..the wind as my messenger..

Sundays, as I have redundantly blogged is one of my favorite days of the week. I guess I already developed a "Sunday blues" eversince I moved out from home.I see to it that my phone is already loaded by Saturday because Sunday is for my family, my "untouchables"..

 I phoned my Tita Neng  first because Mom was not answering, and as usual, I'm hearing her "habilins" like of not sleeping with my hair wet, not taking shower when I arrived from work, to drink milk before sleeping and never to skip meals..I was again bombarded with her "iloveyouloveyouloveyou Inday" and oftentimes it's harder for me to terminate a conversation with her.

 Everytime I went home from work, the first thing I would do is to give a glance on my bedside table. Aside from piles of books on its top is the picture of my Mom and my sister Robz. Last Sunday when I was still on duty and the ward is still and calm, I phoned her. She told me how much she misses me. Since my sister and I are away, she's living all alone in our house. It's a big irony because when we were kids, she was the one who's away from us..and now that my sister and I are grown-ups, we were the ones who are away from her. Should I'll calculate the years we were living together, I think I spent more years living with our dog Keso than with my Mom. She was  bragging that she had landscaped the garden of our new house by herself and that she is planning to put pebbles on the footwalk..and that she saw my pictures and concluded that she is still prettier than us...hahaha  I've forgotten in a while my worries about her living by  herself and her laxity about her health. I remember the times when I had my nightmares and I would transfer in her bed with my sister and the three of us would enjoy the space-limited bed and she will just utter "you should pray before sleeping". We would then wake up with food already in the table and our uniforms well-pressed. As she would always say, it was her frustration of taking good care of us because she had done these things at times that we are already capable of doing it for ourselves. I understand her fully now that I am in her shoe, not as being a mom yet, but as a daughter failing to take good care of her mother. 

My finger was hesitant to terminate the call  as I  said my bitter-sweet goodbye and just imagining my Mom's voice saying "I love you Kim"..

As I waited for the bus going home that night, I felt the warm wind blowing..

 "Thanks for the hug Mom, your Kim will be home soon"..

..the times I forgot that I am a nurse..

Being in a field where you actually see the wonders of life and its downfalls is a blessing and a curse. Been out from blogging these past days because of a chosen choice but I guess it had paid off. The census in our ward is just manageable that we are still able to laughed despite the various  individualized needs of our patients. Unfortunately, these past days, we also have many Filipino patients and some of them are on terminal cases. I can only sigh while I'm doing this blog. One of them I've recently known who happened to be a bonafide Ilonggo is Kuya Nem (not his real name for the sake of patient's confidentiality). I learned that Kuya Nem is an Engineer who previously worked at Jeddah. He was confined at our Unit for treatment of Urinary tract infection. I was the one who received the endorsement since he was admitted from the ER. What crushed my heart is the fact that he was only a month here in Riyadh and he was supposedly to have his flight back home the day after he was admitted. The sad thing is that his condition would not allow him a safe travel back home. Yesterday, his condition worsened that an urgent insertion of a tube was done to help him pass urine. I was there all along until his Doctor decided that he should be urgently transferred to Intensive Care Unit. My heart was beating hard as I am seeing the tears in his eyes which he tried to hide. To add to his situation is that he was alone here. I also learned that his daughter is about to march this March as a Fine Arts student, a good news for a dad who is suffering in silence away from his family. I tried to hold my own tears because I wanted to be the source of his strength in this trying moment. I wanted to put my arms around him as I see him not a patient but as a father..If only I'm allowed to stay at ICU to take care of him personally I will gladly volunteer. This is just one of the happenings in our ward that I considered priceless. Sometimes, it's not all about money why we do something we wanted to do. It's all about appreciating the times you are seeing the facts of life..being a shoulder for the weak and learning that you can be strong in times you consider yourself frail..These are the times I forgotten that I am a nurse but as my patient's daughter, sister, cousin, a friend, or even just a stranger who comes with a cap. My prayer for Kuya Nem that he will be able to surpass this peril and that he will be able to comeback home alive..as what I've told him "just be strong Kuya, will be praying for you"..

*sniff2x

..the joy in nothingness..

When you live a life wherein you walk a mile in a minute, sitting still and doing nothing becomes a pure joy. Time stretches and you care less. I tossed and turned in my comfy bed, hugging the blue pillow which was not washed ever since the day it was hugged by my sister before my departure. Time is ticking without me noticing it. Time, I say, is relative. Staying on bed in pajamas and not thinking of the medicines I'm about to prepare, or the Doctors I'll make rounds with, or the pages of  nurses' notes I had to make chronologically  is a some short of amazing. I cared less of my watch: the seconds that turned into minutes then into hours without thinking and caring for anything sounds heaven for me.  My time for today is simply unmanageable. I'm just enjoying the idle times I'm dating myself, treating it with less restrictions and rules..I mean I will not impose any rules for today..  I will eat when my tummy complains, I will sleep when my eyelids become heavy. The lulls turned into soft hums as I am watching the curtains being taken off and actually seeing the landscape of mylife . I fixed my hair and wore my headband, still on pajamas, and gave my phalanges some sort of exercise on a time I cared less. I cannot let this day end without me sharing the joy in doing nothing..

How many of you can brag the last time you have done something like this? 

..just like peanut butter..

The temperature outside from where I am sitting this early dawn is about 17 degree centigrade, inviting enough for a good sleep. But I won't do such..I am on my little fave corner holding a container and licking the  kiddie spoon-filled with delectable peanut butter chunks (MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE!!) I always love peanut butter, the homemade one, most especially the surfaced oil when it already settled down..I can eat the whole thing until I can feel my jaw paining. I'm just really a low-cost maintenance girlfriend, but of course my guy could not feed me peanut butter his whole life. I don't think he would  want to turn his 25-inch waistline giifrlfriend to an indefinite waisted line wife,hahaha. 

Seriously, while enjoying my secret sin of munching over a container of peanut butter this early dawn, I find it  marvelous of the simplicity of how it was made: from the raw peanuts drained under the sun's heat to the grinding and cooking till it becomes the chewy, so yummy peanut butter I'm holding now. I still believed that great things in life are the simple and the basics. As much as I love peanut butter, I love the simplicity of my life. The idle times I'm just on a jean-shirt thing roaming around like a hot chick on flats,haha.I don't wear high-heeled shoes not unless I'm provoked to go on a party on classy dresses with cleavage out..I can get even sometimes=) Or on ponytail days with  my ready-to-go shorts and just spending afternoons on coffee shops sitting on a remote corner  on comfy couch..and once in a while declining a guy with lines like " I noticed you're alone". They are guys who cannot read a discreet gesture of " I want to be alone". They are like commercially made peanut butter who walks on a good package but once you tasted it, all you can say is "it's like the one I've tasted before, nothing's special"..

I surmised life is still a matter of choice. I could have chosen to doze off and dream of my prince who turned out to be a frog in my real world. But I have chosen to stay awake and provoked my endorphins (happy hormones). Sometimes, life offers us many "commercially-prepared-peanut-butter"  but it's up to us to make a selection. As for me, "homemade-peanut-butter" things, or those I'm referring to as simple and basics are still, and will always be on top of my list..

What's on your top list?

..floating destiny..

"She loved him much that she had to let go..and he loved her much he did not hold on"..

There is an old legend. There is a story behind two people's separation. And the story begins with a baby.. 

Once upon a time in the space with an unspecified time, a baby without a name lives. With the size of a bottle of cola and transparent skin, he sucks his thumb for comfort..

He knows the legend..because the legend will be his story..

"I know you..you have been glancing at me everytime you look at the sky. You don't know me but I already known you, because I have chosen you. I am that  brightest star you were watching at when your heart was broken. I am that star you have seen when you said your "starlight, starbright"..I am that star who have seen you wept. It's been quite a while since you glanced at me and I thought you were much ok..So why you had given me that sad glance again? I told you the legend, didn't I? You are my chosen one. But he was already chosen by another one.We, babies, chose our parents..lovers fall inlove and eventually fell apart because it was written in the legend. I had chosen you both..unfortunately, you loved him much you let  him go..and he loved you much he did not hold on"..

I looked up the sky and found my brightest star. He knew what I feel, because he is my legend.

Did you received my winked Souffiane? Please choose your daddy the soonest..so you will not be a legend anymore..I will be sending you more glances,.

I cannot  promise though of  happy eyes everytime I'll search for you in the sky..

..because i knew the legend..

..and babies don't lie...

..love in the form of snow..

This past days was an ordeal for all of  us here in the East. Being sandwiched with the apparent wars happening in the neighboring countries is truly an emotional turmoil. We started stocking food stuffs because of the news of  possible uprisings today, March 11, 2011. My Aunt called me days ago telling me how worried she was because I was not answering her phonecalls. Early this morning, I opened my phone and learned that my good friend Marc who's also been working here had phoned me 14 times trying to know my whereabouts.

 The silence is alarming and from time to time, my phone would ring from concerned citizens. I kept my silence though, doing the usual chores on my rest day. I had finished my rosary earlier although I admitted that I can feel the tension, worried of my colleagues who's still working in a peril situation in the name of service.

When I went out from the hospital yesterday, I saw the crescent moon in a husky sky. The air smelled dessert's sand.  I guessed I have learned reading nature's emotion..summer's about to come..I closed my eyes and said a prayer for whatever tomorrow will entail..I prayed for a sandstorm to dispatch the possible rally..maybe then, the universe will conspire for the sake of peace.

But God is a unique Father. He did not sent whirling storm of sands to hurt our eyes but balls of little snows to enjoy. He is still thinking that we might not see the beauty of nature with closed eyes. He is still thinking of our happiness amidst fears and doubts..He heard my prayers..not in the form of raging sands..

He sent His love in the form of snow..

..why I wanted to be rich..

I am receiving regular Email from Bo Sanchez, the author of bestselling books and the founder of Kerygma Family. I definitely admired this man for having a big heart for God and God's people. My sister is serving many of its sub organizations:

The Kids Ministry

weekly gathering of kids in PICC where they learn to dance, sing and have some fun in arts..as my sister would say, "this is a party of God's Love"

The Anawim

The Anawim center is the place for abandoned elderly. Here, they are receiving prompt care from the servants. My friend Grazel recently held her birthday with the Lolo's and Lola's..she said that "it was the best birthday ever in my whole life!"

 He Cares Foundation

The Ministry serves the street kids by weekly feeding program and shelter as well for homeless boys and girls..

 It is my silent devotion rendering help for these said organizations in whatever way I could be of help. I admired those people who, like St. Joseph,--the silent worker, exerting effort to share their  resources in any form. Money is not bad..it does not define who you are..as what Bro. Bo said, money is just a magnifying glass..it enlarges what you already have..It is not the money..It's who you become because of money..

They are the reasons why I wanted to have more..
These lonely places are my inspiration to keep pulling against the gravity life is imposing on me..

P.S. There are other organizations under Kerygma Family: Grace To Be Born which is a shelter for pregnant mothers who were some are victim of abused and Pag-asa Scholarship for those deserving students who can't afford of a good education.

I'm so inclined to be richer!!!

..I don't have one....but three..

I just woke up from a good 12-hour hibernation! Everything just felt so good..blame it on my comfy, enticing bed..I was busy, as usual, with my job I was not able to made a reply from the messages of my closest friends. To compensate, this blog's for them. *note: this is not undoing, haha


Gerlyn Espanola

G.L and I met back in highschool life. She transferred however during our Junior year to other school near her place. She's an aloof person and it was a surprised to me how we became close me being a "not-so-aloof"..haha We jived in principles especially when it comes to family matters. Sad to say that after she made the moved to changed school, we hardly meet regularly. But thanks to social networks we were able to communicate and update with the changes in our lives. She's still single. Message me if you're interested,haha

Ge, we may not have the abundance of time spending with each other but I think we outgrew this kind of situation. It endured the distance and you and me are still there for each other. I'll see you in time and we'll have the hearty conversation I really missed a lot.

Eldefonso Verdeflor

This chickboy and "not-so-hunk" but only "maka-lilingaw" (nakaka-giliw) is my another confidante. It's good to have someone of the opposite sex you can consult with especially when it comes to "boys said- girls said" things.. The friendship also bloomed in highschool life.  I can say that it underwent much turmoil-->(sorry I cannot specify  because some details are just between the two of us:) ) I met almost her girlfriends, except for those "undergrounds",haha He even brought one in our home! The long phone conversations of what-I-should-do and mostly ended with me reprimanding him of his silly chickboy ways..We are like this most of the time. And I know that when I nagged, he listened despite his rebellious nature. The most perfect storm of our friendship I guess was the time, well, I cannot really divulged the details=) Let's just say friendship won. 

Fonzy, though you are still hard-headed, I missed the times our phone rang and hearing you on the other line with the same twist of fate and matters we have already discussed redundantly. Our friendship stood the test of time despite all the dot dot dot..So many things have changed but I guess,  you're still enjoying all my naggings everytime. I'll see you in time. Hopefully, with the person where your heart can find rest.

Christel Rojo

My friendship with Christel is unrelenting. It started the day we were still memorizing our ABC and All Things Bright and Beautiful. We were still on our Elementary years and believed me, we fought countless World War II battles...haha I have seen all the ups and downs of a teenage bitch with all the heartaches in between. But I guess the highlights of our friendship was when we came to face our own individual lives. She conquered her own battles; I conquered mine but still intertwined for a good taste of  friendship. She knew my gruesome longings and well, my messed relationships. 

Beshy, my life would never be like this without your so much patience and love. Our friendship had journeyed various roads of life. I'm so happy that despite all the bumps, we are here for each other. You are my other      sister..and thank you that I am your only sister. It would be my happiness to see you happy..you have spent much over heart matters. It is my utmost wish that you will eventually find the man who will love you for who you are. Love you beshy!! I'll see you next year..we'll paint the town red in bikinis..haha

..found my third place..

" It's the special place in between where we meet to awaken our senses, to find inspiration and to make lasting connections".. This is the teaser lines I found on my planner which was given to me by my sister which I turned into a "Gratitude Journal". It provoked me to think of my other significant spaces. Aside from my home sweet home which is the heaven on Earth for me, I have my other places close to my heart.

..of a good U-turn..

After graduating from my incredible high school life, my first choice of course was Accountancy. Firstly because of my grandmother's influential, enticing,  striking words.."Someday when you have your own family, you will be able to spend more time with them because Accountants goes to work after the sun had fully risen and went home before it sets.." Secondly because  I was inspired by my mentor Ma. Cleah Ramos. Her subject was one of my favorites. Aside from memorizing the Table of Elements in Chemistry and the contradicting statements of Physics and Geometry in which the former says that the opposites attract while like signs repel and the latter on the other hand claims that parallel lines will never meet, Basics in Accountancy  was one of the mind-boggling, challenging subject I greatly enjoyed. The Debit-Credit, Assets and Liabilities' thing make my adrenaline  rushed just to determine the Net. I already took entrance exam in almost all schools offering Accountancy but I ended up enrolling in School of Nursing. There, I learned to love the 206 bones and 620 muscles of the human body..how to dissect a live frog without puncturing its lungs..and the concept that in scientific sense, it's the brain that loves and not the heart..

I recently had a young vegetative patient. As I was giving my best shot in taking care of him, I saw a figure of a weeping mom. Since touching in any form is prohibited here in the East even with the same sex, I offered her  pieces of tissue. I just do hope that the tissues  conveyed my utmost sympathy to her. As I reflected all the days' events, I was sure that God has the best reasons in mind why I ended up being a Nurse and not an Accountant. I may have handled the assets of  unknown people should I had pursued Accountancy but I realized that I am handling the best asset God has given us-LIFE. I am thankful for the everyday chance I dirtied my hands to debit my patients' worth without expecting a credit in return. At the end of the day, happiness and self-fulfillment are my Net pay!

Sometimes, it's damn good to have U-turns..:)