..just keep on pushing..

It was one day of energy and enthusiasm when I finally made the last charting, medication and bedside care for my two patients. The last three years, this has been the content of my everyday activities, and I thank God that He created me to be an advocate for the sick. I signed the last pages of my nurses' notes, surveyed the place I'll detach myself for the meantime, and the people that made significant imprints in my career. I never been so in love with my profession, not until death beds taught me to love life deeply with compassion. 

I hurried towards the elevator, smiling at the image I saw in the mirror. Just as I'm about to push the close button, someone is in a hurry to have a ride too. He's in his 20's riding in a wheelchair. He smiled brightly, and it was the most genuine smile I've seen for that day after a load of tasks in my shift. I was waiting in anticipation that someone is pushing his wheelchair, but he's as quick as saying that he managed to ride that chair by himself and manipulated it with a breeze. His speech is a bit distorted while he relates to me that his mother is admitted. I close the elevator and commended his efforts, as if we've known each other somewhere before. I offered to give him a push, and he was so thankful, but it was effortless because he was well-equipped in moving the wheelchair aided by his feet. I cannot even see a faint of  bitterness in his face. He is a handicapped. And he keeps on moving forward, he just keeps on pushing. "You are the most beautiful thing I ever saw today", I told him. And I bid him goodbye. He smiled, and went away in that throne that was his world. 

I always feel lucky having been able to see what others cannot see, and experienced what others could only read in a book. In a rush hour where elevators are just mediums to bring people to where they want to be, I felt that it became a stage where God showed a little piece of heaven. As I continue to walk in life, I will remember my own inner "handicaps", too. It's something that will not stop me to miss the bounty and yet to unfold beauty of life, but something to ring a bell to keep my feet on the ground, and my heart to heaven's above. 

He has access to your heart, just keep on pushing!=)

..that different kind of love..

"When you have your own kids someday, make them feel that you love them equally. No favorites played." I was preparing the due medicines for her mother when he approached me and said these words. I can sense some pain coming  from someone who must be a victim of favoritism. I don't know their family background and so the best thing  I did was just to listen. "She loved him dearly eversince he was a boy and now that she's sick and dying and is empty-pocket, he never gave glance at her". I took a while to stare at her on the bed, her right hand tapping her side as if she is putting a baby to sleep. At 84, it's been her habit to do like that since the day she came to our unit.  She has loving eyes that seemed to be waiting for a familiar face that didn't show up for years. I don't know if my mom feels that way too when her first born hasn't been home for years...

It's still dawn, and I can't force my eyes back to a good snuggle with my pillows. I woke up from a bad dream, a terrible one, and I don't want to remember a bit of details from it. The dim light from our room cannot pacify the fear that comes from the thought of that dream. I'm 27, and I confess that  I haven't outgrown yet being a crying baby when nightmares creep in. It takes a tearful prayer before I became sober. And when the fear subdued, I hold on for the remaining days when a woman would held my legs on her lap and examined the details, veins included,  and would conclude that I have small feet for my age. She doesn't often say she loves me, but her touch is more than all the words combined for a louder "Iloveyou". I know she has a strong faith in me that I can be more responsible with myself the day she freed me from her comfort zone, that I can handle my nightmares now that nobody will be there to wake up and say, "it's only a dream". When I asked her one time what she wanted me to give her, aside from grandchildren,  all that she had said was "just come home". For years, I've been looking for a guide to nourish my faith but it's only when I was away from home did I realized that I was given one the day I was born. A resemblance of selfless love when she opted not to get married again after being widowed at 32, of self-denial when she dropped off everything for herself to cater our needs, to live in grace trusting that God has ears for those who cling to Him. She's always been generous, to the point that she now lives alone in our house because she gave us the chance to live our dreams, learn from our mistakes and understand that we live only once and that we are not getting any younger. She's at peace even when storms are battering her strength. It's always a mystery to me how she'd done all those things. I guess, I'll be able to understand it all when I would be in her place. One day.

I may have been in a romantic relationships, but I will always search in my heart that different kind of love. And I'll get a taste of it in the days to come. 

I'll be home.

..when life requires a PUK code..

I cannot use my phone today. I woke up in the middle of a good sleep and realized that I wasn't able to set my alarm. I grabbed my phone  only to find that it required me to enter the security code. With one-eye-forced-to-open, I confidently entered the 4-digit combination but was denied 3 times until it finally required me the PUK code. Uh-oh, not when I have forgotten where in all my clutters did I place that small piece of paper I find its worth just today, not when all the numbers are stored in that tiny hard square with a bigger memory, not when I cannot memorize even my own number. The thing is, what happened has already happened. And so I went back to sleep, hugging the pillows occupying the bigger space of my bed. I cannot set aside the hundred things that are going right just because of one glitch of a day. Gratefulness taught me to look things that way.

You see, there are many instances when we feel that we can beat the odds and that we are invincible. I often have that feeling too, especially when my prayers are answered and I get to get the things I wanted. Humbling experience comes when we come to face circumstances when life is asking us a PUK code to genuine happiness, to worthy success, to die for relationship,  to unrelenting inner peace, to love unbound. If you trim it down to the last piece, we often find in our sullen days that the only code we needed is the one that never rusts through seasons, never fade in each passing day, never depreciates whatever worth we find in ourselves, and never asking but accepting.

Are there things in life you are eager to unlock? Use the most important code-- > G.O.D

P.S.

It can never be misspelled. =)

..die a little , bloom again..

The parched alley to where I was trudging determines the temperature of the day. Cars were randomly parked it didn't seem they were on a parking lot. I was hoping to see some other shades of happiness, but none was there. All the flowers in the garden already withered, and no remnant can clearly show to me a hint of possibility that somehow, somewhere in that place, hope sprang once upon an arid summer. Dismayed for a glimpse of hope, I opted to sat where I can still see the greater picture of the vicinity. I indulged to the moment when privacy befriended solace, and solitude brings forth a remarkable opportunity to glance back to how it is when you hit a point when it feels that things are starting to die out, and soon "withered" on its time. Seasons are made for a change, indeed.

In between those times of solitude, I tend to retract to my own cocoon. For staying in that place is a safe haven, that being quiet is more comforting than having anything to say, and learning to listen to that inner voice teaches me to stay guarded along the process of recuperating, regenerating, rebuilding. In that way, I am more convinced that when the time is right to get out of that shell, I am more ready to love again, prepared to be a comfort for others without losing something of myself  but gaining more of  what I might lost, and finally, to be able to listen intently when it's time for others to have their own share of being "withered".

For the moment, I can't see that shade and I am thankful. Because I have all the time to merit the things I am capable to do when I'm ready to bloom. I always believe that apart from the changes that are happening outside my world, God is transforming me beautifully, magnificently and miraculously within. I just need to die a little before I can bloom again.

..this side of heaven..

It's one of those days when I just want to feel sheltered from the enumerable drafts of life. That's the hard part when everything seems to be alright, you look for driving force to stay up and afloat. 

I pushed the door and settled myself in my favorite corner. As usual, I'm the luckiest girl being there alone and savoring the sultry side of being single. I've been thinking of making a post, but I was not able to bring with me my laptop. I ordered my usual favorite drink and lazily sat on those comfy sanctum. It's a big relief and surely became my habit to spend afternoons with myself. It seemed like nothing's wrong in the world, and that it is incapable of throwing injustices to gentle souls. I was not born a pious person, nor my little acts of piety save me from those moments when I become vulnerable to what I call "fits" of melancholia. "Dry your tears" said by my Indian friend when I came to her and said that I don't feel good when I woke up that day and unknowingly, tears are falling from my eyes. I can't even give a ring to my mom to avoidfrom giving her some things to worry about. As what I can reiterate, it's not always good when life gives you everything that you needed.

I asked for a paper and a pen from the guy in the counter, I tried to write some notes but I decided to be still and just enjoy the moment of doing nothing. I left the coffee shop and went inside the nearby store. I had a cone of vanilla icecream and chocolate chip cookie. Extra calories to brighten my day. I continued reading the book I can't finish for weeks due to some shifts of schedule. "Why bad things happen to good people?" If I have not known the author, I might say he had read my second year anniversary blog with the same question.=) 

The heaviness I felt was somehow relieved. I am not the type of person who would wallow in those moments of "fits". I have my ways to shake things off and call it a day no matter what. Even if it means spending time alone, or reading a good book while licking some vanilla icecream, or riding the bus with chocolate chip cookie. I reached my phone the moment I came home and called the person whose laughs shrugged off the weights of the world I felt in my heart. Can I ask you something?  "Are you going to get married?" she pre-empted on the other line and I can imagine her shining eyes. In the years to come, my subtle answer. I want to ask you something. "So you're getting married", she persisted. The line was cut off due to a poor signal. I phoned her again and asked, "Ma, how do you keep your being happy?" She was silent for the moment, and I'm holding back my tears for I knew I made her think that something is wrong with me. "I watch derby cocks". And I get a good laugh despite my crying spells. I told her that I'm serious and she said, "As long as you are happy, your sister is happy, everything is alright with me". That's it? "Yes, that's it. And come home".

I still have so much to learn when it comes to embracing the small graces in life. Even when things come to worst, the going gets tough, the tough gets going and the wind whirls up in an untimely manner, I cannot hate anything about life. For even in the darkest part of this world, in the most hurting situations and unwanted circumstances, God has always a way of showing us this side of heaven. My mom showed it to me.=)

..frog's bones taught me to pray..

It was a summer, and I was then a freshmen student. While others are enjoying the sun, I am on the other hand swimming...among the notes and handouts of my Zoology class (that branch of Biology that deals with animals). I am not a tea-lover, but eversince I started jotting down notes about embryology and classification of what-he-said-about-that-fungi thing, my Auntie was happy that tea bags in the kitchen were consumed before the expiry date. I reminded myself that the Theory of Evolution is important in tracing the human development but I object with Charles Darwin whenever I look at myself at the mirror while stretching my arms to get some break. Apes can't do that, right? I mean, appreciating one's worth?haha And so the days went by with going to the class and smelling the formaldehyde from the cadaver just beside your table with scattered bones displayed around just to remind me that indeed, I am enrolled in a nursing school. I'm just wondering why I need to catch some slimy frogs and bring them to school while taking care not to let one jump out from the bottle in every brake of the public utility vehicle I'm riding in and at the end of the day, careful to learn how to make a cut on its chest with a scalpel and watching its lungs inflate right at your very eyes. Poor kero keroppi.

The bell rang which signaled that we should form a line for the practical test. I fall in line at the very front, since my cute teacher said it will be a random call anyway. I'm counting with my fingers the number of hours I'll sleep in luxury after all the "swimming" without water when my name was called-first. So that was a random....act of torture. "Arrange the frog bones in 2 minutes according to its anatomy. The whole class will get 10 points each to the total score if you can perfect the structure", my cute teacher told me. Ah, so this is a subtle type of emotional manipulation. And it was one moment I realized that my teacher was not that really cute at all. I moved forward, gave him my paper while my hands are sweating. I can hear some cheer from my back and to tell you, I can faint anytime by then. My 2 minutes started, and my hands are confused whether I'm holding the frog's lower limbs or upper limbs. How can I be sure when I do not use frog bones as my stuff toy. So I arranged, and re-arranged. The last piece I'm holding will determine if it's a make or break. I put the last part before my time is up, and surrender everything to faith.

I went out of the class and sat at the swing near the large mango tree at the parking lot. I remember my classmates who are still inside the torture room, making the most of their very best to earn the hard-to-get grades. I feel less tensed as the swing paced in rhythm. I grabbed the rosary in my pocket, and said the prayer under the shade of the mango tree. I don't know if my best was enough, but the only thing I asked was that all of us will pass the terror age of Zoology class. Afterall, no one wants to catch frogs and bring them to school..all over again. I waited for my friends, and my smile won't fade away when I was told that we all got a plus 10 points each. 

Faith has wings. Oftentimes, it is sharpened by prayer. Mine, at one point, was impelled by frog's bones. It taught me to pray-harder.=)

Be a F.R.O.G.--> Fully Rely On God. 

..spell out a morning dream..

.."stay wherever you are at the moment, learn the lessons you need as much as you can, carry them in your heart..then you can go"..

I woke up confused from roughly 4 hours of sleep. My hands are aching probably because I've been in a constant position all throughout my dream-filled sleep. I looked at the clock and compared it to the time in my phone. The dim light from my bedside table affirmed that it is still dawn. I remained laidback for the moment, said my brief morning prayer and kissed the rosary I was holding since the night I went to bed. There are moments indeed that in an instant rush of seconds, everything feels in place, your heart is beating the right rhythm, and life is such a beautiful gift worth celebrating for. I went to the kitchen, my hair lay unfixed and pace in a manner  when I feel that my love tank's been delightfully refilled. I made a cup of hot choco , sat on the couch with legs elevated and savored the goodness of life. I recalled the dream I had earlier, though I cannot see exactly whom I have a good conversation with. Though my memory is a bit tainted sometimes, I can deliberately remember the words that conjured in that dream.

.."stay wherever you are at the moment".. 

People have this manufacturing business they are not aware of. They manufacture complains. They manufacture what is wrong in their lives. In return, they produce whining consumers. That's what happens when you overlook the present and overly worried of the future. Many years back, I decided to get out of my comfort zone. I don't know where life and my decisions would lead me since I'm already waiting for my dream US visa at that time. My mom can't understand why I need to leave all that and seek another road, an entry level again. Looking back while I'm savoring my cup of hot drink, I know that certain things need to take place, because those experiences are like dots. They need to be there so I can be able to connect with the trail. I met people, learned another language, understand how to read gestures, get closer to the real realm of life when it seemed to be falling apart. I get to love myself more, love the people I left behind and love the faith that I can't survive without. I feel God has never been this close to me when I was far away from my comfort zone. And miracles happened when I stayed where He planted me at the moment. I build stronger relationship with my family, appreciate the profession I fell inlove with and the daily experiences of being a friend, a nurse, a subordinate, a person He wanted me to be. I may not be enjoying the summer in Seattle, but my "now" feels a greener pasture. And the best is yet to come. Cheers to the present moment!

.."learn the lessons you need as much as you can"..

When our water heater malfunctioned, I was prompted to use the pail to obtain hot water from our kitchen's faucet. Everyday that I went on day shift duty, the scene would be like this. And it's the height of winter for how many weeks. Imagine the muscles I earned for doing such. Since I am using a pail and  a dipper in taking a bath, I need to get used of bending down every now and then. This took sometime, and I get accustomed to doing the routine that when winter subsided, I still wake up and would go to the kitchen and enjoy bathing with the pail and dipper. One day, while I'm doing my laundry, I was asked why I'm not gaining tummy waves despite of my appetite. I just smiled remembering my daily exercise of bending now and then when our heater was way too far of doing its job. 

In life, we will experience many "malfunctioned heater" if that would be a good analogy. We will be prompted to do things we were not used to do. We will be asked to learn new things that are not our cup of tea. If you are fixated of the misfortunes of the moment, you will only see the downsides of the situation. Stretch a muscle, defy routines and learn new skills. Improve your net worth by learning to adapt with those malfunctions. If life would be all good and sunny, we become mediocre. We will exist in complacency. If you are having troubles now, thank God for it. Embrace it if you can. He is allowing you to see some good shape and curves in life=)

.."carry them in your heart"..

I am an enthusiastic traveler and I enjoy long hours of trip. I remember my first plane ride. I arranged my baggage that night and my mom, being a stage-mother sometimes keeps on nagging me not to bring what is unnecessary . So I unpacked. Then packed again. Because I do not know what are those unnecessary. It seemed to me that what are in my baggage are all important. I arrived early in the airport. Then when weighing time comes, I turned my back to my mom as if saying, "I should have listened". So there I was, removing things in the middle of the crowd. And handsome guys are around, nyay.

What do you carry in your heart? Are they all necessary? It's hard to go on a long travel with excess baggage. You'll just be overly concerned of the weight and not the wondrous things that travel entails. Unpack your baggage, binned the ones that hinders you of becoming a loving person. And chose what you carry in your heart. 

.."then you can go"..

"To where Lord are you taking me? Teach me how to hear Your voice, that I may dream Your dream for me." This is my melancholic prayer while I am indecisive to sign a new contract. It's consuming me that I feel like I do not already know what I really what in my life. It seemed that my emotional agony has been heard when my supervisor talked to me. I listened intently of the pro's and con's. Then heard her finale words, "after this, then you can go". And sure thing, I felt at peace. I do not need to be alone to hear God's voice. Sometimes, the message is sent in different forms. I said earlier that our experiences in life are like dots. They are scattered everywhere in a clean sheet of wide paper board. We cannot understand the picture while the dots stand there alone, unattached. Recently, I was able to understand my another dot in life. When it feels like a trail is being solved, a picture is being formed. I don't want to pre-empt anything, but I believed in God's set times. I trust in them, just as I trust the many dots that are yet to be connected in His perfect time. By then, I can go with all these great things I carry in my heart. And share it to another set of souls. 

Life is good when you believe it is. Happy weekend!=)