..The Cardiacinus Heart..

I'm on queue to pay my grocery bill. He was in front of the line waiting for his turn. Holding a bottle of water and a pack of sandwich, I was wondering if it will be his dinner for the day. Perhaps, he is saving for his son's birthday, or a ticket back home. He handed the items to the cashier and the amount appeared on the screen. He reached for his pocket and counted his bills. And recounted again. And again. I sense that it didn't reach the amount he needed, and the cashier started to be impatient.
I felt that my hand seemed to have brain of its own, taking some amount from my wallet and handed it to the cashier.
"Let him go."  He just stared at me and walked away.
Cardiacinus.


Early this morning when I made my rounds, I found out that the medicines in our stocks were not checked by the one I appointed the task with. Having an impression that she didn't seriously took the accountability at heart, I was disappointed. I felt my stress hormones overflowing my circulatory system at the start of my week that prompted me to ask from her an explanation letter. Sometimes, I hate the recent job I have for it teaches me the "tough love". Is it what she needed? Is it what I was called for? To render tough love? Or to love toughly?
I realized it when in she started to think of what she's supposed to write, eyebrows narrowing, as I keep passing by on her. "I need your letter before you go", and she just nodded. When I read it in secret, part of this hollow muscular organ about the size of a fist (yeah, I just defined the heart) seemed to ache in an instant. I kept the letter in my locker to remind me that people makes mistake, and  that I, too, is not perfect.
Cardiacinus.


Apart from being a nurse, my sister and I ventured in a small business that run roughly for 3 years now. I'm happy that despite the economic challenges, we are able to religiously pay our taxes (holler to the "giants" that are familiar with tax evasion!). Whenever I open my email and notices that the total amount of expenses exceeds with our net, I'm a little bit worried. Worried not because we will missed depositing to our account, or not able to have the return of investment. I'm worried because of the families that are dependent to the monthly salary our staffs receive. I'm worried that if we don't have enough, they might lost their jobs.  The hell should I care when I have a job other than our business. But the thing is, what about their kids? Their parents? And the people whose mouths are dependent on their minimum wage. I also have a parent. I also work to put decent meal to our table. If they work for us, we should work for them too. That's what "let's talk business" should be.
Cardiacinus.


There is one woman I know whose heart is anatomically soft, figuratively speaking. One day, a man came to her house to sell fire extinguisher. Since she is living in a humble abode, she refused to buy the item. Rather, she let the man and his companion rest in her house, prepared lunch for them and gave them money for transportation when they left. Her daughter was worried on how she easily trusts strangers. What she received back out of her cardiacinus heart? Honestly, nothing.


But her daughters, did! They are blessed being a Nurse and a Software Engineer. (Thanks Mom for your cardiacinus heart!)


Sometimes, I wonder if having a cardiacinus, or a "soft heart", is a blessing or a curse. But my mother proved to us that it is a blessing. That no one gets emptied by giving. No heart is broken to the one who doesn't count the costs and expect something in return. Sometimes, we may not directly receive the kindness that we give. But the universe has eyes that see what our soft heart can give.

And triple the pay =)


P.S. And I'm elated to be writing again! Happy Sunday!

.. Letting Go For Love..

In a world of so many parallels, what are you willing to give to make two opposite lines meet?

I have a dire appetite for wanderlust.  Be it home or abroad. I've come to terms that probably, I was something of a thing that constantly moves in my past life. I have high affinity to frivolous adventures, ruined places that stand in magnificence  despite the plethora of what time can actually do, and the roads less or [unlikely] traveled.  It's a thing that reconciles me to the world, me to my disparaging thoughts, and me to the kind of person willing  to ferment so the world can bring out the best in me: Alone or Not.

When I sit in the corner quaffing a cup of coffee, I must admit that part of my brain dies as  it lives somewhere else; where reality has a thin line with a dream. I always wish that the people I love would experience the same jolt, the same bouyancy when I close my eyes  and see myself in those somewhere. But only, if they have the same undeterred hunger for travel.

Having said so, I believe my sister has the same thirst to see the world.

I cancelled the budding thought of my second travel alone the moment she said she would want to cancel her Cambodian trip for a valid reason I cannot accept. I want her to experience the steeps and slippery paths. To appreciate heights even when the roads are flat. To trust her guts in a world of choices.

At any costs it will entail me.

I close my eyes for the love of a personal journey that did not come to pass, YET.

But overjoyed with my sister' smile as she was able to see what I've seen.

"Love entails sacrifice.

But it's worth it."

..When God Said No..

It was early this year when my sister and I planned our first family travel. We were exuberantly looking forward to make it happen that despite we haven't filed our visas yet, we already booked the flight as well as the hotel where we will be staying.

Call it expectant faith!

I envisioned the day we will be flying the same plane and enlist off my bucket list another goal this year: Travel with my family.

But that goal has taken several sacrifices for me and my sister. I booked my flight close to our scheduled travel since I will be applying for visa in Riyadh as the first plan that turned out to be twice as difficult to pass compare filing it in the Philippines so I have to make a letter to my superior to extend my vacation in addition to have my ticket rebooked. Issues of 6-digit show money surfaced since there will be the four of us who will travel. But not a single strand of obstacles dimmed my optimistic view. Our good-hearted business partner was benevolent enough to solve that issue. Thank you KC!

June came and I feel more enthusiast as I am. I thought we already survived the big rock towards the goal but it didn't end there.
I was tasked to give a lecture about the MERS-CoV in our hospital. I sensed an impending "NO" but I shook it off. I went home that day and received a call from my sister. Red alert travel advisory was given to South Korea, our target destination.

God must be saying NO.

I decided to cancel the trip.
I can't afford to risk the most important people in my life on top of a goal.
When God is saying No, He's not Objecting. He is just Redirecting.
When God is saying No, you have to be strong enough.
Because when God is saying No, tendency is, He'll provide you a greater Yes.


P.S.
Packing for that greater Yes =)

..I Can't Let Go of a P250-Worth Shoes..

Once upon a time, we were poor. My family can't afford to buy me a "just-do-it" shoes. One day, fairy godmother heard my wish. The sweat on his forehead are on the verge of falling while his gloved hands reached for the crumpled bills in his pocket; all in the denomination of P20 topped with a P10 coin. I was utterly jubilant to learn that I'll be having a new pair of white duty shoes.

Fast forward.

It was my rest day when I decided to wash my ivory-colored duty shoes. I noticed some scratch, two or more tear on scattered parts and believe me, the soles are so flat I knew it wouldn't much of help to add up to my height. This is the shoes I wore when I first get into the real realm world of hospital work, same shoes when I had a taste of my first salary, my first Code, my first Stat patient for OR, my first shift as the Charge Nurse, to the first day I headed my 19 staffs.

I tried buying new one, but it nested on shoe shelf in peace afterwards.

I walked and sprinted from end to end of the Unit for years, traveled certain parts of the world, saw the clandestine corners of life, wrote 195 articles to this blogsite, passed all my Foreign Exams, and with all humility, blessed enough to pamper myself with one or more pair of "just-do-it" and more shoes. But my feet can only trudge freely anywhere with the only pair that captured my resilience to traverse wherever paths life will lead me. 

The once white shoes now turned into off-white. And sometimes, I'm careful when I run because of the fear that it might give up anytime. 

Rolenkim is wearing a P250-worth of shoes?

I am.

 And everytime I'm wearing it, I can see the face of a man with sweat on his forehead, crumpled bills from his pocket, who believed that someday, today's nobody could be a somebody in the future.

Thank you, Tito Rafael!

P.S.

Seeing those shoes settled at the corner, I was reminded how far I went through life, and how far I'll still be traveling. 

Yeah, no one gets out of this life unscathed.

..What made me say Yes..

(c) Psychologytoday

The long wait was over.

It's been months of planning. Days of meetings. Changes that almost cracked the brain of both parties. Patience tested in most daunting ways.

I finally said Yes.

Not to wedding bells but to the Blue Print of our little kitchen.

It's a dream for me and my sister to finally have our little home renovated.

But that didn't come easy.

We went through a lot of pains. And when I say a lot, that almost costs more than our 6-figure budget.

I'm a type of a person who's cynical with almost everything. And winning my trust is like a jackpot prize in Lotto. So when I say I trust you, you're an instant millionaire (from a non-materialistic point of view). 

It started smooth from planning over a cup of coffee and simple dinner to a point of settling everything to the smallest details. Given my meticulous queries every now and then, my sister and our Architect are just waiting for my go signal.

But the inevitable happened. To cut the story short, it didn't went the way it was planned. Everything was put on hang. I can feel the friction every time Robz and I are conversing. Which is not a normal occurrence between us.

One day, while I was waiting for the bus, I sent a message to my sister. "Yes, proceed with the renovation".

That night before I said my yes, I remember how Robz left her office and all her pending works just to attend with the meeting(s) for the Blue Print. How she sacrificed her weekend serving the ministry for all the tasks I put on her shoulder. How she traveled from traffic jam so as not to missed the flight to Bacolod. How she remained composed with all my nags from end to end.

Is it worth to exchange my relationship with my sister over the dream we both planned together? And what about realizing the plan, yet, losing the person you build the dream with?

I can't afford. 

I set aside my own emotions. How angry and disappointed I was with our Engineer. I'm sure he'll have a torn tympanic membrane with my "soft" feed backs. But I chose to remember what Robz said to me. "Choose peace by loving".

I did.

And the feeling was liberating.

When I get home and would spend coffee in the kitchen, I will not remember the pains of how it was built. 

I'll remember the warmth it taught me.
And the reasons that made me say Yes.

Because LOVE is Learning to Overlook offenses and Valuing the person's importance Explicitly.

Ok, let's restore the tympanic membrane ;)

To err is human.

To forgive is divine.

..Leaning on Sharp Points..

The harsh waves come one after the other as we neared the shore of a nearby island in Calaguas. It was mid day and the sunblock I applied before we left the "safe harbor", I reckoned, is not serving its purpose since my arms resembled a lot like zebra, the obvious partition of white and dark areas. But since I was persuaded that the nearby island is different from the rest of the Island's parts, we braved the waves, like our boat is passing the humps of the road.

My mind, as morbid as it can get, is back on its habit of predicting the world of what if's. What if the waves will turn our boat upside down? All my gadgets will dissolve in the heart of Calaguas. Passport included. My body included. And mom will never be able to see her cute (positive prediction) grandchildren from me.

We arrived safely (I whispered all the saint's names, for heaven's sake) to the mystical place where coconut trees are lined up in a manner that exudes a welcoming embrace, giving a sense of security that all is well. The contrast of pristine sand and gray stones are breathtaking I admit I'm incapable of putting it on my canvas. I noticed that the stones there are more finer, rounded, and smooth while the stones from where we left are more sharper, more edgy, and rougher you have to be extra careful not to cut your sole.

I sat for a moment on one of the fine stones, oblivious to the waves that incessantly slamming the stones. I rubbed my eyes so as not to missed any single chance of being enchanted by the moment. And as the sun kept flaunting its radiance, it made clear to me why the stone I'm sitting on is smoother.
Because the waves there are unforgiving. Harsher. Fiercer. 

In life, every "harsh wave" comes with a purpose. We will never understand the vernacular of Trust unless we came to a point of being lied to: willingly, consciously, and artistically crafted by people you have high hopes to do it the very least. It's harsh. It's fierce. It's like being taken away to the sea, only to be slammed back to the shore.
Imagine how it hurts. Imagine how it cut through.

But imagine, too, if it doesn't hurt. And it doesn't cut through.
Will you be smoother? Or rounder? Or finer?

God knows we'll be hurt. He knows we'll cry tears-buckets of it. He knows we'll be scorched to bits. And it's not a surprise to Him.
Because the finest stones went through the most harsh waves.
Because the people who have "most" in life has undergone "the most" in life too.

Is life so unfair? Lean on the part that hurts the most. Lean on the point that is the sharpest. Lean on the waves that are the harshest.

He makes a finer man out of rough edges.

"The stone of which the builders rejected has become a cornerstone".-Psalm118:22

Goodnight.

..The "Lazaru's Phenomenon"..

Photo taken at Baylon Temple, Cambodia

.."and Jesus wept"..

Everyone was startled when she was admitted to our Unit. Serving the hospital for how many years, it was a surprise when she became the patient. Intubated directly due to decrease level of consciousness, I can still remember her voice when I got an almost close argument with her. 

Pronounced to be unresponsive to any stimuli, it broke everybody's heart.

I remember her when I attended the symposium on Deceased Organ Donation. Talking about brain dead, it's difficult to believe though I am working in medical field, apart from all the discussions of the body's every bone, muscles and nerves, that the person is considered dead if: 1) there's no spontaneous breathing and 2) there's no brain activity. 

Stirring my cup of Espresso, I want to blurt out' "but how about the heart? How could one die if it's still beating?". I could hear my own heartbeat. Probably because of the strong caffeine content of my drink. Or the opposition of my mind to the idea of brain over heart. But the speaker is unstoppable clearing issues of a well-research presentation. "Human being is dead when the brain is dead. Reflexes are present due to lateral circulation."

Reflexes.

I remember their story about her when it was decided that she will be an organ donor. 

No brain activity. Heart beat's due to medicines. Breathing through the ventilator.

Tears escaped from her eyes. 

The eyes that never reacts to light. 

Or to pain.

Her leg moved.

But science says it was just a Reflex.

She died with her heart still beating.

Could it be possible?

Yes.

Happiness dies when one forgets to let go of the baggage of the past, the fear of the future, and the anxiety of the present.

Simplicity dies when we allow material things to define the worth of our living.

Service dies when money takes high precedence over fulfillment.

Hope dies when prayer becomes the last option and not the first.

Relationship dies when someone started to look after her self-interest and not of the other.

Love dies when one forgets why she loves.

Life, then, is slowly drifting away from a beating heart.
That's when we face our tomb.

When anguish creeps and our pain is overwhelming, God, too, is weeping. 

But noticed that Jesus did not stop from there. He did not kneel and roll on the ground and cry all day. He did not saved the tears and put it in the glass and cry again until He fills it.

He was quick to pray to the Father.

He was quick to believe that even in the most impossible, smelly, and darkest tomb, there will come out Lazaru.

Whatever kind of "tomb" you are going through, He is calling you just like how He called Lazaru to life.

"Lazaru, come out".