..Why You Should Travel (Solo or Not)..

It has been said many times and in many ways that traveling is a life-changing experience.

I was 28 when I decided to do my first travel. And I mean it Solo. Having been a workaholic chick, I was compelled to move out of my protective cocoon when I realized I am squandering my time to too much work. I have no mouths to feed, no mortgage to pay, no boyfie holding me back to go where my feet lead me.

My mom once asked, “What are you doing with your life?” That’s one question I keep on pondering to this day. With the help of travel.

To young people like us (if it’s not too much for an adjective), here’s why you should start sorting priorities in life. And make travelling one on your lists.

Travelling freed me.

I am in bondage with my comfort zone. I always stay on the safe side. And I don’t think there’s wrong with that. I see the world as beautiful. But I also believe with all its eminent threats. For years, I embrace this thought. Who would dare “go and seek the Great perhaps?” and losing your (V-card)? Or see the marvels and edges of the world and go back home bones?

One night, I went home from duty all drained; physically and emotionally. I wasn’t my best. I feel like I’m trapped in a circle that has the ability to stretch. If only I want to. And if only I try. I booked my ticket back home. And booked another one.

From the beach life I spent for days in Calaguas, I headed the communist country of Cambodia.

Solo. 

Fearful yet overwhelmed by the fact that I’m doing the thing I’ve been delaying for years.

Time and Age. There’s no turning back.

I was like a girl freed from the embrace of my mother’s arms. Capable to saunter the plains and rocky sides of life. I was happier. I feel more alive. More useful. Seeing things I haven’t seen on my safe circle, it’s priceless.

The world is a haven.

Fear freed me. I just knew it when I was afraid no more.

Travelling made me see the grey side of life. Aside from black and white.

You’ll meet people that will teach you to appreciate the things you can’t see when you are in your comfort zone.

Mama Mia was my hostess when I was in Georgia. She made my daily breakfast, making sure I have enough butter and jam on my plate. She kept walking here and there, as if there’s something more she had to add up on my more-than-enough-for-breakfast table. I asked her to join me while I’m sipping my cup of coffee.  When you are immersing on a different culture, anything said by someone new to you is like finding a hardbound book. Every word is captivating you wouldn’t want it end. When asked what would be her advice if I happened to be her daughter, the answer struck me.

“Love like you will never love again.”

How would you know if it’s love? My early morning chant.

“You can’t go through a day without thinking about that person.”

“What if you can?” I put down the cup on the saucer, my fingers interlocking on the table, my eyes transfixed on the blue-gray eyes that were longing for love that was lost.

There was a long pause. And a sigh.

I knew right then, there are questions that you have to find out for yourself.

Clichés are clichés. But yes, travelling invoked a sense of belongingness to different human beings. With the same wants in life.

We all want love.

Now that’s not just black and white.

Travelling humbled me.

Not in my pocket but in portfolio of experiences.

When there are unwanted things that are happening to us, we hear people say “let’s charge it to experience, anyway”. When I haven’t traveled yet, it connotes a negative impression that past experiences are collections of unfortunate events. They have to be buried.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Past experiences (mistakes included) sometimes are repeated, I noticed.

I get lost most of the time when it comes to finding directions. That’s my Achilles’ heel, my nemesis I can’t perfect even though I travel often. I do self-introspection whenever I reached my hotel, remembering what went wrong when I have all the needed maps in my hands. This is the thing: it doesn’t matter how many times you went sideways. As long as you know where you are going, no matter how many times you get lost and back, there will always be someone pointing you to your destination. Because this world is filled with people who lost track same as you. Who were already there where you wanted to go. Travelling will humble you to ask for help, to ask for directions, to seek for advice, even if that comes from a stranger. And there, in humility, you will know that there’s so much to be filled yet in the many spaces of your heart when it comes to knowing the unknown.

When given a chance to choose among whom I should sit to have coffee with, I’ll content myself to someone who has many stories to tell than someone who has a fat pocket( excuse the abs) but nothing to share about.

Travelling restored my faith in humanity.

It was almost midnight when my sister and I arrived in Fukuoka. We were struggling not only in cold weather but with the language barrier. We knocked at a pub, trying our best to explain how to find our guest house. The owner went out of her store, and the next steps blew our minds. She didn’t point out where we are going. She led us there!

It can’t be helped that when you travel, you will encounter countless moments of conflicting decision-making. Should I listen to this person? Should I accept the offer of help? What if I am being misled? Or he just wants my money? Travelling has taught me the perils lurking around. But sometimes, it’s the dangerous situations that reveal how far I have trusted the Lord to let me “walk on the Red Sea” unharmed. It’s when I pray the hardest. And heaven feels the closest.

Instinct.  It’s the innermost voice that tells you when the thing is right. Or not.

It’s the same voice that tells me why God created people with different eyes, and skin color, and language, and smell, and ideas, and perspectives. If He created us all the same, then why would I travel to see what’s different?

He scattered strangers along my way to show me that in the vast field of doubts, goodness is an innate gift to every mankind.

I have a dire appetite for wanderlust. Be it home or abroad. I’ve come to terms that probably, I was something of a thing that constantly moves in my past life. I have high affinity to frivolous adventures, ruined places that stand in magnificence despite the plethora of what time can actually do, and the roads less or (unlikely) traveled. It’s a thing that reconciles me to the world, me to my disparaging thoughts, and me to the kind of person willing to ferment so the world can bring out the best in me: Alone or Not.

I know it takes a leap of courage to travel. Not only it entails being strong with your decisions, but being open to all the uncertainties of life in an open road. Therefore, single ladies, there is no best time to experience travelling (solo or not) but this point in your life when you don’t have to pack things for three or four. Remember, time is both a friend and a traitor. Seize the days that it is still a friend to you.

It might not be this easy again. 

..From "But Why?' to "That's Why": An Anniversary Comeback

I'm a girl trapped in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia with coffee on the left hand while working on this article with my right hand.

I missed this hideout.

I rarely been deeply moved lately until I came to my senses that my Third Place, my blog site, will be turning 6 years! Can you imagine the tons of grammar and subject-verb agreement errors all those posted articles contain all through these years?

I'd rather care for the lives I will touch than the minds I would have to impress. This is my aphorism at the birth of Optimistic Chameleon. That is why it comes with tag lines-and life's great lessons.

..life's great lessons...

I used to work in Surgical Ward.

For years, I've been handling cases of patients that shaped my life in most unexpected ways.
I've been pushing stretchers.
Collecting patients from Operating Room.
Did charting for files I can hardly enumerate.
Missed bus ride for a matter of minutes and went home late.
Another shift would wait when I can hardly call my family for days.
But I was happy.
I'm doing my One Thing in life.
Serving.

Then came my promotion to be an ICCU Nurse.
I've been pushing Hemodialysis machine.
And beds included.
Did my charting on an in-depth perspective.
Seen life fading away.
Life an inch from Death.

I was trained in ways I never thought I would endure.

My Head Nurse (Hi Ate Claire!,haha) understand this.
But me? It took a while before each piece of struggle made sense.

I used to complain why I have to be the Charge Nurse in 2 days' row while she can choose another senior to do the job. I complained because I have to go down for Narcotics while I have patient upstairs that is standby for intubation. Walking with those thick prescriptions on hand, I would complain I haven't eaten my lunch and the clock seemed to be at its speed limit I was pushed to learn to managed to shrink all the tasks I have to do in a shift.

"But why?"

I was in the Narcotic Room spinning the miniature globe while waiting for replacement of our used Narcotic ampules, thick prescriptions on the table waiting for the Director's signature when all these ripples of the past came back unguarded. 

Little did I know that those pieces of puzzle I considered to be "harsh" were exactly the pieces I needed for the plans He has in mind for me, now being the Head Nurse of one of the busiest units of the hospital.

 I was on a training ground all those times.

"That's why."

For 6 years into blogging, my articles were founded not on the times my life was in full bloom. Mostly, I shared experiences out of my deepest wounds and exponential struggles. This is the very thing people in pain needs to understand, but usually failed to. 

Who would accept sickness as a blessing? Who, with a sound mind, would tolerate losing? Who would glory from rejection and frustration? None of us would. 

The looming days are here once again. I feel a surge of uncertainty creeping into my every inch I'd rather choose to keep the remaining strength to hope for better days. Sometimes, life's perplexities are so overwhelming we are tempted to yield to our "but why?". I don't know what awaits for me out there when I have to give up a comfort zone in the coming days, or months. All I know is that this not-so-bright side I'm into, someday, this very piece I'm weeping for, will complete my life's bigger picture. 

Thank you, as always, for all of you who would continuously visit this site despite of my temporary dormancy. I am lost for words out of gratefulness. Life, perhaps, has its own way of letting us discover our "why's". I'm blessed that despite of my inadequacies, the Lord has blessed me with reasons to keep on seeing life full of "that's why!".

Keep on looking!

Good night.

..What a 3-Decade Sojourn Taught Me..

The nearby mosque started to chant in night's oblivion. I hardly understood a word, but I know it's all praises to the god they worship to. As to what extent of that chant can do to their faith, I have no doubt it's only for the better. I have seen tremendous acts of leap of faith, and I'm in no position to question any. I believe in the unseen goodness, no matter what race or religion it originated.

At this age, life has somehow taught me to read between the lines, to heed the signs, to be attentive to the Hands that wave "go here", "not here" or "to somewhere else". I must admit that the mushrooming changes every now and then in technology has replaced the what-has-been trend of human connection. That explains, in a way, why our hunger for love will never be satiated. Because we've been fishing in an empty pond.

Sleep, as it has been a luxury nowadays for my not-so-normal life anymore compelled me to sit on my bed and give my phalanges a good exercise. This, for the longest time since I started blogging, the year I rarely made compositions. Change has it's own price. Blessings has its own burden. Life is not absolute. And so you cannot embrace a blessing without embracing the burden.

A month from now, a year will be added to my age. I frequently ask friends older than me "how does it feel to be in your mid 30's?" And often, the answers make me cringe.

So here are the curiosities and the serendipitous lessons from a girl who will be turning 31. (But this is just between you and me=) )

1. Our parents are the most worthy people who deserve our Forever.

I grew up in a fatherless home dominated by strong women in the family. This is where I account my being independent and strong-willed character. My mother is an epitome of grace under pressure. And seeing her only once a year made me guilty of the many deprived moments we could have at least share. She had her birthday last May. She aged under my nose but I rarely noticed it until she was diagnosed to be Diabetic. Ladies and Gents, we can have a lifetime searching for our God's best, and even a decade or more to chase our dreams. But time, as traitor as it always was, can rob away the chance to give back to our parents the love and honor only due to them. Don't miss the chance to savor your Forever. Everyone in this lifetime is just   b o r r o w e d.

2. Passion should not replace your Wants.

Writing has been the safest outlet of my being. It's the same as moving a bowel in a day. If I cannot write, well you know what happens in a day without bathroom privilege(s). When I was promoted to be a Head Nurse of ICU, I must say that it bruised me so much when it comes to balancing my passion and my "want" that the position asked of me. I thought I can handle it with ease since it flows in my veins the grace under pressure trait of my mother. But as what they say, you cannot have it all. On the hindsight, I want to look at it this way: where I am now is where exactly God wants me to be because this will fulfill the Passion He planted into my heart. I know that rough times will rock my buoyancy, and there will be voices of doubts booing me to just let it slip away. But hey, God will not take me to where His grace will not sustain me.

If you are in doubt to what road to choose, I'd say, follow your Passion. Happiness in doing what you really love will never be compensated by the amount of money your Want will bring.

3. Madness, have lots of it.

I used to be that "stiff" self-righteous lady who would raise eyebrow to a single act of mischievousness. You can't blame me being raised by a conservative and perfectionist grandmother. To tell you, I wasn't that happy with my old self. I always have "bashers" from people who do not barely understand where I am coming from. (hugot nga eh)

Until I realized, which of course did not happen overnight, that I need to loosen up and savor life. 

I started to travel, discovered waterfalls and hills, came home sober from a night of inebriation, chased dangerous love affairs, and started to laugh at my own madness. 

For most of my existence, and most of my writings, they were all inspired from my madness. 

My madness for life. My madness to discover life. My madness to live that life.

If you're going to ask me which road I'm happier, I'll point all my fingers to where I'd stop being sober and started being mad.

4. Travel in less traveled places.

This is the vanity I cannot simply turn my back to even if I have Arthritis in the future. I have spend my 3 years working hard as a regular staff. When the moment came for me to have my first vacation Abroad, what I uttered was simply ridiculous: "Why I did it just NOW?" 

So young people (like us), travel with abandon. Don't soak yourself with work that will bring you a fat pocket but a malnourished experience. Travel with abandon. To where most people won't go. You'll realized that the world is indeed round, and it's not gravity that let's you down. It's your fear to get lost. It's your fear of the uncertainties. It's your fear of being alone. But dear, life is all but uncertainty. And that God is all powerful to provide you a compass in different forms. Always through strangers who will be the face of Trust, the face of God. 

Take this from me. Your What If's will be more painful than your Regret.

Travel. And never stop.

5. You will feel alone at one point. But it's okay.

Especially if you are on your way to something far, and better. There will always be someone who will pull the edge of your skirt, who will make you feel you're less better than you deserve. But go on. You don't need people in your journey whom you will show the way, but will abandon you in the middle of the travel. Open the door for them and let them out of your train. You need sunshine in your journey, not the dark clouds to hover you and give you rain. This will make you feel alone at one point. But being a traveler who did some travel alone, the strongest person, you'll realized, resides within you. Because no one can choose your destiny except you. Take all the time, and this is a holler to all single ladies, to merit your being alone. Unknowingly, if you are being happy with yourself, someone from somewhere will notice that. And he will be so ashamed to take that happiness in you he will be force to just add it up ;) Men thinks it is their obligation to make women happy. That's why most are choosing the already happy women. Why? Of course, their job will be less. Just kiddin'.

6. Focus on what you do best.

Aside from writing and travel, I love to paint and read books. I also love to discover new coffee shops (eaves-dropping included). And eat. And eat. Well, it's not so obvious I love eating. 

We are gifted with lots of talents. But among these gifts, what bring you closer to God? You cannot be a one-size-fit-all. There must be something that will give you euphoria. That will make your heart swell. That will make your eyes wet. That will make you feel large butterflies growing in your stomach whenever you do that thing. Out of all my faves, I love serving my patients. I feel my life is compose to details of seeing life fading away, and life coming back again. It is through my experiences being a nurse that I shared articles of love and miracles. I focused at the heart of what I think is my ONE THING, and my other passion revolves in it. I travel because I've seen how short life is. If I weren't a nurse, I probably missed the joy of what writing has brought me.

Our life is intertwined. If you know what and where you will focus on, that's what and where leads you to your best.

7. Love is a many splendor thing.

Young love. Difficult love. Lumabo-love, whatever you call it. There's no amount of success or valuable things that can commensurate to the jolt of the human heart whenever we love and be loved in return. However, in my journey towards experiencing it for the last 3 decades of my life, one thing saved me from the pitfalls of love and lie: Do not expect the love you give to be proportionally reciprocated. Instead, just love until you realize you reached your maximum capacity to love. Heartaches are real bullsh*t it'll incapacitate you to even get out of the bed. But hey, as the song goes "it's the lover not love" (ahemm), the sun indeed will shine again. 

There are miracles that Science cannot explain. In this modern era, call me nuts but I am a cavewoman believing in the power of what love can heal.

8. Take things slow.

I remember when I was in grade school when I used to open my mother's closet and would surreptitiously check her clothes, make-up and accessories. I can't wait to grow up and do the ladies' things. There's always something that we are in a hurry of doing. In a hurry to accomplish something. In a hurry to reach somewhere. In a hurry to discover anything.  I n  a  h u r r y.  Perhaps, that's where the evolution of the word multitasking came from. But what are we really in a hurry of?

Fall in love with smell. Fall inlove with sunshine. Chew your food slowly. Talk to each other. Stare to each other. Use the stairs, not the elevator. Learn to digest each moment. Time will not wait, but don't submit yourself to its bait. No rich man I've known who ever bought TIME again. 

Learn the art of taking things slow.

9. Learn to say No.

To your fears. To your doubts. To the voice that derails your buoyancy. To the crowd that takes away your peace. To the world that offers a multitude of desires. To friends that does not support the better you. To the job that keeps you sideways of your God-given gift. 

Honor your other YES by standing by with respect to your No.

You'll see that seeking approval from others is the surest way to dissatisfaction and frustration. Pleasing other people is not mandatory. Pleasing the One above is. And you owe it to yourself if you want peace.

10. Pick up where you left.

I saw this striking line when I was revising the Unit's Policies and Procedures. The computer's instruction was "pick up where you left".

Sure that at one point, we've reached dead ends. We hit rock bottom. We were down to our last drop of hope. We lied. We were lied to. We turned our back. Someone's back turned to us. We hurt. We've been hurt. We forgive. We've been forgiven. We failed and failed someone else. We loved and lost. Nothing is absolute in this life. One has a share to other people's lives. And our life is not dependent on the circumstances we are into. It's dependent on our choices.

 We are a moving molecule. We are not suspended in the air. We constantly evolve through our daily battles. The secret to keep on moving, is to keep moving on.

Happy to be back to the thing that feeds my soul.

Cheers to the last few days of my 3rd decade. =)

..Pain is Good..

And he left her.

After 8 years of investing her life to the man she reserved to freely say her "I do".

Much worst, he impregnated her cousin.

I can imagine the emotional turmoil of betrayal, broken promises, unexplained anguish of losing the man she imagined herself to love and hold, in sickness and in health, till death do they part.

Maria was stricken that nothing last forever...


Meeting Pain
I used to work in Surgical Ward before I became an ICU nurse. Dealing with conscious post-operative patients was indeed a good training ground. I learned to see and smell and touch what pain is and how it turns an angelic face to a monstrous homo-sapient. I learned to distinguished pain that was a product of a break in the skin, and that of a lash in the heart. I remember one patient who submitted herself for admission. The call bell in her room doesn't stop that it becomes the soundtrack of the Unit. I was thinking all along that her pain medication has no avail. When I went in to ask for what she needed, she wanted me to adjust the pillow. She wanted me to turn off the lights. She wanted me to change the channel of the television. She wanted me to close the door of the bathroom. She wanted me to open the bottle of water for her.

I realized that she is indeed in pain.

But she doesn't need my pain medication.

She needed my presence in the form of frequent calls.

To talk to her.

To tell her what time of the day it is.

She's was abandoned in her old age.

She is the face of pain in the modern world.

It was when I can honestly say that I am a superstar staff in implementing the Pain Assessment Tool.



Experiencing Pain
I have my most intimate story of what pain did to me. I was only 9 when my father was murdered. The most ideal time when a child views the world ideally. That tragic turning point left a deep cut in my heart. But as what a good friend told me, "there's always something good that will come out in our misery". It is in our most painful experiences that we draw the same vigor to help others who are in the same boat. It is in the darkest hour that we learn to be susceptible to the present light. It is usually in our deepest cuts we come to realize the power of faith, that healing comes with the rhythm of time and space. And in that point when you feel it doesn't ache anymore, you know that nothing, nothing can shun you away.




To the man who left Maria, I would like to thank you for hurting her.

Because you showed her that life doesn't end where she thinks it did.

Thank you for shattering her world.

Because she found that there's a bigger world apart from you.

Thank you for breaking her spirit. Because she found beauty in each of her broken piece.

Thank you for giving her the chance to get lost.

Because she found the way to be whole.

Thank you for her pains.

Because it led her to find the man I called my father.



Pain has its ugly face. Pain has its adverse effects.
But I tell you, pain is good.

It made me better.
It will make you better.

Decide to choose pain to make you better.

Maria did.


Thanks, Mom for being brave.

The People Of My 2015

"A Good Day to Say Thank You." This is the title of the last article I've contributed to the hospital's Thanksgiving celebration for our re-accreditation program. It is indeed possible for a man to go somewhere without looking back, but happier is the man who never forget where he had been.

I would pause once in a while upon scribbling this down. The city lights are distracting in radiance, glowing in different hues, adeptly assuming its tenure in the dark night. Do they sense that I am out here amusingly gazing at its glow? And who cares? Not everything around us deserves an explanation. Not everything but my gratitude.

I can't, for heaven's sake, start any article without looking back and writing it down to those people who inspired me to propel forward, to dream more, to expand the grasp of my horizon, to be a blessing, and turning my mess into a MESSage.

                                                               

 Dr. Safaa Al Essa

In the field of Medicine, you rarely find doctors who are vocal enough to incorporate Emotional Intelligence in their practice. It was my last remaining days before my vacation when I received a weird phone call from his office asking me to be a speaker. I thought it was just an honest mistake thinking that the previous speakers were all doctors. But because  you cannot be rude to the person you have high regards to, and though I felt that there was a gun pointing on my head to say yes, I was able to say yes that paved way to the creation of Is It Worth It article, my personal favorite (favoritism aside) as an underground blogger.

Sometimes, it takes someone to believe in you to realize what you've got.

Thank you Dr. for that little push, for always inspiring me of your humble journey and your stories of compassion. Your wisdom uplifts my spirit and encourages me to serve not just with the brain, but moreover, with a heart.

Ms. Dominga Pecdasen

And when you see the "5441" flashing right before your eyes, it's either you inhale deeply or bite your lower lip as you listen to the voice on the other line saying, "H e l l o,  K i m b e r l y...."
There's a profound veracity that diamonds are formed from tremendous heat before they shine its brilliance. My ATM (at the moment) kind-of-life can attests to that. And the struggle is real =)
To be great, we should create a space to say yes to teachings. To be great, there should be humility to accept that you need the tremendous heat to wake you up from mediocrity. I'm neither half of what she had been through, but for sure, she too was polished long and hard enough before she shines her brilliance.
Thank you for pushing us to bring out the "diamond" in us. Sure it's not easy, it will not be easy, and never will be. But as what they've said, all experts were once beginners. And we are lucky being trained by an expert who never stops learning to be one.

                                                                 

 Kim's Angels

I had a foretaste of what it is to lead a team early of January last year. 20 people, with different level of coping, with different personalities. It was a challenge for me, and still is everyday (but this is just between you and me) on how can I inspire them and motivate them to serve not by looking at our patients like a mere individual but seeing through their pains behind the incessant and inpatient calls. 

They say that you can manage assets fairly well. But people? Hell yeah!

My instinct, of which I trust most of the time, tells me that there must be something of this that I will one day thank heavens for. Sure it's not always a smooth day. I know I have so much more to learn when it comes to leading. I just hope that despite of all my inadequacies, God will give me more strength to develop more future leaders.

Thank you girls for roughing through the hard days and for being my extended family away from home.

(No excuse though for proper waste segregation. *eyebrows' up)

                                                                    Jessie Jayme

My respect for Sir Jayme since high school has never waned. Lots of things have changed. I traveled far and back. Discovered cities and the covetousness of men, yet, when I'm home, it seems like I always have a place where memories are as good anew.

Thank you Sir for reminding me how a giver's life should be. I am more rejuvenated to earn more so I, too, can give more. More wheelchairs to come!

And as what I've told you, when you find it difficult to walk anymore, I'll be glad to push the wheelchair for you.

  

                                                                            Robz Tan

How should I start honoring the person who complain less and gives more? Should I have one kidney left, you know I'll not think twice to sign a Do Not Resuscitate so you can have mine.

Thank you for being the wind beneath my wings. I will always be grateful to have you, my best friend, my all-wrap-up-into-one travel buddy. If you remain single by choice, I promise to make more nieces and nephews for you,LOL

I love you until sunset days.

Fr. Norbert Alvin Cañada

No one can deliver my Eulogy better than the one who is both a keeper of my worst and my best. For what I've been through and will be going through, where I'd been and where I am going, I always find true comfort to the giver of Time. Thank you for the whisper of prayers that have held me tight in my most trying times. Wherever life would take us, and no matter how fast your white hair sprouts, I'm keeping my share to treat you to Bench Fix Hair. ;)
I'm always grateful for the gift of repartee.

Maria Arlene Gelveson Tan

                                                                                 
I envy how she managed to have the composure and grace carrying the cross God had given her. I can only weep on this part knowing that at some point, I had been one of those who scratched her heart. Thank you Mama for always understanding your first born's indifference. I will be forever in debt to the example you set before me and my sister. One day, when I have a family of my own, your grandchildren will surely know where their mom took her good looks (ahem).

P.S.
Son-in-law to follow...

                                                                               

 To Kim

..whom I owe more love (and travel) this year.

 I may not tell you often, but you know I love you. #Love Yourself



To the best year yet!

Is It Worth It?

When I was in Grade school and still cute, I met my first love. I wanted to become a doctor. As days do changed man, so did my dream.

I then wanted to become an Accountant when I graduated from High School. I took qualifying exams in almost all schools offering Accountancy. But I ended up enrolling in the School of Nursing. 

My first exposure to ICU, I did my first ambubagging, my grandmother as my patient. 

Life was hard then that she keeps on being admitted to the hospital. During that time, the family is losing money from the vicious cycle of admission-discharge. Seeing the person who raised you undergoing a chronic  battle, you can't just sit in one corner waiting what will happen next. 

It was that time that I decided to pursue going out to a place that never crossed in one of my vivid dreams.

My mother objected my decision of leaving because that time, I already completed my exams for my US application. Ample bucks were spent just for me to acquire those hard-earned licenses. 

But I am rebellious in nature.

It was on winter of 2009 when I first set foot in Riyadh despite of my mother's objection of me leaving. But the eagerness to help the family prevailed. 

I received a weird phone call on my second month being far away from home. Two months after I left, we lost my grandmother to complications of Diabetes. Our Medical Director would always mention how to break bad news to the patient and relatives. How I wished there is also a way on how to break bad news to nurses.

That was my worst heartbreak being a nurse.

To be there with my patients while I can't be there to the person I dearly love.

Is it worth it? 

It was the first time I uttered this question.

How many parents are reading this article?

How many of you missed the milestones of your kids?

How many of you have seen how your bedridden patients were able to walk again and yet, you were not there to witness the first step of your children?

How many of us left home with complete family members and returned back home without one of them?

Perhaps, at one point in your profession, you've asked the same question...

Is it worth it?

I didn't come home for the next 3 years since I left. I don't want to give my mother an impression that I made the wrong decision, that I should have stayed instead, I should have listened instead. 

When you reached a certain level of pain in life, that pain could either  make you or it can  break you.

I was transferred to ICCU after my 3 years exposure in Surgical Ward, became the charge  nurse in 6 month's time until to this point of revealing secrets. And yes, tears.

Doing the ICU routines made me feel that God gave me a chance to do the things I wished I was able to do for her. Touching my patients' hands is like running my hand to the hands I never got the chance to hold. And seeing my patients' eyes is like watching the eyes I never be able to see again. 

And it feels like she's just so near.

In one of Paulo Coelho's books entitled "By The River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept", he mentioned that  it's very rare that you end up with your first love.

I've written this article which was later published in our hospital's Newsletter. 

I came to conclude that first love DOES die.

Because a greater form of love evolved.

I found it in doing morning care, in feeding my patients, in whispering good morning to them even if they are not responding. 

Those are the moments I thanked God I did not become a doctor.

Our life is like a dot in the face of the world. Nothing is so significant. Our patients will forget our name. They'll not remember who we are. But the thing is, we know who they are. 

Because It is in giving ourselves that we become significant.

Reciprocated or not.

In my recent vacation, 3 days before my flight, my mother was diagnosed to have a Type II Diabetes Mellitus. In ICU, we are checking our patients every 2-6 hours. But I can't do such for my mother who is living all by herself while her daughter, ironically, is the ICU In-Charge.

Last month, that turning point of my life turned 6 years.

Sometimes, when the sun beats down in one of the many windows of ICU, out of longing that somehow, how I wished that I can copy-paste myself so that I can do the same service I rendered to my patients and at the same time, to the people I loved most,  I would still ask the same question: 

Is it worth it?

But with God's unrelenting and stubborn grace, I would still get the same answer.

"You can't be successful in life without these two essential things: 

Giftedness and Godliness.

Giftedness is our ability to turn thoughts into things. 

Godliness is using that Giftedness to  S E R V E ".-Bo Sanchez

..Knock knock, Who's There..

I knocked at the entrance of her room's second door. With eyes rolling jubilantly sideways, I know she is hearing me. Knocking is my morning habit upon making rounds whenever she is awake. The first time I handled her, she was so thin and debilitated is a gross understatement. How many times we did compression to her heart to keep her alive, I could not count. Indeed, our time is controlled by only One hand. And that was not her time yet. Seeing her gained weight, and those cheeks that bloated to rosy ones made the air of despair shrink at the moment. With her body tiny enough to be cared by even one person, posture that limits her movement to only the rolling of eyeballs, limbs that bent to a curve that seemed to find solace, may God forgive me to question why good people has to suffer.

Introspectively, while the quest for the answer of human suffering left me in melancholic mood,  looking at her long lashes mildly soaked with tears from incessant laughing in the absence of voice and salivating mouth, it puzzled me what happiness looks like through her eyes being contained within the four corners of the room, being a prisoner by the machine to keep her breathing, and the moments wherein knocking is just another sound for "good morning, how are you, and goodbye".

As the sun beats down the arid air outside the window where I can see the reflection of my own image, having said this morning that I don't want to be a nurse anymore (thoughts like that occurs randomly), I was ashamed to the image staring back at me.

Everyone is having his battle.

We just differ in battlefield.

 Hers is inside the four-walled hospital bed.

Yours might be a failing health, a struggling relationship, a difficult boss, a challenging job, name it.

The thing is, no one is justifiably exempted.

Mine might be lighter than yours. Or yours, a little heavier than the others.

But does God let the sun shine to those who are only capable of carrying whatever loads He has given?

I stared back to her, saliva never stops drooling from the corner of her mouth.
Fluid is dripping to her convoluted, tiny hand.
Feeding is continuously attached to an abdominal hole in her deformed stomach.
I knock at her door once again and there the mouth that opened wide in joy.
There the eyes that glow in joy.

Life is still beautiful.