..wake up call..

It's still dark outside when I woke up, literally dark in the sense that it's only midnight. And once again, I put the blame to my aging limbic system for a dysfunctional sleep-wake pattern. I grabbed a cup of milk straight from the fridge and settled at the empty couch in our receiving area. I envy the ones who are in dreamland this moment of dawn while I am leisurely in a pensive thought. The previous month just culminated to a good close and another one set out casually. At the start, September wakes me up.

The silence is cajoling for another article with the absence of cacophony and the right atmosphere. I came to think of the passing days, which is indeed faster to someone who is: consciously making oneself busy, forced to become busy, or all of the above. Whatever is your situation now, step on the break and loosen up. Like you have a time to check what a cacophony is, or reading a good book to increase your word bank, or refining old skills like cleaning out and tidying your closet, setting aside social gossips from news feed of which contents consist mainly of "feeling--". That's what democracy tends to snap away. And I'm guilty as charged.

It's dawn, and the moment is riveting to count the leaps and bounds of grace we received passively. There could be moments we felt our spirits are at the lowest ebb or situations that are seemed impassable. But the day closed to a night, and the night ends to another day. 

When I first learned to drive, I used to complain when I'm hitting roads of many bends. Because it's a lot easier to manipulate a car on a fine road. But it depletes you of a chance: a better driver (in my case, without a license..but this is between you and me).

Consider those awful days like you are driving to a road with humps, lots of it. And what do you do when the car is nearing a speed hump? You slow down, you grip tight. Because a smooth road will never make a good driver. Just as an easy life will never make a tough warrior. I don't know if it's a good analogy, but our moments of undulations are wake up calls to see things around, feel things around, and love things around.

I love when I'm awake at the middle of the night. Things are slowing down. Things are quite different.

Happy Sunday! =)

  

..from afar..

The hazy surrounding makes it difficult for me to see his face. But my  heart recognizes his vague motions. I was surprised how he'd knew my whereabouts since it's not kind like of me to tell him what I feel. I am comforted with the space he left many years back. I knew I went off to bed with all those additional weights of thoughts on my shoulders. And I'd like to keep it to myself as much as I can. You know, to prevent the spread of contagious negative vibes. Of course, an optimist does have that. I reckoned he figured out my mixed emotions, and in many occasions, when he is less felt, I'd like to think he trusted me enough. But sometimes, how I wished he doesn't. And this day is one of those. I rarely had time to have a private conversation with him, simply because we were used to that.  I don't want to give him the impression that I don't need him anymore, or that he was forgotten of any sort. Or that I can always stand on my own. Because when no one is looking, when the light dimmed and I needed to shut my little world to my own space, the man I rarely talked to held me from afar. It's as if he knows what I'm going through without me having to tell him, it's as if he knows my struggles even though I have aptly hid them. And I find it strange being a daughter. But not until I realized that I still have a father..watching me from afar, praying for me from afar, intervening for me from afar, trying to get through me from afar.

I shed much tears since I left home, but I haven't felt so comforted; that in all my bearings and burdens, in all those unspoken cry for help, when my buoyancy fails me at times, and the abating strength is at its verge of succumbing, from afar, he made me feel that I can be brave again. Because he taught me to be the day he left.

And again, I feel strange. I missed him so much...

..Chuckie and the pink bag..

I am standing on queue waiting for my trip back home. The weather is gloomy, and the drizzles just started. I can still feel the effect of the hangover from the previous night of "occasional drinking". I left my heart to that place that so far made the best of my vacation. There's a small grief while I'm clutching the pink bag that was given to me. I feel like upon returning from that trip, that something was left behind, and that the days are over to retrieve it. My attention was transfixed to those afternoons of watching waves flippantly chasing one after the other, the grandiose clear sky my hands are incapable to put on a canvass, the laxity of time that passed gracefully because you are at the moment detached from the world's uproar, the silent moments you count your blessings and thanking God for all the undeserved explosive gifts. I will always treasure those mornings of sweet waking, of getting up with messy hair just to watch the sunrise among the calm horizons, watching people walking on the sand because it is their joy, people walking going to work, and I honestly don't envy them, people walking to stay fit, people walking because they needed to. And me, there at the beach side, forgetting about what walking is and simply being taken away by serenity. Those priceless nights where you cannot gauge how wide the sea is but you believe anyway that it has no end, the lights you cannot appreciate by day time, but only when the darkness sets in. Those, I wouldn't exchange for the world...

The little boy's voice interrupted the ripples I am savoring. It's started to rain, and he was consuming the limited space of shade outside the gate from where I am standing. It's needless to say what he wants at the moment, for his hand was shaking while he lay it open wide for something. I grabbed the Chuckie drink I put on my pink bag and was about to give it when the woman on my side prevented me. Don't tolerate them, she casually told me. I waited for sometime and watched the little boy. I can feel a connection, probably because I feel gloomy within. "Hindi ko kaya", I told the lady beside me.  I handed him the chocolate drink, and he ran away. She just stared at me, and I looked at the direction to where the little boy ran. Jesus would do that.

Among the crowds that day, how many of them are having drizzles within? How many are on the battle of walking through tough past, inconceivable future, and a puzzled present? How many are rejected just because we are heading other's voice and not ours? How many Jesus would you turn your back to?

Thank God for Chuckie and the pink bag! 

..let the rain fall..

It was one afternoon of no turning back. I sat on one of the empty chairs being the early bird. The wide transparent glass gave a view of the mountain hiding behind the formed clouds. The scenery of grass-covered field is at its greenest while the sun joyfully hailed its rays in the sky. My flight has been delayed, and  it's tempting to fall asleep. But I'd given homage to the sight right before my eyes. The parched runway slowly turned gray as the sun seemed to be a little bit shy it slowly lose its splendid glow. The clouds became heavier covering almost half of the mountain's sight. It's obvious what transpired in the next few minutes. The heavy downpour started. I sipped the can of soda while my hand is shaky probably due to the room's temperature. I watched the grass standing still despite the blow, receiving all that the sky is pouring in. The once soul-soothing landscape is now all in the memory. 

I waited in patience, trying to figure out a "kick" from within while finishing my brownies. Slowly, the tip of the mountain appeared from where I am settled. It's like a curtain was removed before the great show. And there it was, the sun peeped in a lazy manner. The picture in my memory formed real again, bringing back the soothe in my soul. 

Like life, we cannot guarantee a safe ground for almost everything. One instance everything is sunny, another instance, our world becomes gloomy. Downpour can shake the landscape of security we have, and rain will fall somewhere, eradicating our ideal view of the world. It's easy to throw a thousand why's and wallow in defeats, but we can choose to be sober like the grass. If your life is being raged with all the problems in the world, remember that usually, the grass is at its greenest after the bouts of heavy downpour. Allow God to wash you, let the rain fall. 

..you'll never be your age again..

Photo Credit: Robz Tan 

I feel like I got a good massage after a warm bath, a moment for a while to shy away from all the days of toil. The water trampling on my feet creates a hush I savor for more few minutes. The tan lines on my shoulders are still very visible, and I love it. It has many stories to tell, but as private as I am, I would like to keep it as private as it should be. My mentor sent me an assignment but as of the moment, it still hangs open for me to even make a jumpstart. It made me think to outline my priorities in the next couple of years. Yes Sir Bo, I plea for extension =) 

I just turned 18 (ahem)  a couple of days ago, and I can feel a bizarre jolt whenever I'd think of the things that made my sanity on ground. Madness to life, I have lots to tell so I cannot be an object of your envy just in case...

-Games are not my cup of tea. I've never played Farmville, Plants vs. Zombies, and Candy Crush Saga. If cops would handcuff and throw to jail innocents of online games, I'll be the lone occupant, the President and Muse behind bars.

-I only learned to carry make-up when I was 27. As I mentioned before, my guy will never be pressured because I'm a low-cost maintenance girlfriend (soon). If you would raid my bag, I'm sorry to disappoint you that it contains old receipts..from ATM receipts down to credit card receipts dated don't-ask-anymore-ok. But be glad to know I dumped it all before turning 28=)

- I often forget to bring a towel to the bathroom. When my alarm would wake up almost all the people in our flat, it's automatic that my feet would drag me to the bathroom. And only after I have a good bath would I sometimes realize that people who go to take a shower should bring a towel with them. Or you'll end up tiptoeing with your old big shirt. Been there, done that.

- I cheated twice in my life. The first time was when I first made a love letter. I do not know how to make an introduction that I needed to copy lines from the Bible. The second, when I chase after a love I'll never have.

Years are turning fast. Chances come and go, some of them are one-way road. The sun will still shine 10 years from now, but you are not sure if you are still there on that sunrise .So wear that bikini while your waist line can be measured, while your skin can still lock moisture, while the lines in your face are the lines of laughter, and the structure of your body can support your jump shot, while you are still at your best shape, and you don't need an external memory to remind you how it is to be happy. Dream the wildest dreams your imagination can afford and live life as if it was the day you were born. Where everything is new, everything is something you look forward to discovering and learn, where there are no "if only", "I shoulda' and woulda' and coulda'". Don't be afraid to make mistakes and look stupid at times, for happiest people in the world are the ones who do not need to think what others will think. They live within their outlines, by simply being who they are. Lastly, don't be sorry for loving someone. It's the most contagious disease in the human history.

Live the life you always wanted. For you'll never be your age again.

..on flying by Business Class..

I stepped out from the plane with a heavy heart. My 42-day vacation is over and so far, the best laid-back days I could ask for since the day I started earning on my own. I arrived at Singapore Airport with drained enthusiasm but I needed to get going. I presented my connecting boarding pass to verify my gate number expecting that by midnight, I'll be on a trip back to Riyadh. And the big, unexpected humungous twist happened. I was informed that my flight would be 12 in the afternoon the following day..THE FOLLOWING DAY. So if my Mathematics skill is not yet rusted from all-out swimming, that would be more or less a 12-hour stopover, with my baggage already checked-in, my heart bruised from melancholy of missing my family back home, and with only books on my bag. I breathe as deep as I can, inhaling the priceless, tax-free air. I walked around like a backpack traveler, my mind wandering how to kill time.."Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.", my memory grasped this verse. I continued my steps and realized that I'm lucky being in an air conditioned place, lights are shimmering everywhere I don't need to carry candle to watch over my steps. I am determined. I will enjoy the present situation, I will make the most of this total shift of adventure. Afterall, I wanted to be a traveler.

I was advised to avail a $45 voucher ; my first blessing after the jolt of  excitement returned. Good thing that there are Filipinos everywhere I was guided with much relief. I was amazed of the thought that I could actually have a gastronomical indulgence for free. I sat on one of the most busy coffee shops in the area, sat like I'm really are a traveler, ordered for a Grande White Choco Mocha and  two pieces double chocolate muffin. Oh yeah, life's sweet with detours sometimes. I opened the book I cannot managed to read on my previous trip. As I sip my cup, it's as if Joel Osteen is preaching to me live..

"I can guarantee you that your difficult situation will never improve as long as you stay in a negative frame of mind. But if you'll develop an attitude of faith and expect events to change positively, then at the right time, that situation will turn around...Your attitude should be "God I know that You are at work in my life. Although the miracle I've been watching for didn't happen today, I know I'm one day closer to it! I'm one day closer to my answered prayer, and I'm not going to get upset. I'll not allow myself to get discouraged. I know that your timing is perfect, so I'm going to stay in an attitude of faith and keep trusting You to do what is best."

I was able to sleep in the middle of my inmost storm that night, in a place where the sun will still shine. Sometimes, our feet bring us to places and situations we expect less. It's easier to complain, to be discouraged and fall into mediocrity and complacency. I learned that God often uses those situations of inconveniences to show us a better way to get out of it, a clearer path to follow ahead, a redirection over what it seemed to be a rejection. That afternoon, when I was able to find my gate for boarding, a miracle I didn't expect was given to me. I was handed a Business Class boarding pass. It shook my world that it's like "a good day to die for" I needed to go back and clarified in the encounter if indeed, it was meant for me. I received a warm smile saying, "it's definitely for you Miss Tan". Should I complain? Of course not! I'm in no ground to question the gift!=) Just at least another digit in my age will be added, I was able to experienced the best roller coaster adventure at 27.

Life's funny that way. When you embrace what's in your present, you expect a best life now.

Happy Sunday!

..She embraced me once more..

Monastery of Mt. Carmel

My half-inch sandals paved noise as I walked into the familiar floors. The sun is high as I waited for the hour of Great Mercy. Its rays entered into the windows and struck a vibrant effect on the turquoise color of the high ceilings. I bowed down to show respect for Her. My hands are a little bit sweaty as my steps culminated into the pew where I always find my resting den. The flowers were arranged in specific lengths, and there are still used candles that were not yet changed anew. The piano is covered in brown clothe at the right far corner. You cannot underestimate the power of melodious songs it creates when the notes are hit right. I pulled the cushioned footrest, barely looking at Her while at the back of my mind, She knew I was coming. And before I was able to kneel, tears have been dropping my cheeks. I looked at Her tender eyes, and gentle sobs begin to fill my empty space. I don't know what to tell Her, nor where to start. I covered my face with my closed hands, pouring out a prayer I cannot say, letting Her know that I am here once again asking for Her strength, imitating Her composure in silence, surrendering the things I don't have the power to control, and the courage to brave the roads yet to unfold. I was not afraid to show Her how vulnerable I can get, because there's nothing I can hide from Her genuine face. The same face I struggle to hold on to when it feels like I'm a waning candle steadfastly illuminating the light needed by someone else. And the soft sobs turned into inconsolable ones..

I heard footsteps coming toward the altar as I buried my face to the wipes I held on my hands. The men carried a new piano placed before the altar. They looked waywardly at my direction, being the one left alone there and I didn't give much care. The man in his 40's started to hit soft keys, and it filled the place with hymn. At the farthest left corner, a responsorial psalm reads.."My Lord is kind and merciful".. 

I sat down on the pew, examined the whole place, trying to memorize its details so I will not forget. The hour of Great Mercy has passed. The inside of the church fell silence again. I am there, emptying the heavy loads I cannot tell to anyone. I know I was prompted to come to Her today, for She always been my liaison to Him.

She listened.

She held my hands.

She embraced me once more.