..just keep on pushing..

It was one day of energy and enthusiasm when I finally made the last charting, medication and bedside care for my two patients. The last three years, this has been the content of my everyday activities, and I thank God that He created me to be an advocate for the sick. I signed the last pages of my nurses' notes, surveyed the place I'll detach myself for the meantime, and the people that made significant imprints in my career. I never been so in love with my profession, not until death beds taught me to love life deeply with compassion. 

I hurried towards the elevator, smiling at the image I saw in the mirror. Just as I'm about to push the close button, someone is in a hurry to have a ride too. He's in his 20's riding in a wheelchair. He smiled brightly, and it was the most genuine smile I've seen for that day after a load of tasks in my shift. I was waiting in anticipation that someone is pushing his wheelchair, but he's as quick as saying that he managed to ride that chair by himself and manipulated it with a breeze. His speech is a bit distorted while he relates to me that his mother is admitted. I close the elevator and commended his efforts, as if we've known each other somewhere before. I offered to give him a push, and he was so thankful, but it was effortless because he was well-equipped in moving the wheelchair aided by his feet. I cannot even see a faint of  bitterness in his face. He is a handicapped. And he keeps on moving forward, he just keeps on pushing. "You are the most beautiful thing I ever saw today", I told him. And I bid him goodbye. He smiled, and went away in that throne that was his world. 

I always feel lucky having been able to see what others cannot see, and experienced what others could only read in a book. In a rush hour where elevators are just mediums to bring people to where they want to be, I felt that it became a stage where God showed a little piece of heaven. As I continue to walk in life, I will remember my own inner "handicaps", too. It's something that will not stop me to miss the bounty and yet to unfold beauty of life, but something to ring a bell to keep my feet on the ground, and my heart to heaven's above. 

He has access to your heart, just keep on pushing!=)

..that different kind of love..

"When you have your own kids someday, make them feel that you love them equally. No favorites played." I was preparing the due medicines for her mother when he approached me and said these words. I can sense some pain coming  from someone who must be a victim of favoritism. I don't know their family background and so the best thing  I did was just to listen. "She loved him dearly eversince he was a boy and now that she's sick and dying and is empty-pocket, he never gave glance at her". I took a while to stare at her on the bed, her right hand tapping her side as if she is putting a baby to sleep. At 84, it's been her habit to do like that since the day she came to our unit.  She has loving eyes that seemed to be waiting for a familiar face that didn't show up for years. I don't know if my mom feels that way too when her first born hasn't been home for years...

It's still dawn, and I can't force my eyes back to a good snuggle with my pillows. I woke up from a bad dream, a terrible one, and I don't want to remember a bit of details from it. The dim light from our room cannot pacify the fear that comes from the thought of that dream. I'm 27, and I confess that  I haven't outgrown yet being a crying baby when nightmares creep in. It takes a tearful prayer before I became sober. And when the fear subdued, I hold on for the remaining days when a woman would held my legs on her lap and examined the details, veins included,  and would conclude that I have small feet for my age. She doesn't often say she loves me, but her touch is more than all the words combined for a louder "Iloveyou". I know she has a strong faith in me that I can be more responsible with myself the day she freed me from her comfort zone, that I can handle my nightmares now that nobody will be there to wake up and say, "it's only a dream". When I asked her one time what she wanted me to give her, aside from grandchildren,  all that she had said was "just come home". For years, I've been looking for a guide to nourish my faith but it's only when I was away from home did I realized that I was given one the day I was born. A resemblance of selfless love when she opted not to get married again after being widowed at 32, of self-denial when she dropped off everything for herself to cater our needs, to live in grace trusting that God has ears for those who cling to Him. She's always been generous, to the point that she now lives alone in our house because she gave us the chance to live our dreams, learn from our mistakes and understand that we live only once and that we are not getting any younger. She's at peace even when storms are battering her strength. It's always a mystery to me how she'd done all those things. I guess, I'll be able to understand it all when I would be in her place. One day.

I may have been in a romantic relationships, but I will always search in my heart that different kind of love. And I'll get a taste of it in the days to come. 

I'll be home.

..when life requires a PUK code..

I cannot use my phone today. I woke up in the middle of a good sleep and realized that I wasn't able to set my alarm. I grabbed my phone  only to find that it required me to enter the security code. With one-eye-forced-to-open, I confidently entered the 4-digit combination but was denied 3 times until it finally required me the PUK code. Uh-oh, not when I have forgotten where in all my clutters did I place that small piece of paper I find its worth just today, not when all the numbers are stored in that tiny hard square with a bigger memory, not when I cannot memorize even my own number. The thing is, what happened has already happened. And so I went back to sleep, hugging the pillows occupying the bigger space of my bed. I cannot set aside the hundred things that are going right just because of one glitch of a day. Gratefulness taught me to look things that way.

You see, there are many instances when we feel that we can beat the odds and that we are invincible. I often have that feeling too, especially when my prayers are answered and I get to get the things I wanted. Humbling experience comes when we come to face circumstances when life is asking us a PUK code to genuine happiness, to worthy success, to die for relationship,  to unrelenting inner peace, to love unbound. If you trim it down to the last piece, we often find in our sullen days that the only code we needed is the one that never rusts through seasons, never fade in each passing day, never depreciates whatever worth we find in ourselves, and never asking but accepting.

Are there things in life you are eager to unlock? Use the most important code-- > G.O.D

P.S.

It can never be misspelled. =)

..die a little , bloom again..

The parched alley to where I was trudging determines the temperature of the day. Cars were randomly parked it didn't seem they were on a parking lot. I was hoping to see some other shades of happiness, but none was there. All the flowers in the garden already withered, and no remnant can clearly show to me a hint of possibility that somehow, somewhere in that place, hope sprang once upon an arid summer. Dismayed for a glimpse of hope, I opted to sat where I can still see the greater picture of the vicinity. I indulged to the moment when privacy befriended solace, and solitude brings forth a remarkable opportunity to glance back to how it is when you hit a point when it feels that things are starting to die out, and soon "withered" on its time. Seasons are made for a change, indeed.

In between those times of solitude, I tend to retract to my own cocoon. For staying in that place is a safe haven, that being quiet is more comforting than having anything to say, and learning to listen to that inner voice teaches me to stay guarded along the process of recuperating, regenerating, rebuilding. In that way, I am more convinced that when the time is right to get out of that shell, I am more ready to love again, prepared to be a comfort for others without losing something of myself  but gaining more of  what I might lost, and finally, to be able to listen intently when it's time for others to have their own share of being "withered".

For the moment, I can't see that shade and I am thankful. Because I have all the time to merit the things I am capable to do when I'm ready to bloom. I always believe that apart from the changes that are happening outside my world, God is transforming me beautifully, magnificently and miraculously within. I just need to die a little before I can bloom again.