Eco-Resort in Siem Reap, the gate way to the great Angkor Wat.

The lush green veranda welcomed me as I woke up to a fine bed of silk adorned by mosquito net. It seemed like I am existing in the 13th century atmosphere.

{BELOW} 

The incense-filled temple that was once the center of religious activities was invigorating. It swept away the scorching heat of the sun. Momentarily, I close my eyes and venerate the God I believed in.

Striding the insides of the Khmer Empire, the intricate wall carvings, the art that stood the test of time, proud of its existence despite of being ruined is undoubtedly breath-taking.

{BELOW} The mystical faces of Baylon Temple

I've never been to the highest point of my life, literally speaking, until I managed to reach the top of Baylon Temple. It's was Buddhist day, the day of their worship when I stroll around, so some of the peaks were close for foreigners according to tradition. Luckily, I was escorted by a tour guide fluent in English. I questioned my own accent. 

This photo was taken by a Canadian photographer, of whom after taking the picture asked, "did you like it?". 

And I wondered where Starbucks is located at that moment. 

{ABOVE} 

How nature can be as robust as the structures of Ta Prohm, made famous by Angelina Jolie's Tomb Raider.

More than the faces I've seen in the Baylon Temple are the faces of different people. People, whom like me, is on journey. For Service.

For Mystery.

 For Mercy

 For Life's special gifts.

For Dreams yet to fulfill.

 For Love.

As the sun beats down, and the air brushes my hair sweetened with Cambodian breeze, I realized that Time is sometimes a traitor. It slips away undetected. It doesn't wait. It passes away quietly while the world is hurling by so many noises, like it did for how many centuries to the great Angkor Wat, to the Khmer Dynasty. But we are not like these structures. We will decay in no time. We will be ruined by nature. We will be forgotten. We will be ruined by Time. 

And so while life hasn't snap away, while you can play with time, go out and explore both the nonchalant and clandestine corners of the world. Don't be afraid, for help will always come. I've seen it in the face of strangers I met, in the face of Cambodian children selling souvenirs for a living, in my driver, in Soepo, my hostess, even the intangible touches of sun and air. 

I've seen God's different faces. 

And I like it.  

..if you want to travel light..

I am waiting for my boarding time as to this writing. I was fetched by my sister from the airport yesterday. We were sharing stories as we usually do. This one grasped my heart the most....

How did Isaac found Rebecca?

Abraham was very old then when he ordered his servant to look for a wife for his son Isaac. Without Isaac's knowing, the servant travelled as far as outside the city as he was ordered. It was late afternoon, the servant  along with his camels rest near the well and prayed to the Lord:

*"You, Lord, are the God my master Abraham worships. Please keep your promise to him and let me find a wife for Isaac today. The young women of the city will soon come to this well for water, and I’ll ask one of them for a drink. If she gives me a drink and then offers to get some water for my camels, I’ll know she is the one you have chosen and that you have kept your promise to my master."

While he was still praying, a beautiful unmarried young woman came by with a water jar on her shoulder. She was Rebekah, the daughter of Bethuel, the son of Abraham’s brother Nahor and his wife Milcah. Rebekah walked past Abraham’s servant, then went over to the well, and filled her water jar. When she started back, Abraham’s servant ran to her and said, “Please let me have a drink of water.”

“I’ll be glad to,” she answered. Then she quickly took the jar from her shoulder and held it while he drank. After he had finished, she said, “Now I’ll give your camels all the water they want.” She quickly poured out water for them, and she kept going back for more, until his camels had drunk all they wanted. Abraham’s servant did not say a word, but he watched everything Rebekah did, because he wanted to know for certain if this was the woman the Lord had chosen.

Did Isaac know that his father Abraham is doing all these things for him? No.

Did Isaac asked Abraham to do all those things for him while he was busy doing the things his father asked from him? No.

Just like God who is our Father, He too works in silence for our best. Even without our asking! Even without our knowing! Sometimes we might overlook and think that God is asking too much from us. "Lord, anu na naman po ito?" But what tears that escaped our eyes that the Lord does not see? What pain that crushes our hearts that He did not feel? What cross we are carrying that He did not win? What battles are we going through that He will not triumph?

I surrender my all to You who are all-knowing, Lord. Take my yoke. You know my soul, You know my heart. My soul is at peace with Your unequivocal love. Grant me the courage to say YES to Your will as You work behind  for our "Rebekah".

With that, I know I can travel light.

.. the rear view ..

I was on a driving lesson with my uncle. The sun is about to set when I finally able to have a smooth hold on the steering wheel, sweating hands and all. Who wouldn't when you're driving without a license (hi cops out there!). 

We stopped at a nearby top of the hill. The bedazzled city started appearing with lights scattered like stars in a smoke-filled sky. I sat on the driver's seat, comparing the busy life out there and my laid-back moment in here. I saw the darkened path from behind when I glanced at the rear view mirror. The trees formed an arch alongside the street giving me an impression that I just went out from what it seemed to be a tunnel-like way. The mountain is obliterated. And lights from household also started to appear. I imagined smoke coming from their kitchen, preparing their tables, and someone must be staring down from that height. Staring at where I am. And wondering what kind of light it must be. Not knowing that inside that car, I too, is wondering what kind of lights down in there.

I started the engine again, my hands more relaxed, my heart overwhelmed with a reverberating sound. I don't know if I should call it JOY, or PEACE, or GRATEFULNESS, or probably, a concoction of both, or of all. I wonder how to freeze moments like that, when nothing seems to matter anymore. When you forgot what you worry about. When you forgot to worry at all.

I keep my hands steadied on the steer, looking at the rear view every now and then. What's left behind is utterly beautiful.

I drove home silently. I figured out our house with smoke coming from the kitchen, table prepared for dinner, and my family waiting.

I keep my hands steadied on the steer, more focused on the forefront. What's coming is perpetually promising.

I was dumbfounded.

Roads are meant to be traveled forward.

Goodnight!

..You may not know me, but I know who you are..

(c) littlerosetrove

One day, a man went to a souvenir shop to buy something for his wife. 

It's about noon time when he entered the shop and was greeted by the sales lady in the counter. 

After sometime of waiting, the lady asked what he is looking for. 

He said he want something for his wife. He hadn't missed a Sunday not seeing her.

 "Only that she doesn't recognized me. Alzheimer's", he said without a tint of regret.

"Why do you keep on visiting her when she doesn't even know who you are", the lady asked attentively.

"Because even though she might not know me, I KNOW WHO SHE IS".

It was Father's Day of last year when I heard this story in The Feast PICC with my sister. I was a first time attendee, and indeed, it's one of the happiest place on Earth. Robz and I were holding hands while we were praising the Lord for all the undeserved blessings. 

Oftentimes, I myself am undergoing episodes of Alzheimer's. It's a disease that occurs when we set ourselves apart from God. 

When job invades our time .

When bills are engrossed.

When deadlines keep knocking at our doors.

When disappointments are unbearable.

When hurts are overwhelming.

When prestige and success are blinding.

I believe God is not susceptible to memory loss, to brain hypoxia, and even to anterograde and retrograde amnesia. For even though there are a hundred and one instances we tend to stray away, you are enough to be His hundred and one reason to say, "It doesn't matter if you don't know Me. What matters is I know who you are. My beloved".

What's your "Alzheimer's"

Here's a friendly prescription:

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?

Though she may forget, 

I will not forget you!- Isaiah 49:15

..a little badge of joy..

I went out of the hospital holding an almond-chocolate ice cream bar. It's the sweetest thing I had next to the full moon illuminating the lush green garden. I put my thumb on the sky with one eye close. Nicholas Spark is right. "Wherever you are in the world, the moon could never be bigger than your thumb". It just took an ice cream to release those happy hormones. Low-maintenance chick defined ;)

Just as life undergoes different seasons, it's a gift to have a courageous spirit to endure every stage. The moments when green leaves start to turn brown, and the soil that was once capable of helping you grow is now parch. It doesn't mean that life begins to fade as well. Because living requires a decision. Everyday. Every fraction of a moment. Every strike of light from nowhere. Just as what I've said in my longtime status:

Life can be likened to season. We toil and sweat to meet the unending needs that oftentimes arise from wanting things. We cannot avoid the blaze of trials and difficulties, of losing time from unanswered opportunities, words unsaid, love never showed, embraced left untouched, dreams left unfulfilled. You feel so scorched. It's like Summer, and you wanted some rain somewhere. When things go the way we want it to be; blessings pouring, no strain of getting the latest gadget, business doing well, bank accounts getting fatter, complacency starts to set in. You forget what a hug feels like, or getting a warm smile on ordinary days, or a company of a nice stranger. Coldness knocks in your door and you wonder why. It feels gloomy. It's like Winter, and you wanted sunshine somewhere.

Life is like a season, my friend. It does not stay long. If you are scorched and burned out and all, rain will fall somewhere. Dance with it. If you got a chill when nothing seems to be changing, rays of sun will strike somewhere. Embrace it.

Seasons come and go. And before it leaves, it will teach us what matters most and who matters most in life. Whatever season you maybe, cheer up. It will not stay long. Take a higher leap. Because seasons come and go. Only God stays. Because only God is NOT a season. 

Ended up this day with another patient who underwent an open heart surgery. As I walked past the lush green garden,  licking my half-bitten ice cream, I come to think that somehow, along the grassy plains of my life, my heart is still beating. It's a little badge of joy to ponder.

Under the full moon's smile.

And a Bigger God.

Goodnight!

..how do you love your job?..

I helped him out of the bed because of urinary incontinence. It's nearly an hour since the last time I changed his beddings. He sat on the chair, watching me putting the soiled linens in a yellow plastic bag. He looked at me with face contorted for probable reasons in his mind: 1)how someone can tolerate such a nostril-stimulating-odor 2) why overly concern of already "soiled" linens, and 3) how the heck a 48kg chick manage to do that all alone. But none of these put an end to his seemingly amused face. He got up from where he was sitting, sat on the bed and looked at me..."how do you love your job?"


Let me give you the different faces of a nurse..

For parents who left their children..
(an excerpt from my 1st Anniversary article)

The best time of the month for us singles is Pay Day. That's needless to elaborate. Time to give ourselves some little pampering, feeding your vanity if ever you have one. We all our own set of obligations to the people that we love. Silently as I am enjoying that "highlight" of the month, there are other people who have there own set of sacrifices. Ate Ellen, our hippy and bubbly mother-figure, is one of them. As for the record, she hasn't been home for the last five years. Hasn't attended five birthdays of her two sons, haven't been there in their five Christmas and summers. The sick days of her Josh when she's so busy attending our sick patients or the times Aidan got high grades and mom is not around to give him a pat on the back or that cheerful mommy-hug. The countless times she wished her sons were also eating in Jollibee whenever she step foot on the food store. Whenever she would say how she missed her boys but is helpless anyway. Because the reality of life strikes hard. I cannot fathom where she is getting the strength to endure the long years of not being there as a mom; as a wife. Where she is getting the patience to wait for the sun to rise and the moon to set to call it another day. Hoping that it would turn faster to weeks, then to months and months to years until finally she will utter the words "I'm home".


For children who left their parents.

For years,  Ate Tin hasn't seen her mother who is on a battle of fighting lung cancer. Because her needs take over more than her utmost desire to go home. To take good care of her just like the way she is doing hands-on with our patients.
But this is life.
We live between the tension of two opposites.
I remember one afternoon when we are reviving a patient. It was one afternoon she received a call that has no turning point. The same time we are resuscitating our patient, is the same time her mother succumbed to her final breathe.
Life's irony at its best!

So how do you love your job?

It's because we are the first to see a newborn's eyes open, and the last to see a dying's eyes close.
It's because a shout of a doctor can be forgotten by a simple "thank you" from our patient.
It's because I was able to send a kid to school..(more to go).
It's because I've come to realize how rich I am simply by looking at my 10 complete fingers and toes, thanks Anatomy!
It's because setting foot on a non-familiar road led me to know that long distance relationship is still possible (pag Skype jud ta gah) ;))
It's because I believe I was made for this..for you, as my patient.
It's because I learned how to serve God by serving others.
It's because I do not see it as a job, but a profession.
It's because I cannot see myself being not a nurse.

How do I love my job?
.. I do not really know.  Probably because loving doesn't entail explanations. It demands actions. Service doesn't require too much words, but too much love you put into service. And that is where we are good at, that's why I cannot explain. That's why I can only show. And that's why you asked. Because you noticed.

I would like to honor all of you who are in various situations. Be it for someone who was left behind, who left a love one, who dared to go out of their comfort zones and fearlessly facing the reality of life., Let's take a moment to remember our colleagues who've been victims of deadly virus but kept their feet grounded in the name of SERVICE, who never left their post to the last breathe, never gave up being a light to the afflicted, even if it took their own lives. To give credits to all of you who are denying what is due for yourself for the sake of your family and the people who put their trust in you. To boost your courage that the true warrior is someone who possess weaknesses in the face of becoming a better person but chooses not to dwell on them but on his strengths to become the best. I would like to commend your strengths, your determination and perseverance, your sacrifices and endurance wherever it is coming from.

At the end of the day, two things will happen..

It's either you touched a life.

Or they touched yours.

Hail to the people with ugly hands but with beautiful hearts!

..if only life is as simple as watching sunset..

It was about sunset and there he was sitting beside me. I'm a bit conscious probably because it's been a whole afternoon and I smell, errr, nevermind. Or probably because I never get near too close with him all the time we were together. Or probably because I fear that he might hear my heart's lub-dub. Or simply because his presence is enough to caused me goosebumps. He never held my hands, but I wished he did. He never looked at me in the eyes, but I wished he did. Because those dark eyes are my all-time favorite.  The glance that says so much more than what he is capable of saying. The stares that swept you off your feet.

He walked me out of that green grass where we sat watching the river. If only life is as simple as watching sunset, I can stalk him watching sunset forever. I kissed him goodbye on the cheek, and again, wished that it was somewhere else. So he'll have all the firsts'. 

Seeing him standing far as the jeepney moves away, and turning my back around brought a pinch of pain that a Cadburry chocolate failed to soothed. Perhaps, it's true that in life, there's a one true love snapshot. 

Moved by the beauty of sunset on my way home, far from that river where he and I visited once many many years ago one summer afternoon, where love simply lost its ability to be spelled and define, memory brought me there again.

No matter how picturesque a sunset is, it's impossible to own it. He is too beautiful to be own that in the process of showing his light for me, he had forgotten how to show that light for himself. I don't want to destroy that light.

I've learned that in life, you have to learn to open your palms. To set something free. To know that if you're not capable to give what he deserves, be generous to allow the person to receive what he deserves..from someone else. It's awful that way. But nothing in life is easy. Nothing in love is easy. 

There's so much in young love I can go back to. Sunset, usually reminds me of it.